when sponsor and sponsee relationship explodes

Discussions related to 12 Step Sponsors, 12 Step Sponsoring, Working with others using the 12 Steps, for AA's, NA's, Al-Anons, Nar-Anons, OA, and others using the 12 Steps.
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Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2005 2:21 pm

when sponsor and sponsee relationship explodes

Postby nxtsbjt » Fri Oct 14, 2005 2:47 pm

my heart aches & my head hurts......I recently ran into an issue with my sponsor of 2.5 yrs. It was at a meeting where someone w/21yrs was sharing a serious issue in his sobreity, during his sharing my "grand-sponsor" said "what the hell's wrong with him. He has 21 yrs he should know better" My sponsor whole heartly agreed with her. The comments went as far as "He's nothing but a dry drunk" I knew that I was too upset to confront my sponsor with my concerns that night after the meeting, so I waited till the next day, not a good thing either. I was still too upset & hurt that it didn't go well, but I thought we worked it out ok. We spent the entire next day, 7am to 6pm together at a back to basics seminar. It was a wonderful day (so I thought) with sharing 4th steps with each other. The following monday was when I noticed something off. I was confronted with a phone call that asked if I was in a better mood, when I questioned the reason for the I was told that I'd been in a bad mood for weeks, told her she most have me confused but whatever. Then she began to tell me that I talked thru the entire Friday meeting (day after she did her thing). I tried to correct her & told her that it was celebrtation night & I gave my sponsee her pin & then stood behind her (sponsor) the rest of the meeting. This little jabbing by my sponsor went on for a week till it came to me having to listen to her goat me with stuff that I shared in my 5th step with her & her telling me that I never did steps 4 & 5. Needless to say many things were said by both sides that were unkind. I asked her several times if we could stop the flinging crap at eachother, or I was going to have to find a new sponsor. She told me "Awe, thats what going on here, your shopping for a new sponsor & have been for some time" I told her no, but my husband recently lost his sponsor to the big meeting with God, so of course I should be looking for my "next" sponsor God forbid it happen to me. So, short story long, LOL, I got another sponsor, now the real issue, I have to hear from her other sponsees that they "know" what happened between us. I know that this is wrong, & all I can do is make sure that I don't repeat these same hurts & insults with my sponsees, but I do sure want to scream. I totally abandoned myself to this relationship, sharing my dirty laundry only to live in fear that this "old sponsor" is going to share my dirty secrets with others. I am so embrassed about all I've written & how I feel, I think I should KNOW better, I have 4 years sober, but this is like a horse kicked my in the gut. I seriously have pain in my heart, I'm scared to share at meetings, I'm scared to start crying for fear that I won't stop, & every time I think it's over, she wacks me up-side the head with another blow. All petty, but spiteful stuff. I am trying to be the bigger person, and concentrate on what I NEED to do, but its tough. Do I want to drink, NO WAY. I know thats not the answer but I do wanna scream & hurt back. Well thanks for taking the time to read my ranting, do I feel better? Maybe a little :cry: [/i]

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Postby Dallas » Fri Oct 14, 2005 7:07 pm

That's a tough experience that you're going through... and I can relate and identify. I don't say this lightly, or as a cliche, but the situation really will pass and if you keep doing the AA deal, and stay sober, I can assure you that one day you'll look back and it will not bother you like it bothers you now.

Sometimes it's amazing to see how badly that some recovering people can treat other recovering people. Often, it feels like it breaks my heart to see it happen to someone else, or to have it happen to myself.

I can share with you what I've done in similar situations that has helped me get to the other side.

In the 12 Traditions Forum, there is a topic with the title "12 Traditions Checklist". And, regardless of what someone else does, AA or not, I try my best to adhere to the concepts of the checklist. The only person I can be responsible for is myself. The checklist keeps me looking at my own stuff and keeps me from looking at the other persons stuff.

You may want to use a 4th Step approach on the problem. If it takes you time to learn to trust someone in AA again to do a 5th Step with it, you can always pick someone outside AA.

It would seem that with all the pain and suffering that most all of us have been through, that each of us would show more love, tolerance, kindness and understanding with each other.

Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not so good. But, there is always a Sunshine and a Rainbow after every storm... regardless of how damaging a storm can be.

About all I can say, other than that... is trust God. You'll get to the other side of this if you stay sober and if you don't give up. I realize you mentioned that you didn't think of drinking. Isn't that a great miracle? It's awesome.

Best regards to you and if I can help in any way just let me know.


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Postby Toddy » Fri Jan 28, 2011 7:13 pm

my sponsor and I have had many go arounds, he just won't listen to me, hehe, but we got through them, each apologizing for our own moments , ultimately we remained friends I think, and HP willing he will sponsor me right through step 12 and beyond.


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