WOW...you all are so wonderful to take the time to respond. I had some developments last night! And I think they were wonderful!
K...1st..no, I am NOT attracted to the guy who offered to sponsor me. I had feeling it would be a bad idea with him being so sure that we were gonna be dating.
Last night was a ladies meeting. Ladies ONLY. Ya know...no men!!! Well guess who showed up! Ok, so at this point I thought the guy had lost his damn marbles!!! He approached me outside and asked again to sponsor me. I politely declined. He proceeded to say "well, thats fine, ya know, you may not be as bad off as some others...so you might be ok to date now...ya wanna go out?' eyecryrumba! Really? Wow...I thought guys only acted this way when they were in a bar and drinking! I, very obviously, declined. I also requested that he back off. He didnt seem to think that was necessary. He said 'well, if you arent in a relationship, then whats the problem' Ok, so I see what everyone meant when they said...he might want to revisit his own 12 steps! Guy is crazy..off his rocker, looney tunes. I realize....I look pretty darn good in a hat, no make-up and jeans...but really!
One lady was walking by, as she passed behind me, I grabbed her...she turned and looked at him. She wasnt as nice as I was about the whole thing. I had talked to her previously and told her some things...she told him the same things I did, only not in a nice way....he put his head down, apologized, and promised not to bother me again. WHEW! Small favors!
She was nice, we went to grab something to eat later and as we were talking we just started talking about me, and where I am and where I think I am and what I need to do. I pulled out my worksheets for step 4, told her that I wanted to find someone to help me with it. I looked up at her, must have the puppy dog eyes or sumthin cause she laughed and said 'geez....you look like my kids use to when they wanted something!' She isnt able to be a sponsor...she is moving in a couple days, outta the country. But she took it upon herself to sit with me the entire rest of the night and go through the worksheets. I am going on NO sleep today. But feel so good.
I got through all the worksheets. It wasnt easy, and whenever I would cry she took the tissue box away. 'Hand someone a tissue and they stop crying...stop cleansing...get it out, deal with it, and move on' she was so right.
When I read the responses here, I realized that its a lot of what she was saying last night. She assured me that I may very well have things that come up later that I didnt think of or realize that I needed to inventory. But its ok. I can deal with that when the time comes. As long as I am honest now and do my best.
I never realized the things that I resented, or was angry about. My fears...wow! amazing.
I told her that the list of people harmed....was going to be easy to make amends with compared to trying to make amends with the last name on the list. She looked...it said 'self'.
No one can make me feel anything that I am not willing to let them make me feel. So they really are not the ones that are the problem. Its me. And its the way I think. I need to look at the other side of things. I need to be patient with myself. I need to forgive myself. I need to love myself.
Last night was rough, it was really rough. I thought about things that I hadnt thought about in what seems like forever.
I could go on and on. But this kind lady....(18 years sober) helped me a great deal. She is going to put me in touch with some really great ladies that will be willing to help me!
See...I closed my eyes, talked to my HP, told Him I was leaving it to Him. He makes better choices than I do.
Thanks for letting me share. Thank you all for caring so much to help me.
I am going to be spending time with her for the next couple days till she leaves. Talk. Learn. Experience. I WILL be the best me. I WILL be happy. And I WILL do it all sober.
I love you all,