I am still pondering step 4. Why in the hell would I want to explore my f@#$%* up past and write about it? I read what Dallas wrote about it.
Also I am sick of hearing about HUMILITY. URGH!
Below are questions my sponsor gave me to answer - as you can read - the first one is from STEP 7??? I just wanted to share the craziest.
1. What is the difference between being humble and humiliated?
To be humble is to be not proud and to express in a spirit of submission or deference; not arrogant or assertive. Humiliation is to be reduced to a lower position in oneâ€™s eyes or others eyes. It is the quality or state of being humble, extremely destructive to oneâ€™s self-respect or dignity. Humiliation is embarrassment. I am very humble now. To me, I am humble because I have hit rock bottom (being kidnap to Collierville). Humble is to know I have done wrong & I do not want to go back there again. Humiliation is having my ass dragged out of here on a stretcher more times than I can count. Humiliation is to go to rehab 4 times and to know it did not work. Humiliation is having my parents catch me drinking for the fiftieth time or so. Humiliation is me going to work tipsy & having a confrontation about it with my boss. I am really tired of the humiliation. Now I accept to be humble. I accept I have a disease of alcoholism.
2. Have you decided what it will look like to turn your will and your lives over to the care of God as you understand Him?
Awesome & wonderful. I have a willingness not to drink.
I have a better belief in God and have a sense of duty with prayer. I want to pray and I need to talk to God. Sometimes my husband puts in his two cents. I am & can do more stuff that is worthwhile like reading, cooking & chores. I am not afraid of falling & not being able to get up. I am not afraid of people esp my parents finding my sash of alcohol. I am saving money without buying vodka. I am able to relax more. I am able to read & to watch tv until 2 am w/o falling asleepâ€¦..I do feel much better. I am not afraid to take a shower because I know the chances of me falling are 0%. Not drinking is liberatingâ€¦..it is freedom.
3. What was you troubles that disturbed you to the point you just said" ### it" and got drunk?
I really did not need an excuse. I just drank. The main triggers were the frustration w/ my job and my parents. On the weekends, I drank to sleep. It was a habit. I drank it like I am drinking mountain dew now â€“ all the time regardless. My rarents treat me like I am 12 yrs old. Now with my jobâ€¦.it was so overwhelming because my workload was piling up. There was a woman right outside my office door that did nothing except talk on the phone. I just got tired of it all. I do not know if I wouldâ€™ve quit if I was drinking or not otherwise.
4. The details of what you did are not important rather what was the thought process. Were you sad , happy , lonely etc.
It was a habit. The thought process was â€œI have it so I will drink.â€