Can i please have your thoughts!!!!

[angel143]

Ok, so, I have my thoughts on this already...but I am posting this because I would like to have all of your input. Thank you so much.

I have come to realize that the only good candidate for a sponsor is a guy. I just dont know if its such a good idea. He is knowledgeable and according to all the people there...he has had great success as a sponsor. Maybe I am being to picky. But I want someone that I think can understand me, someone that I feel I can trust with my life and someone that I feel really wants to help because they really want to help. I get the feeling from some that they do it because 'AA says we are suppose to do it" not the outlook im lookin for. Anyways. This guy seems like he could be helpful. But, he has made it clear that he looks at me as something other than a sponsee. He said that he wants to get me through the steps, learn everything about me...and then once im through the steps...DATE me! Then proceeded to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am. I just think that would be asking for trouble. He has taken it upon himself the last couple weeks to show up at all the meetings I go to. I didnt think anything of it...just coincidence. Until someone said...why are you coming to these meetings? You never come to these. You always go to the ones in the morning! He confessed to me that ever since he saw me at my 1st meeting, he had been using the meetings as a way to keep seeing me.

He wouldnt back off. I didnt know what to tell him. He just kept talking. I told him that, sponsor or not, I wouldnt be going out with him. He then, of course, asked why. GEEZ....so...I tried to explain why. I thought I did a great job of getting my reason across...politely. Well, that just gave him incentive to 'try harder'. Ugh. Seriously? Whats with this guy? I am no where near as great as he makes me sound!

I know that its a bad idea. I really do. But here is one question. If I KNOW what I will, or in this case, WONT do. Should it matter what his intentions are?

And since I will have 30 days on Friday. I want to really work this program. I have done a lot on my own. But I want someone to look at what im doing and tell me if im doing it right or not.

There are things I am looking forward to...but those things are on hold till I can, truly and thoroughly get through the steps. And, that is a smart idea, even though im not a big fan of the idea! I want to be the best me I can be.

What do I do?

Love you all
Heather

[GeoffS]

Hi heather,

You've answered your own question there I think.

If he has made motives like that clear, then he cannot possibly be a good sponsor for you. I don't know the guy of course, but it does sound to me like he may have a few issues himself and be in need of a bit of good sponsorship himself...

Maybe consider asking a lady there to help you by being a temporary sponsor and see how it goes...

[angel143]

I have tried that...with the ones I that I feel I would trust.

Either they are to busy, or just plainly not interested.

I am going to a women's meeting tonight, maybe there will be some different ladies.

Maybe I need to not be so picky?

Maybe I should just let my HP lead the way...he will tell me what to do!

[GeoffS]

you said

""Maybe I need to not be so picky?

Maybe I should just let my HP lead the way...he will tell me what to do!""

I love that sound, the first sounds of an alcoholic starting to get well...

[DiggerinVA]

I am going to a women's meeting tonight, maybe there will be some different ladies.

Maybe I need to not be so picky?

Maybe I should just let my HP lead the way...he will tell me what to do!

The womens meeting would be a good place to start. But your Higher Power will be your best advocate. Mine worked very well for me. Such a good choise God made. I let my self will go. God has guided me this far and it is a lot easier than my way.


I wish you the best.

Stan

[Susan68]

I have tried that...with the ones I that I feel I would trust.

Either they are to busy, or just plainly not interested.

I am going to a women's meeting tonight, maybe there will be some different ladies.

Maybe I need to not be so picky?

Maybe I should just let my HP lead the way...he will tell me what to do!

This nice gentleman told me a week ago, "stop waiting for the Dali Lama." I thought that was pretty good advice.

Hey Heather, tell this jackaZZ (Tim's rubbing off on me) to take his 13th steppin' self back to his regular meeting.

Seriously, I just read your other post where you talk about feeling really bad about yourself and concerned about how family and friends (old and new) will respond to you going forward and then this guy starts making you feel real good about yourself at such a vulnerable moment.

I have no time for such b.s. from these guys. You have to better protect yourself. You can't even consider having this guy sponsor you. Buh bye. Seriously. Tell him if he were working his own 12 steps and had the kind of sobriety you see these guys talking about he would not even be trying to steal one here. And that has nothing to do with your worthiness.

[Dallas]

In your quest to find a sponsor have you looked at it from different angles?

You probably don’t need a list of things that are “similar to you and your way of thinking.â€

[Dallas]

BTW: On this topic...

I know we don't like rules... so we don't have any... but, I have one rule for myself. (It's okay if I have rules for me... instead of rules for "we").

For sponsorship

Rule #1. I must not be attracted to them physically. And, there must be no chance of emotional involvement. This goes for Sponsoring or being sponsored.

If there is any physical or emotional attraction -- on either side -- that is the first disqualifier.

I know what it's like to be a newcomer and be sponsored and I know what it's like to be the sponsor.

Don't get pissed at me for saying this... It's not a hootie hoot Ego thing... Newcomers are in a fog for the first year. They don't even know what they are like or are subject to do or not do.... Period. (Take a look at the 2nd element of Step One... in regards to unmanageable).

If you don't believe that... write down what you think you know now, and what you think you're like now, and what you think about now... and stay sober for one year... then read what you wrote... and ask yourself... if you weren't in a fog when you wrote it!

When you've been sober for a year, and you've been busy doing the work, you are going to make two important discoveries.

1. I'm not the person that I thought I was.

2. My values have changed... and what I thought I wanted for myself, is not what I really want for myself today.

Now, I did not say "stay out of relationships for a year, or don't make major decisions for a year, yada yada yada yada."

I only said that you'll make two important discoveries for yourself and I listed them above.

I will go on to say, that for me, in regards to #1 and #2... they are still changing... after being sober for 22 years.

The key to growth and progress is "change." When we are no longer changing... we will cease to grow and make progress.

Dallas

[Susan68]

Dallas, Dallas, you're rendering me speechless, and that is just not an easy thing to do.

Thanks for sharing all of your knoweldge.

[garden variety]

Hi Heather,

I had a little bit to say about a similar experience over here:
http://www.step12.com/forums/viewtopic. ... c&start=15

But first let me say that the lady and me were "involved" before she asked me to sponsor her. The other thing was that she asked me - I didn't appraoach a newcomer and ask her if she needed a sponsor, then get involved in a relationship. Well, might as well mention the last thing. Sponsoring her didn't work for either of us. She fired me as a sponsor, which was probably best. The relationship worked out fine once sponsorship was out of the picture.

I know a few men that sponsor women, and women that are sponsored by men. Those that worked are still together. One comes to mind where the male sponsor is about 70-years-old, and the female protege' is in her late 20's. There is no attraction from one to the other. The guy is a widower, and the girl is married with children. Both have decent sobriety and are very active in sponsoring same sex protege's.

What you described with this fella sounds like sponsorship isn't the only motivation. It seems like there is attraction perhaps on both your parts. What can happen from this can become complicated, which can be less than helpful for a new woman (or man if the roles were reversed). Also, like Dallas said, the first year of sobriety can be one of major change where the person is completely different than they were when they started.

What I suggest to anyone I sponsor is to first develop the 2 most important relationships before attempting a romantic/intimate relationship - that is if the protege' doesn't already have a "significant other".

1. Develop a relationship with your sobriety. Sobriety is spiritual to me, so it's more than an "event" or "something that happens". Sobriety is a "spirit" to me - something that is active and alive - something that grows and florishes if I put "work into the relationship".

2. Develop a relationship with a God of your understanding. I was taught that a personal daily working relationship with a Higher Power is the most important relationship I'll ever have. The book says this is a Great Fact. "See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others."

Regarding the attraction between you and the fella in question here, this is how I would go about it, so this is not even a "general rule", and it's not relationship advice either. I'm just switching places with the guy. I can be a (platonic) friend before getting romantically involved. More importantly, I continually "inventory" myself to be sure that I'm not carrying baggage. The last thing, I'd want to do is anchor a potential companion with my unresolved male/female conflicts.

Any relationship involves work to manage "expectations". I've also found that relationships tend to arouse passionate or strong "feelings". Unless both companions can "master" their feelings, it's too easy for one or the other to become a "slave" to their feelings. If that happens, then the relationship can become unhealthy pretty fast.

Like you said, "becoming the best me I can be" is something I would want to see happen if I were attracted to you. It's something I'd gladly wait for as your friend before we get into "dating" or companionship. In other words, I don't need to hurry anything along. I don't need to "push the river" when it flows fine on it's own.

Regarding sponsorship, I don't have to be a "friend" to be a sponsor or protege'. I pretty much use Dallas's "2 personal rules" in the same way. It's just easier to sponsor or be sponsored when there aren't certain personal "expectations" that tend to be distracting.

For me, a sponsor's first and foremost responsibility is to be a mentor that lives out the spiritual principles in their lives. In other words, I need to learn how the 12 steps and spiritual principles are APPLIED to life. The only way I can stay sober and content is through taking constructive actions which is the application of spiritual principles to every aspect of my life. In early sobriety, I need to rely on a sponsor to show me how to do just that.