Sponsee just fired me

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Sponsee just fired me

Postby tamburasi » Mon Jan 28, 2008 10:05 am

My sponsee of 1.5 years just fired me, and has asked my sponsor to also sponsor him.

I don't know what to think. I am very confused by what my sponsor told me. He said that my AA spiritual foundation is weak. He said that I am arrogant (I think he means spiritually) in that when others have asked me for help I have denied them.

I'm out on an island right now, and cannot bring myself to call him. I cannot believe that I am 100% at fault here.

I believe he is right that perhaps my foundation is weak. But, don't we practice growth rather than perfection. My relationship with him feels like I am always being held to a standard that I can't meet, and then I feel like crap about myself, feel disconnected from my group of AA friends because my actions don't meet with his standard.

If I talk to anyone else or get a second opinion, I am accused of "rallying the troops" in my defense because that's what I WANT to hear. If I question him, I am told that I just can't see it, or he suggests that he is on a higher spiritual plane and I just can't see what he sees (just like when drinking I couldn't see my lifes unmanageability yet it was apparently obvious to everyone else).


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Postby Dallas » Tue Jan 29, 2008 1:22 am

Hello Tamburasi,

It's good to see you back on the site. Haven't read anything from you in a while.

Geez, I wish I personally knew more about you, your sponsor and your situation, to make some kind of useful comments or share some of my own personal experience -- that may be helpful to you.

I don't like to get in the middle of Sponsor-Sponsee stuff -- so, I go to any lengths to try and avoid it.

Is this the same sponsor that you were having problems with, about a year ago? I looked up one of your old messages to see what it was like last year. www.step12.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=3891

Perhaps, it's time to do something different on your recovery path.

In my own life, I try to stick to the Big Book suggestions, and look until I find my part in any problem that I have. If I look close enough -- even if the other guy or gal had a bigger part to the problem than I did -- I still, always had a part in it.

Sometimes -- my part in the problem is that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time -- doing something with the wrong person to be doing it with. When that's the case for me, I try to find out which of my character defects were in play, when I was making the unhealthy choices.

Was it my self-esteem? My pride? My "herd instinct" of wanting to be "a part of the in-crowd"? Was I being selfish? Self-seeking? Dishonest? Or, afraid?

Also, in Chapter 5, of the Big Book, in the info for Step 3, pages 60-63, it appears that even when my motives and intentions are perfectly good -- there are going to be times, when things are just not going to go my way, and it will end up in minor and major problems for me.

After I figure out "the exact nature of my wrongs" (without looking at the other persons wrongs) -- then, I have something to work with. And, it becomes information that I can use to make some changes for the better.

Of course, my next Step, after I identify "my stuff" -- is that I need to find someone "who understands" what I'm trying to do, and talk to them about it.

They may not have any good advice or suggestions to give me. But, often, that doesn't matter. It seems that when I can hear myself, talking about what I need to change -- the truth becomes clear and obvious to me.

If I were in your situation, and perhaps, in a way, sometimes I have been in the same situation, but in a slightly different way, I would want to find someone who is familiar with A.A. and with alcoholics and alcoholic thinking -- and talk to them about the problem, explaining my parts in it, and seeking their help.

There have been times when I've felt offended and hurt by something my sponsor has said to me or the way that he said it. Personally, I get terrified to get angry with my sponsor. I have to find a sober and sane solution to my anger or hurt -- because I've seen the horrible things that have happened to others -- who got angry with their sponsor.

The way I look at it for myself is: Maybe God did have something to do with me picking the sponsor that I picked -- and, making it possible for that person to be my sponsor. Maybe not. But, what if He did? In reality -- I'll probably never know -- for sure -- the full answer to that question. It's okay with me -- if I never know. Because, in my reality -- it doesn't matter to me. And, the reason that it doesn't matter to me -- is because

I believe that "if I use the tools that God has given me" -- "the 12 Steps in guiding me what to do" -- God will somehow direct -- my thinking and my actions and choices and decisions, which will impact my results. And, either way how it turns out -- even if it explodes in my face -- God can help me, to make the best of it, so that the things that didn't look like they were good for me -- became the building blocks for what was best for me.

I don't like to think about changes that will be uncomfortable, or difficult or painful. But, sometimes, difficult, uncomfortable and painful changes -- can lead to my highest and best good.

I hope that I've helped rather than harmed. I wish you the best in making some choices and decisions -- that only you can make.

Dallas B.

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Postby dahlgren » Tue Jan 29, 2008 1:00 pm

Hi tamburasi, I'm Mike an alcoholic/addict.

All very good points Dallas made and I believe they are founded in his vast experience, strength and hope. I personally always get so much from his posts and responses, always causes me to think a little deeper, a little further.

One thing he said caused me to think about something I have a very deep belief in;

I don't like to think about changes that will be uncomfortable, or difficult or painful. But, sometimes, difficult, uncomfortable and painful changes -- can lead to my highest and best good.

If I take that point further for myself, which is what I do, I firmly believe that God puts things in my path that I need to continue growing in my conscience contact with Him. He always gives me exactly what I need and on very rare occasions sometimes what I want but a want for me has to be something He decides I need. There are those rare occasions where the two mesh bnut the bottom line is that if it doesn't cause growth in or for me then it's probably not something I need.

I can remember when I first came in the program hearing so many people say, "Be careful what you pray for, you might get it". I thought to myself,what are these crazy people talking about? Isn't that the point of prayer, honest prayer? I believe that yes, that is the point of my praying to my Higher Power and if I am sincere and my motives pure then I will receive what I pray for. It wasn't long before I discovered what all of those "crazy people" meant. Pray for patience, very soon the many opportunities starting arising for me....to PRACTICE patience! Ok I get it now, I was given what I prayed for, just not in the form I expected.

So now when I'm faced with a challenge or problem in or out of the program I try to look at it from every way possible and as Dallas so aptly put, look at my part in the issue. In most if not all cases I will find my part in it and grow from the opportunity presented to me.

I wish you success in your situation with sponsorship tamburasi and the only suggestion I would give is don't wait too long in your search for a new sponsor, they're lifesavers indeed and integral to a successful program.

In love and recovery,

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Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2006 4:36 pm

continuing saga

Postby tamburasi » Tue Jan 29, 2008 1:14 pm

Thank you both for your responses. Here is what I AM doing.

I have gone back to basics. In an effort to keep it simple I am praying in the morning for God to keep me sober, not let me hurt others, be helpful to others, and praying for some people that need prayers right now. I am talking to other drunks in an effort to help them.

My attitude during the day is good and I am no longer feeling as low as I was when I first got fired. Mostly, I miss the intimate friendship my sponsee and I had.

Here is what I am not doing!

I haven't called my sponsor for a talk. I just cannot seem to smash this ego of mine and humble myself to call him.

TAKE HEED OF THIS NEWCOMERS we are all susceptible.

I know I should; I know it's not good for me; I know this might be a slippery slope; But I can't seem to do it. Rather i drive around having imaginary conversations with him in my car (this is what a resentment is). I also know resentments aren't for us. Yet still can't make the call. I hate this!

Pray for me so that God gives me the courage. I will add this to my prayers in the am and pm.

I feel OK, yet there is something lacking. I am aware of it.

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Postby GeoffS » Mon Feb 04, 2008 10:19 pm

Sounds like you have a surrender coming up.

Do you need to be 100% at fault to need to clean your side of the street?

I'd suggest calling your sponsor, cleaning house and having another look at 4,5,6,7 maybe?

Then call the sponsee and look at your 9

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