The Ex

A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am

The Ex

Postby GaryK » Sun Jul 05, 2009 8:18 am

Same story, sort of................

Drank my way out of a job. Then drank my way out of a 2 & 1/2 year
"Relationship" with an independent "Party Girl" from a long ways away.
Or was it the other way around.
Don't matter really............. They both are gone, in the physical sense.
She moved up here and it lasted about 3 weeks.
Her drinkin, me drinkin, you know the story.................

Been going on 2 months. Got an email from the Ex the other day wantin to come and get the rest of her stuff, laced with a little emotion about bein scared to death of me, abuse, and violence kind of stuff.
Then there is the old car issue. The rig is still registered in her name and I guess she's figuring I'd get drunk, smash it up and she'd be liable.
OK, thats all cool. I can understand it.
I ain't drinkin, so there is no need of the Fear thing.

I'm a drunk, We know that. I know that. I'm workin on it, ODAT, doin what I need to do for ME to get MY act together.
She drinks way more than "Social", and in my observation come 5 o'clock and she don't have her 2 glasses of Vino....Look Out.
Not to be takin Her inventory..................But everything, everyone in her life is subject to drinkin. I got no business bein with a chick that drinks that way...............or at all for that matter.
Right now, anyway I can't and Don't Want To be in that atmosphere and Drinkin Mind Set.

We ALL know the Neon Lights, the music, the BS of it all, the gossip, the come ons, "The Party".
Not my Path, Today..................

My emotions, my feelings, are as Raw as Hell over this Chick. The Dream that never was.
I still got some pretty heavy duty resentments over this deal.
Tryin to let them go, heal my own head, and move on.

I want to be at a space where she looks like a plate of cold mashed potatoes, and I can walk away with dignity and honor.
But I ain't there yet.
I just got a call from a friend who says she has been calling them pumpin them for information on what I'm up to.

I talked to my sponsor........and my minister about this deal and both of them said to just let it go. Pretty much ignor it.
Easy for them to say...........................

I want a clean and sober life. And I know what I gotta do, for ME.
In the midst of the Alcoholic Merry Go Round, all bets are off and people do and say things that make no sense.
But the next morning, the pain and emotions are still there after the booze wears off.
I know this thing with her ain't gonna work.
But she blew me off hands down a couple months ago and now is fisin around..............
This makes no sense!

I guess I'm just needin to rant a little. And nobody likes to here about Relationships in meetings. My sponsor is gettin kind of sick of it too. Although he said "I been right where your at Bro".
Keep talkin about it...................

Hope Y'all had a Good 4th, without a 5th.

Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:53 pm

Postby Susan68 » Sun Jul 05, 2009 5:49 pm

Broken hearts are the worst. . .

It's all you can think about and no one wants to hear it. I think that's pretty universal.

I have no words of wisdom (it's been quite a long time since I had my heart broken by a handsome man with a square jaw and beautiful blue eyes), but I'm sorry you're dealing with this while you're trying to get sober.

. . . That one is GOD, may you find him now. :)

garden variety
Posts: 750
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:39 pm

Postby garden variety » Wed Jul 08, 2009 1:27 pm

Hey Gary,

I think I understand about heartbreaks. I had few of them. Some while sober, some while drinking.

The thing I want to say is this: every single living thing that happens in life, and every single person that crosses my path or touches my life is interconnected. Sometimes it looks like complete chaos. But after a time, things often times begin to make sense.

I had a girl who I thought was "the one". I was head over heels in love. I was sober. I was a good man, and I cherished that girl. She was a former model, and she was the prettiest thing I ever laid my eyes upon. She wasn't a drinker. For a long time neither was I. But I picked up the bottles again.

When she filed for divorce, I was no longer sober. My "good" had been transformed into hatred and resentment. I blamed her for everything that went wrong. It was all my fault, but I swore up and down it was all her fault. When I put my lips to the bottle, I destroyed that marriage.

Then I was like you say you're feeling. I was alone. Nothing beautiful to lay my eyes on. Nothing sensuous to lock my lips on. No home to live in. Her bills, alimony, child support, and broke. But I had my bottle. Now I could drink how I wanted to drink.

Then I stopped drinking. Then I was worse than alone. I realized what I did to that young and beautiful wife. I was horrified. My heart hurt 3 times as much as when I was drinking. I hated myself because I saw who I had become and remembered what I used to be like. Everything was gone, my brother. Gone - gone - gone.

I lost myself. After about 4 weeks of sobriety, I put a 9mm Beretta to my head. No booze, no wife, no things, no reason to live. Just the most miserable person on the planet. No hope. No God. Nothing. Just that "chilling vapor" of loneliness and oblivion. I couldn't see life with alcohol or without it.

I knew lonliness such as few do. I hear that in your words, too, Gary. There are probably lots of things different between you and me, but you're talking about something I'm familiar with.

That heartbreak lasted 11 years - a long time into my sobriety. There was nothing in between. No sweet or pretty face to kiss, no beauttful eyes to get lost in. I carried that burden like a backpack every single day, and it weighed me down. Real heavy. I thought I was never again going to love another woman or have another wife. I reckoned I was unworthy of ever finding love again, and I resigned myself to that. I even made amends to the ex. She forgave me, God forgave me, but there I was some 5 years sober and I didn't forgive myself.

I can't even begin to count how many tears I cried about that heartbreak.

One day something peculiar happened. I was working a program, and I was secretary of a meeting. Minding my own business - not miserable any more, but not happy either. And very much alone.

There was this girl I knew for a while, and she was at my group - a very attractive young woman - even prettier than my ex. We were walking out the door, when she turned around and gave me a hug which totally caught me off-guard. We were friends for a long time before that, but something weird happened. I don't know what motivated her to do that, but in the middle of that hug she said "I love you." I said what?

She repeated it. I casually smiled and said well I love you too.

Then I darted for my truck. I couldn't hold back my tears. I drove home, and I sat in my recliner for two hours crying, and repeating "she loves me".

That girl turned my whole world upside down. Every single lie I believed about my unworthiness of love, my self-hatred, my self-punishment - all of these were lies I believed about myself until that night. I had nothing to stand on any more. My false world collapsed right in front of me. How could I be "unworthy" of love if that girl just told me she loves me? Was she lying? I didn't think so, but I put her to the test.

Without getting into the details other than to say we didn't make love or get involved back then, she really did love me and convinced me she loved me. She still does to this day. No fooling.

I thought I'd lost love. But love found me in spite of myself.

You know what, pardner? That gives me a reason to smile! She gave me what no other woman could have given me. That was hope restored.

If you trust what I'm saying, that every event and every life that touches your life is interconnected, you might find some hope too. It might not happen over night. It might take 11 years like it took me.

But Lord have mercy - was it ever worth the wait!

I thought I knew everything there was to know about me, and about how love was lost. I didn't know squat! That's been a few 24 hours ago.

I've had relationships since then with non-alcoholics, drinkers, and sober women in the fellowship. I own a home, and it seems anything good that I lost has returned in spades.

The prettiest thing I'm beginning to realize today is just what I'm saying. Nothing is ever really "lost", and every single life and/or event that touches my life happens for a reason.

I wish you the best. I hope you find the treasures I've found. They wouldn't be here if it weren't for achieving sobriety one-day-at-a-time.

Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am

Postby GaryK » Wed Jul 08, 2009 2:00 pm

Whoa................ :)

Awesome story my friend. Gives me hope, restores my faith, and puts a smile on my face.

Things have been happening up here.
Been doing a lot of meetings, talkin to or seein my Sponor daily, readin my stuff, prayin, seein my Therapist, 10th step come bed time, and just doin what feels right.
Poundin a few nails with a Bro down the road.

Lonliness, as few have known....Right On.
Missin her like missin part of me. Got her email, then a couple phone calls all laced with venom.
BUT, I didn't get into with her. It was my doin, most of it.
Fear, jelousy, know.
I just let it go, sorta........and turned the deal over as to the best of my ability.

After doin my 4th and 5th steps, something changed in me and that knawing, tight fisted, knot in my stomache that I treid to anestisize for years is starting to loosen it's grip. Slowly but surely............
Every day it's a little less.
I got some Faith today and don't feel so damn isolated.
I got some Hope!

Talked to the Ex yesterday for over an hour.
Good, peaceful comunication too.
She even owned some of her stuff, and we're meetin tomorrow for coffee.
Win, loose, or draw, and even if it's just to say goodbye for good.
It's OK. I want to do it with Peace, love, and compassion.

AND, as I was just writing this...................MY former Boss called.
Nice talk too! Yadda, yadda, yadda.................
I put in an application on a construction job and used him as a reference......................Got a good one too.

They asked him IF he would hire me back. He said absolutley! :D
Told him I WANTED to come back, and he said Not Today, BUT that's all up to you! :D :D :D

Sometimes, quickly, sometimes slowly, BUT they will materialize If we work for them.

Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Jul 09, 2009 11:25 pm

Relationships in Recovery

Postby GINA » Tue Jul 14, 2009 9:01 pm

What a topic and what a story!!

After 11 years of wondering... I got in touch with an Ex. Very scary for me, I wasn't sure how I would be received. Because of the ending of that relationship I knew "for me" that something was left undone--maybe we could have a friendship, or maybe just saying good-bye like adults.

I faced a lot of my own skeletons and made that call. By the grace of GOD, this program, and growing up on my part I have re-met an amazing man who for now is my friend. Maybe forever, or just for a while. But I thank GOD that I have my friend for now. He helps me sooooo much.

In sobriety GOD has placed people in my path, I truly believe I've learned from all of them. I am so thankful that today I can recognize that and accept that some folks aren't for keeps - I only get them in my life for a short time.

Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am

Postby GaryK » Thu Jul 16, 2009 3:53 pm

Hey Gina..............

Great to here it!
I guess it all takes time.

After spendin two days "In The Park" with the Ex, she decides she wants to go camping for a few days and have some US time............

Cool, I get all cranked up about it and off we go.
She starts the trip with some sarcasim..........about "How I'm going to act",
"It's Great your sober NOW, but remember what you did before".

Long story short.................3 days of shots, remarks, sarcasim, put downs, and and on.
Not all the time, but just to set the mood first thing in the morning, right around lunch time, and before turnin in at night.

I have made ammends to this woman, from a Sincere point in my heart!
Asked her forgivness, have damn near kissed her ass and then some. But she's still loaded for Bear and looks at anything I say as abuse. Sets me up with her verbal drip, drip, drip, chinesse oral tourcher, and then Whammo....................
I defend myself, and "SEE.....Your are an Abuser".

I just want to be happy, joyess, and Free.

The one good thing that turned out of this trip was I found a GREAT meeting in upstate NY, made some friends, and was safe for an hour.


Return to “Relationships in Recovery”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests