The Source of Our Resentments

[Dallas]

For this topic, please confine your comments to ideas and information that is centered in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

The Source of Our Resentments

[b]The actual topic is: “Self-Centered and Self-Centerednessâ€

[garden variety]

Well shoot! I ain' skert of no book! Even if its big!

Let me walk backwards a minute. Today I know that "self-sacrifice and unselfish constructive action" NEVER FAIL. That means NEVER. Ever. So ineveitably, the opposite must be true.

Self-centeredness and selfish destructive action ALWAYS FAIL.

How does this happen?

I think it's all in the fuel mixture.

In fact I think its one ingredient in the fuel mixture that makes or breaks my "success" with the recovery program.

FEAR.

Let me work backwards again.

The "main object" of this here book you're-a-talkin'-about is helping the alcoholic who reads it to "find a Power" greater than himself. According to that book the only way I can get rid of selfishenss and self-centeredness is with God's help. Plain and simple. In fact the book even says that most "good ideas are [plain] and simple" just like that.

So the only way to do this deal is "We had to have God's help".

That book says it's "main object" will "enable" me to FIND God.

What has to happen to find a God? I have to lose something which apparently has been in the fuel mixture.

That is FEAR. The only way I can FIND "Higher Power" and put it in my fuel mixture is to lose FEAR from out of my fuel mixture.

You're probably wondering why I'm saying "fuel mixture". Well what do you you think the fuel mixture does? Without the fuel mixture, there is no driving, right? So if FEAR is in the fuel mixture, I'm driven by a hundred different forms of fear.

I'm AFRAID of today, tomorrow, and the hearafter if FEAR is what's driving me.

I lose FEAR when I FIND a Higher Power

The driving force gets transformed. When I get this "new power" (Higher Power) flowing in the fuel mixture, I no longer look at "Today, tomorrow, and the hereafter" as something I take away from. Instead I find myself wanting to "contribute to" today, tomorrow, and the hereafter.

So now I'll try and simplify the formula for the fuel mixture which drives my life...that is what MOTIVATES me into action.

FEAR = ALWAYS FAILS
(Unselfish) CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION = NEVER FAILS

CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION = FINDING GOD = LOSING FEAR

This fuel mixture works because it's a spiritual program of action

[Dallas]

Thanks Paul.

Now, I'll rachet it up one notch:

The Source of Fear

Fear is the next thing we inventory in the Fourth Step

It's impossible to have fear -- without having self-centeredness!

I would suppose -- that "Self-Centeredness" is a topic that's more important than Fear! Because, without "Self-Centeredness" there would be no Fear to inventory!

Dallas

[garden variety]

Yeah but but but

From what I'm seeing is that selfishness and self-centeredness is the result of my fear. I'm afraid I won't get enough of today, tomorrow, and the hereafter which is what makes me self-centered and selfish. Or like I was trying to say is what FUELS my selfisheness and self-centeredness.

Fear is what drives me to step on the toes of my fellows. When I step on their toes, they retaliate against me like it says in the book. I'm "hurt" by their retaliation that I get because I'm AFEARED I won't get enough of what my fellows have, and I take more. Then I get the resentment.

Look at all of those things that are in the fuel mixture:

Fear

Self-delusion: Afraid of seeing the truth about me

Self-seeking: Afraid that nobody else will look out for my needs

Self-pity: Afraid that nobody will care for me or pay attention to me

Then if I look at the selfishness and self-centeredness standing alone, I'm afraid that I'm not as good as anyone else which means that I am "unworthy" of anyone's love, especially God's. So I'm afriad that no one will love me which means I better "love" myself more than anyone else - at least there's someone taking care of me.

Or how about if I look at being egotistical? Again I'm afraid. I'm afraid that everyone else is better than me, and if they really knew the way I am, they would know they are better than me.

So I think FEAR has a whole bunch to do with self-centeredness and selfishness and egotism.

What I do then is either I directly or indirectly take action that produces these outcomes.

I guess what I'm saying is I can't figure out how to take FEAR out of self-centeredness and selfishness. And maybe what you're saying is the same thing "from another angle". Perhaps you can't figure out how to take selfisheness and self-centeredness out of FEAR.

I think a RESENTMENT is that same FEAR played over and over again - FEAR that is "r-e-s-e-n-t"

[Dallas]

I'm afraid I won't get enough of today, tomorrow, and the hereafter which is what makes me self-centered and selfish

Precisely as you said....

Self-interest (self-centeredness "it's about me") initiates the Fear.

It's the root of the fear.

Then, the Fear that has been initiated by the self-centeredness -- fuels more Fear!

Self has to be involved -- in fear.

If Self is not involved -- there will be no fear.

A simple solution for Fears and Resentments? Get rid of the Source!

If there is no Source for Fears and Resentments -- we will be freed of them and able to live without them.

Dallas

[angel143]

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[angel143]

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[Dallas]

1. We're using the Big Book here, so the quotes from the "other book" are inappropriate -- so, you'll want to edit your message to remove that part that refers to "the other book". (That's the same as "outside information"... that causes so much confusion here).

2. We're trying to keep focused on what's in the Big Book. While other books may be great -- that's one of the sources for confusion around here and in AA.

3. The BB IS the "instructions for the AA plan of recovery". It isn't hard to understand if you stick with that book. And, we will all be on the same pages, discussing the same things.

4. The first post in this thread specifically refers to using the BB.

Thanks.

Dallas

Ok, and then what do you do when the source of the fears and resentment are yourself?

Yourself is not the source of fears and resentments... when the BB refers to "these arise out of ourself"... it's referring to "what you are doing."

You are not "what you do." and "What you do is not you."

Self-centeredness is an "attribute" or "quality" in the personality. While it's not a good quality -- it is a quality.

Often, you'll hear people say something like "I'm my problem."

Nothing in the BB says or indicates that "I'm my problem."

If "I'm my problem" the only solution is to "shoot myself"

When someone say's "I'm my problem" if they are trying to relate it to something in the BB -- they're confused about what they read in the BB.
(Most often, though, they didn't even read it in the BB, they simply heard someone else say it -- got some laughs -- and decided to parrot it as truth, thinking "well they approved of what that guy/girl said" so they consider it as fact and truth).

Ok, and then what do you do when the source of the fears and resentment are yourself?

Try to imagine having a fear or resentment -- that does not include "thinking about yourself". Can you do it?

If you can't do it -- then "your thinking about yourself" is the root of your problem -- and this root is "self-centered"... in other words "it's your thinking" of "it's all about you" that's the problem.

If I didn't answer your question -- please ask it again -- maybe a little differently.

Thanks
Dallas

[Dallas]

Reminder, the first sentence in the topic instructions above is:

For this topic, please confine your comments to ideas and information that is centered in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

[gunner48]

Howdy All
Source Of Resentment
First definition of resentment: to feel or show hurt or indignation at( some act) or toward (a person) from a sense of being offended.
Sounds like 4th step to me. Made a searching and fearless MORAL Inventory.
Is not selfish and self centeriness of me saying its OK for me to treat you bad but you had better not treat me that way.
I don't believe I can have a resentment against anyone or anything unless I feel they have harmed me. For some reason if you treat me right I don't get resentments. On our 4th step we listed on our GRUDGE LIST page 65 those we were sore at. Who are they and what did they do either AS A ACTION TOWARD ME OR A REACTION TO WHAT I HAD DONE. In other words my own difinition Of harm. We look at what within us was injured. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions our personal or sex relations (these 5 things)
on page 66 it states we turn back to this list for it held the key to the future.
page 67 Referring to the list again, putting out of our minds what others had done we resolutly looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been SELFISH, DISHONEST, SELF-SEEKING OR FRIGHTENED (4 THINGS)
WHERE WERE WE TO BLAME? we LISTED OUR FAULTS. ADMITTED OUR WRONGS AND WERE WILLING TO SET THINGS RIGHT
What I found was if it was wrong for others to treat me a certain way then it is absolutly wrong for me to treat them that way. I was able to say this is wrong by my own definition. I had to start treating all people the way I wanted to be treated.
The hardest two words in our language to say is I'm Wrong. Remember FONZY couldn't do it (for those of us who know him)
I hope I have not confused anyone. But resentments are grave. If you follow the Big Book on this you will be fine in the long run.