- Step 4 resentment

Step 4 resentment




12 Steps: Discussions related to the 12 Steps and using them as a treatment to recover from alcohol and drug addiction.

Postby Susan68 » Sat Jun 27, 2009 8:20 pm

Well, I'm just a gal with just under 60 days and I can tell you that I run far away from anyone walking around with needles in their hands. There are enough pricks in life. If this program is not gentle like Jesus it's certainly not going to do anything for me.
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Postby Danni » Sat Jun 27, 2009 9:05 pm

The book also says if an alcoholic can find an easier softer way they are free to find it. Some alcoholics go to church instead of A.A. because the A.A. program is more difficult than church.

Hugs to all.

Danni
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Postby angel143 » Sat Jun 27, 2009 11:22 pm

'Cold' is definitely in the eye of the beholder!

An example was earlier today....my kids were doing something, that I would say was dumb, I didnt say it out loud...but I thought it! They are 9 and 10 and know better. I told them to stop, they were gonna get hurt. You know....the typical mom thing. They kept doing it. Guess what....one of them got hurt.

I said 'I dont wanna hear it...I told you to stop, told you what was gonna happen, you did it anyway...you will be fine, I dont wanna hear it.' A friend that was here said 'God, you're mean and cold to your kid' Ahhhh, NO, im not!! What would babying him have done? Taught him that he can do whatever he wants and no matter what, someone will be there to pick up the pieces so to speak. If he was turning blue or gushing blood...obviously I would have helped him. But this wasnt anything bad.

In my mind, I wasnt being cold. I warned them...they did it anyway....they need to suffer the consequences and figure out how to go about it the right way!

My friend saw it as cold because...'its your kid, you are suppose to help them with every single thing they go through in life' Ok, obviously this person doesnt have kids! Kids need to learn their own life lessons...age appropriate...but still...they need to learn!

Now, some of you may think I was cold, and some of you will agree with me. But that just shows us that being cold is up for individual interpretation. And different things work for different people.

ME...sometimes I need to be babyed and other times I need to have someone slap me in the face and tell me to suck it up!

Just my thoughts.

xo
Heather
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Postby Candy » Sun Jun 28, 2009 3:23 am

i slipped in an out of aa seven years. last time almost killed me again worst time ever. i was pampered & babied they did not want to scare me away. i was younger & pretty & sexy 2! . only one person told me first time i must get honest must change clean house must get rid of resentments or my disease wud kill me. i wudnt listen 2 him. he was cute but wudnt endorse my bs so i classed him as a** hole. i was different it dnt apply. i just wanted to have fun and not drink. i coudnt stay sober they still pampered me. i finally turned to mr. a** hole and took his advice. now when he says something i take it as god talking to me. im sober now and wish i listened to him sooner. today im staying sober. most of the time im happy. i had to clean house first. he saved my life by telling me the truth. xoxoxo. Candy can.
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Postby tim-one » Sun Jun 28, 2009 8:02 am

GEEEEEEEEEZ, y'all ... How did I miss all this discussion in MY OWN THREAD!?!?!?! Where the hell have I been !!?!?

"Am I my brother's keeper?
Yes, sir, I surely am.
If I'm my brother's keeper,
Then tell me who's brother I am."

I been tough-loved by my Loving One. Go figure. He abandoned me when I needed Him most. But then, I TOLD HIM to leave me the hell alone.

Come to find out, He never "left me". He just backed off until I hit bottom after bottom and was eventually convinced that I was of no value to myself. He just stepped back into the shadows watching, crying, until I was willing to reach my own hand out and accept His help.

It's so sad that some never get it before their bottomest bottom breaks through. Oh, you oughta see the heartbreak of my Loving One then.

It's a hard thing for us human-type-people to watch. You, know ... like watching your favorite football team losing, sitting on the edge of the sofa with your feet running, your arms reaching out to catch the ball, your head lowers, teeth, clinch, face scrunches to empower the tackle ... you're worn smooth out and all your muscles ache later as if you were in the game.

I was thinkin' about the difference between mothering and fathering. Caught a psyche study one time of the different parenting techniques we appear to be born with.

Mothers tend to help their children do a thing, solve a problem, with their own hands, giving them the answers.

Fathers tend to make them figure it out themselves.

Mother - "DON'T DO THAT! YOU'LL BREAK YOUR NECK!" Broken arm. Thank God she was wrong about the neck.

Next time I want to try ... "Nope. You're NOT doing that again."
___

Father - "Knock yourself out. See what happens." Knot on head.

Next time I want to try it again. ... "Knock yourself out. Try it this way and see what happens."

I remember a time when a previous wife and I were watching our 8 yo son play baseball. He got his clock cleaned by a bouncer. My wife immediately jumped up and started running out to the field. But I grabbed her belt in time and sat her fanny down.

She was beating me trying to get away to save our son. Mothers are like that. Yeah, they are. :wink: It's their JOB!

Believe me, I was just as concerned. But I knew that it would be more damaging to his ego to be babied by his mother in PUBLIC, fer cryin' out loud, than to be carried off the field with dignity.

Besides, she probly woulda wailed the tar outa the kid who hit the dam ball and got ME beat up saving her from the other kid's dad. :P

Mom's and dad's have different jobs. So do we in AA as near as I can figure. Sometimes we have to know when to be mom and when to be dad. We each have to take on either role from time to time.

It's also why we are a body. Each of us is blessed with an abundance of one or the other attitude. Together we are both parents, both necessary to the parenting of HP's kids ... which are US.

Well, that's my idear.

Love ya, my bros & sisses.
Tim1

PS: I dunno. For some reason, like PROJECTING AND ANTICIPATING, I'm inclined to remind y'all that the foregoing was from a clinical analysis and there were, of course, exceptions to the final generalization. GENERALLY SPEAKING. NOT ALL OR EVERY. K? :lol:
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Postby Susan68 » Sun Jun 28, 2009 3:13 pm

As I have said in another post here and there, one size does not fit all. Maybe it takes a particular individual a certain amout of God-determined time to come to terms with one's own culpability in a certain situation, etc. Some guy or gal getting all "militant" about it, because the book says "if he's not willing to do the steps go find someone who is" is not going to hasten that process; in fact, it might have the result of prolonging it or sending someone out to to hit a lower bottom (thereby justifying the militant one, "self-fulfilling prophesy" and then won't you feel good being able to say "I told you so" when he/she comes back further borken).

If humility really enters that process, the sponsor will continue to calmly express his/her thoughts on the subject, perhaps saying a prayer that so and so will get it. To use the "child" metaphor, that's teaching by example. To me this is a pretty simple concept but it seems to be a huge issue in this program and one that irritates me to no end, as all can plainly see by reading my regular diatribes on the topic.
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Postby Danni » Sun Jun 28, 2009 3:52 pm

Is there ever a time when a neighbor needs to mind their own business and be just a neighbor instead of attempting to parent and control the outcomes for their other neighbors?

Is there a time when an adult should become an adult? For an adult alcoholic to achieve and maintain maturity? Are we supposed to coddle them as if they are children that can’t take care of their own life and make their own decisions?

Whatever happened to the concept of individual freedom and responsibility?

Each time that my radio or TV is on I hear about some new Czar (Parent?) that’s been appointed to make my decisions and decide what’s best for me, because I’m unable to make those individual decisions for myself. The government thinks it needs to take care of me because I can’t take care of myself.

Is this the direction that Alcoholics Anonymous should follow?

Whatever happened to the concept of “Live and Let Liveâ€
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Postby JayWalker » Sun Jun 28, 2009 4:41 pm

Why not follow the instructions in the book instead of trying to write a new one?

Below is a small sampling of...

Chapter 7, Working with Others

"When you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him. If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him. You may spoil a later opportunity. This advice is given for his family also. They should be patient, realizing they are dealing with a sick person." page 90.



"Sometimes it is wise to wait till he goes on a binge. The family may object to this, but unless he is in a dangerous physical condition, it is better to risk it." page 90


"Your candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all of the program. He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which requires discussion with other people. Do not contradict such views. Tell him you once felt as he does, but you doubt whether you would have made much progress had you not taken action." page 94


"If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. " page 95

"If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it go at that." page 95

JayWalker
You'll find me in Chapter Three, page 37
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Postby Susan68 » Sun Jun 28, 2009 4:52 pm

JayWalker wrote:Why not follow the instructions in the book instead of trying to write a new one?

Below is a small sampling of...

Chapter 7, Working with Others

"When you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him. If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him. You may spoil a later opportunity. This advice is given for his family also. They should be patient, realizing they are dealing with a sick person." page 90.



"Sometimes it is wise to wait till he goes on a binge. The family may object to this, but unless he is in a dangerous physical condition, it is better to risk it." page 90


"Your candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all of the program. He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which requires discussion with other people. Do not contradict such views. Tell him you once felt as he does, but you doubt whether you would have made much progress had you not taken action." page 94


"If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. " page 95

"If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it go at that." page 95

JayWalker
You'll find me in Chapter Three, page 37


Exactly. The writing throughout the BB and the 12+12 is so humble yet it gets the point across in very plain, irrefutable terms. That's why I stopped talking to other people and just started studying the materials.

And now I've started to be a bit testy in my responses, so I'm going to stop and wish everyone a fine and sober day.
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Postby ROBERT » Sun Jun 28, 2009 6:10 pm

great stuff here....I've come to see the 12X12 as one mans experience w/the steps "BILLS" he wrote it later, on his own w/o any panel to oversee the work, as what happened w/ the writing of the BIG BOOK.. so I don't see the 12x12 as program,more as opinion....the B.B. IS THE PROGRAM...early i was gung-ho and thought alot of readings were program material today i read alot but I UNDERSTAND....the meat is in the B.B. and the potatoes is in the action.....
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12 Step Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery | - Step 4 resentment