Thanks for your post above. Made me remember how I got here. Something like the attitude you described. Kinda made me go off on a train of thought. I hope you don't mind.
Every time I go into the relgions I always find something that I can not accept. However I have learned to take what I need and leave the rest and stop fighting and arguing with people about it. That's a bit oh growth!
Stopping arguing is growth for you and me. By now I'm thoroughly convinced of my HP. Ain't no more arguing for me. But picking and choosing to build a God I like wasn't the answer.
I didn't find or build my HP. I could argue with religions, brilliant as I am
, but all my information didn't change God at all. Just blinded my spiritual eyes. Or at least fogged them over.
What happened to me was: I sat. I was through fighting. Asked Him to show me whatever of Himself I needed to know right now - nothing more, nothing less ... "Don't confuse me any more, God. I can do that myself. And don't hide. I'm looking now."
Not long after I had a knock-me-on-my-fanny experience I didn't expect. I was just looking for a quiet heart-to-heart conversation. Probably won't happen to anyone else that way. (Hell no, I ain't special - we had a lot of making up to do and I guess He figured I had a swift kick coming.) From then on it's been little glimpses here and there. And the little ones are HUGE.
NOW it's the quiet heart-to-hearts. And a lotta laughs. He's a RIOT! And real dam serious about me staying sober.
So this is my HP, not as I understand Him, but as much as I can understand Him, as much as He wants me to understand Him TODAY.
Relax and surrender is my suggestion.
As I stated above whomever is preparing this stuff is pretty right on in my books but they are missing some of the latest discoveries. I'm always always loop holes. I guess that is why it has taken me 18 years to accept and surrendor and allow you all and my sponsor to help me the best you can. Today my own personal experience is now enough.
No one is currently preparing this stuff. The BB was written in 1939 and with all of the current technology and knowledge it remains the only consistently proven method of recovering from the depravity of alcoholism.
The book is built from so many experiences of alcoholics of all kinds. My own experience is mine, but is so common (I'm in the book on every page) that my experience adds nothing to the wisdom in the Big Book or the millions of saved alkies before me.
Are you that different that adding to the BB will help you? How well did your own thinking work for you before? Still here trying to stop drinking with your loop holes? That was me.
You got it, brother, surrender
to your HP and to your sponsor and to the AA way is what's helping you. Do I detect reluctance still? Sounds like you might still have a little "Convince me - I dare you" left.
Or maybe "There's GOT to be something more to it." Nope. Quite that simple.
Didn't work for me either. But I tried. Giving up worked. No fight left in me. If there is I recognize it and banish it before HP has to kick my ass again.
And that's my strength now.
Well, gee ... I feel MUCH better now. Sorry to go on. You may not have needed that, but I did. Thanks for letting me reinforce my sobriety on ya. Love ya for it.