- My moment of clarity.

My moment of clarity.




Experiences along the way that bring us closer to our Higher Power

My moment of clarity.

Postby SomeCallMeTim » Mon Aug 10, 2009 10:18 am

I'm roughly 70 days clean/sober now.

"My name is Tim and i'm 10 days clean as i write this. I hope and pray somebody new will read this and will "get it" and not go thru what i had to. I was introduced to the program in late 1984 at the age of 18. After getting in trouble with the law i was forced into treatment. After treatment i was sent to a 1/2 way house. While there my sentencing came up and i was facing 40 years in Waupun prison. I got 90 days county time and 5 years probation. Basically i was scared straight at the time. I finished my aftercare and was on my way, or so i thought. I didn't realize it at the time but i was staying clean for all the wrong reasons and i paid for it. The 1st 5 years i stayed clean to avoid prison. Then to keep my family happy. Then not to disappoint all the friends i'd made in the program. Notice something missing there? I wasn't clean for me. I was clean for everyone around me. I very slowly drifted away from the program and meetings. I finally got to the point where i had convinced myself that i didn't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. I blamed it on being young, "Everyone i knew was doing the same thing, so how can it be a problem?" I finally quit going altogether. I didn't use right away, but most of the behavior and attitudes came back swiftly. I would use/drink a little and then stop and tell myself, "See, i can do this." Then, in 2002 i had the opportunity of a lifetime dropped into my lap. I was offered my very own business for very little investment. I thought i was set. Well, money, toys, material stuff, it wasn't making me "happy". I hid it well because i didn't want to admit i was wrong. The more i denied it, and God, the worse i was feeling. The worse i felt the heavier i used/drank. In 2007 i shut the doors on my business, friends, family and life. I pretty much stayed at home and progressively got more loaded as time went by. In June of 2009 i had to go a wedding for a niece of mine in another state. I had to drive my 75 year old mother there and back. I couldn't use/drink for 4 days. My niece and her mother (my sister) are born again christians so the wedding wasn't the party fest many weddings are. The whole weekend i was smiling and laughing on the outside, but inside i was like "How dare all you people be happy! I'm not, so you should be just as miserable as i am!" Also, the whole weekend i was feeling something well up inside me, a strange and uncomfortable feeling that kept growing and growing. By the time i got home i was a mess. I got up June 8th, 2009 and went to work. Hadn't really slept in 4-5 days. About 11 A.M. i told the boss i had to go, i wasn't feeling well. By the time i got home i was in complete breakdown mode (spiritual awakening). Hyperventilating, crying uncontrollably, my will had finally been totally broken. You know what that feeling welling up inside me was? GOD! As much as i had tried to deny him, push him away, ignore him, he wouldn't leave. He simply let me do my thing until i hit bottom so hard i simply couldn't function on the most basic level. When that happened he simply said to me. "You're ready now. No more pain, no more thoughts of just ending it, you have the tools so use them. Oh, and i love you, even if you hate yourself." As i sat in my chair crying and trying to breathe i made a life changing decision. Instead if picking up a beer or drugs, i picked up the phone. That phone was so heavy i didn't think i could do it. I had 2 numbers in my phone for people i knew were in the program. The man i called was there in about 15 minutes. We sat and talked it out and i've been to a meeting everyday since and have no plans on slowing down. The Big Book calls this disease cunning. This is NO LIE!!! It sat and waited patiently for me to take my will back and then pounced. It tried everything it could to kill me, make me miserable, keep me alone. An addict/alcoholics worst enemy is him/herself. This is no joke and not cliche. It's FACT! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope you all got something out of it.

Tim S"
SomeCallMeTim
 
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Location: Bloomington MN.

Postby DebbieV » Mon Aug 10, 2009 10:56 am

Hi Tim S,

Welcome to the forum.

I got up and got me a cup of coffee this morning and sat in front of the computer to read what I had missed this weekend of the site and came across your post.

As I was reading it I pictured myself in a little apartment with all white walls in Fort Smith, Arkansas where I got sober. Sitting there scared, in pain, loosing my mind and feeling hope for the first time, trying to get and stay sober. You told how I was feeling better than I could have. I have been there Tim, I have been there 10 days clean and sober after years of trying the wrong things and feeling God for the first time tell me he loves me even if I hate me.

I sit here today with a just over a year sober (and clean) and I am truly blessed. I did get sober for the right reasons, I do feel the love of God and the love of myself and I do not ever want to forget for a second what you reminded me of this morning. THANK YOU!



I look forward to many more of your post.



Debbie
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Postby Dallas » Mon Aug 10, 2009 6:25 pm

Welcome to the site Tim! Keep coming back!

Dallas
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Postby ccs » Mon Aug 10, 2009 11:01 pm

hey Tim welcome to the site hope to hear (read) more from you
thank you so much for sharing some of your journey with us seems like you and I may have used the same travel agent once or twice :lol:

please keep coming back cause I need to read what you have to write :wink:

Your Sister in Sobriety :D

LUV-2-All Cessie
ccs
 
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Postby Dallas » Tue Aug 11, 2009 6:45 am

Did you ever notice how man Tim's are alcoholic?

I wonder what that's all about? :lol:

Dallas
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Postby Tim » Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:47 pm

Dallas wrote:Did you ever notice how man Tim's are alcoholic?
I wonder what that's all about? :lol:
Dallas


It does seem proportionally higher than the number of Tims in the general population. Maybe you're on to something there, Dallas. Sounds like a good academic research project for someone.

God Bless Us Every One! Tiny Tim
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Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 12, 2009 1:18 am

Well, if it's anything like God, the first Step or resentments... we can probably get at least 250k miles of theory traffic on it! :lol: :lol:

Cash for clunkers and dollars for dunkers... we'll sit around and think until we all become skunkers!!! :lol: :lol:

Hey? Think the gov might have a skunker bail-out or stimulus package for us? :lol: :lol:

Everytime I hear stimulus package (I can't even spell it, I don't think)... I think about those tv commercials for that Exstenze or something... then that fruity tooty free credit report guys come on singing and it makes me want to through a bottle at them!!! I hate those guys singing that song. Really nerves me up when I can't get the tv muted in time! :lol: :lol:

They can kiss my free credit report all the way to the post office and back and I'll never get one from them!

Maybe a Tim can set me straight on it!!!

Really, though... I do wonder what's up with that. What's in a name? :wink:

Dallas
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Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 12, 2009 1:23 am

Now, you got me thinking, dang it. I hate when one of those obbsessions comes on! Does anybody know how many disciples Jesus had that were named Tim? Was there more than one? If there was... maybe I am on to something with this!!! :lol:

Dallas
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Postby angel143 » Wed Aug 12, 2009 8:36 am

Dallas wrote:Everytime I hear stimulus package (I can't even spell it, I don't think)... I think about those tv commercials for that Exstenze or something... then that fruity tooty free credit report guys come on singing and it makes me want to through a bottle at them!!! I hate those guys singing that song. Really nerves me up when I can't get the tv muted in time! :lol: :lol:


Those Extenze commercials are annoying...I dont wanna hear my kids giggle about that when they see those....Then have to answer all the questions that follow!!! :shock:

So would this bother you "freecreditreport.com" (that was internet typing version of singing! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: (sorry, you know im just playing! love ya)

They bother me too!:evil:

FYI...the credit reports arent free.

Gospel of Luke 10:1-24 says that there were 70 Disciples. Of them the name Timothy appears once, but there was a name, Timon, and the meanings of the 2 names are the same (according to what I read), so I suppose that would make 2.

Now, the only Tims I have met that are alcoholics are on here...So, not many...the name I come across a lot is Matt....and thats not just since I got sober...that just seems to be with anyone named matt that I have met. Im trying to think (you all know that it hurts my brain when I do that :lol: ) if there has been any that I have met that hasnt been.... hmmmm

Anyhoo...just an observation...

Heather
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Postby Tim » Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:32 pm

Dallas wrote:Now, you got me thinking, dang it. I hate when one of those obbsessions comes on! Does anybody know how many disciples Jesus had that were named Tim? Was there more than one? If there was... maybe I am on to something with this!!! :lol: Dallas


There was a disciple of Jesus (not one of the original 12) named Timothy, who was advised by his spiritual sponsor Paul to drink wine for his stomach ailments. Who knows if he was well- or ill-advised.

I know that this Tim fits the definition of an alcoholic given in the Big Book on page 44: "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."
Tim
 
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