I think I understand about heartbreaks. I had few of them. Some while sober, some while drinking.
The thing I want to say is this: every single living thing that happens in life, and every single person that crosses my path or touches my life is interconnected. Sometimes it looks like complete chaos. But after a time, things often times begin to make sense.
I had a girl who I thought was "the one". I was head over heels in love. I was sober. I was a good man, and I cherished that girl. She was a former model, and she was the prettiest thing I ever laid my eyes upon. She wasn't a drinker. For a long time neither was I. But I picked up the bottles again.
When she filed for divorce, I was no longer sober. My "good" had been transformed into hatred and resentment. I blamed her for everything that went wrong. It was all my fault, but I swore up and down it was all her fault. When I put my lips to the bottle, I destroyed that marriage.
Then I was like you say you're feeling. I was alone. Nothing beautiful to lay my eyes on. Nothing sensuous to lock my lips on. No home to live in. Her bills, alimony, child support, and broke. But I had my bottle. Now I could drink how I wanted to drink.
Then I stopped drinking. Then I was worse than alone. I realized what I did to that young and beautiful wife. I was horrified. My heart hurt 3 times as much as when I was drinking. I hated myself because I saw who I had become and remembered what I used to be like. Everything was gone, my brother. Gone - gone - gone.
I lost myself. After about 4 weeks of sobriety, I put a 9mm Beretta to my head. No booze, no wife, no things, no reason to live. Just the most miserable person on the planet. No hope. No God. Nothing. Just that "chilling vapor" of loneliness and oblivion. I couldn't see life with alcohol or without it.
I knew lonliness such as few do. I hear that in your words, too, Gary. There are probably lots of things different between you and me, but you're talking about something I'm familiar with.
That heartbreak lasted 11 years - a long time into my sobriety. There was nothing in between. No sweet or pretty face to kiss, no beauttful eyes to get lost in. I carried that burden like a backpack every single day, and it weighed me down. Real heavy. I thought I was never again going to love another woman or have another wife. I reckoned I was unworthy of ever finding love again, and I resigned myself to that. I even made amends to the ex. She forgave me, God forgave me, but there I was some 5 years sober and I didn't forgive myself.
I can't even begin to count how many tears I cried about that heartbreak.
One day something peculiar happened. I was working a program, and I was secretary of a meeting. Minding my own business - not miserable any more, but not happy either. And very much alone.
There was this girl I knew for a while, and she was at my group - a very attractive young woman - even prettier than my ex. We were walking out the door, when she turned around and gave me a hug which totally caught me off-guard. We were friends for a long time before that, but something weird happened. I don't know what motivated her to do that, but in the middle of that hug she said "I love you." I said what?
She repeated it. I casually smiled and said well I love you too.
Then I darted for my truck. I couldn't hold back my tears. I drove home, and I sat in my recliner for two hours crying, and repeating "she loves me".
That girl turned my whole world upside down. Every single lie I believed about my unworthiness of love, my self-hatred, my self-punishment - all of these were lies I believed about myself until that night. I had nothing to stand on any more. My false world collapsed right in front of me. How could I be "unworthy" of love if that girl just told me she loves me? Was she lying? I didn't think so, but I put her to the test.
Without getting into the details other than to say we didn't make love or get involved back then, she really did love me and convinced me she loved me. She still does to this day. No fooling.
I thought I'd lost love. But love found me in spite of myself.
You know what, pardner? That gives me a reason to smile! She gave me what no other woman could have given me. That was hope restored.
If you trust what I'm saying, that every event and every life that touches your life is interconnected, you might find some hope too. It might not happen over night. It might take 11 years like it took me.
But Lord have mercy - was it ever worth the wait!
I thought I knew everything there was to know about me, and about how love was lost. I didn't know squat! That's been a few 24 hours ago.
I've had relationships since then with non-alcoholics, drinkers, and sober women in the fellowship. I own a home, and it seems anything good that I lost has returned in spades.
The prettiest thing I'm beginning to realize today is just what I'm saying. Nothing is ever really "lost", and every single life and/or event that touches my life happens for a reason.
I wish you the best. I hope you find the treasures I've found. They wouldn't be here if it weren't for achieving sobriety one-day-at-a-time.