- making amends (when they find you)

making amends (when they find you)




Discussions related to 12 Step Recovery and Treatment

making amends (when they find you)

Postby ccs » Sun Oct 04, 2009 6:17 pm

when I first took the steps and we (Me&My Sponsor) got to step 9 you know how there are some people that you lose touch with they run off or we run off never to be seen again :D ( some pass away before we get sober ) any way It was suggested to me to write Letters to them and for the ones that had not passed away to always be WILLING to make the amends

Well there was one letter that I wrote to a person that I thought I would never see or hear from again we lived together for 9 yrs and havent been in touch for 15 yrs I didnt know where he was (I did try to find him to make an amends)

so in june I got a card in the mail from him WOW! I was freaked out he searched for me online and found my address :shock: wanted to know how I am and if we could re open a line of communication
at first I didnt know what to do then I remembered something I was told like I said above to remain WILLING and when you do that sometimes GOD will find a way to put some of these people in front of us so that we can make amends to them

So I was thinking that GOD put him back in my life :? and then a friend reminded me that not everything comes from GOD but I also know that if it isnt from GOD HE walk me through it ( I need the wisdom to know the difference :D )

so we talked on the phone cuz he is 1500 miles away and that is a blessing!

he wanted to get in touch with me cuz of His guilt&remorse (yes he`s one of us but he doesnt know it yet)
I told him that I wanted to get in touch with him aswell to make amends for the things that I did in our relationship

I told him about my recovery and MY GOD and that he could have that too but of course he aint buyin it

so now he thinks its all his fault that I got "that bad" :roll:
he doesnt seem to remember what I was like when we where together
and I can always tell in his emails if hes drinking or using by what he says

he says he accepts my amends but that it was all his fault (of course it wasnt we all know that) asks if Ican forgive him I said I forgive you but you have to forgive yourself and admitt it was not all your fault that I had a big part in it too
so now we commuicate mostly thru email and I feel compelled to try to help him as far as him getting the help that he doesnt think he needs (mmm)

but now he just feels more remorse cuz he really believes it is his fault for what I had become after we split up and I cant convince him otherwise (thats where I thought that sharing some of my story with him would help ya know one drunk to another ) it backfired!!!!!

I just want to be his friend someone he can talk to he is an isolater and I can totally relate to that

and I dont want to lead him on cuz there is nothing romantic left here at all
at least for me and I try to let him know that right up front

last weekend he calls me 4 times wasted :shock: :D I told him I do not want him to call me when he is like that so I dont answer the phone next day he blows up my email page bout why I dont want to talk :roll:

I send him back one saying NO DRINKING AND TYPING :lol:

then I get another one why dont I reply to his emails so Ireplyed to all of them each one with a different piece of our literature :D

I know I cant change the way he thinks and I know not to try to mess with his bottom I know he has to hit his own even though I know all this I still want to help him find what I have :? I feel like I still have some amending to do with him? cuz I was really mean to him in the past

any one out there understand??? or been here before :?:
LUV-2-ALL your Sister in Sobriety Cess

to those of you that are still reading this :D thanks for taking the time to
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Postby Dallas » Mon Oct 05, 2009 6:00 am

You've made your amends to him and you need to move on in regards to feeling guilt or second-guessing yourself. He just didn't accept your amends.

There was more than one reason that you guys split up. You've changed -- but, he hasn't. And, most likely -- he wont. Nothing against him intended. It's just how it works. :lol:

I understand. Been there done that. I rarely answer their calls because I already know what the conversation will be before I answer. Some things -- well... they never change. :wink:

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Postby DiggerinVA » Mon Oct 05, 2009 4:15 pm

Those conversations with an ex will fortunately not happen for me.

I do have an old friend who sounds very similar. I was starting to write a letter to him and trying to guess who would have his address when he called at 2:00AM around Thanksgiving. He and I cleared the air though it remains to be seen if he will keep up his offer.

He is getting very lonely do to his addiction. And talking to him on the phone trashed can be an exercise in futility.

He has offered to fly me down for a weekend, once he even offered me a job. My response was I did not want to go down there to watch a friend die. The stuff is no longer working. His trip to AA just made him angry. But he is getting close. I may see him Wed if he comes up to VA for a concert; he has plane tickets and tickets for the show. It could be a very interesting night. His 1st wife I'm sure will be there.

I realize there is no advise there. Except that others have similar situations.
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Postby ccs » Mon Oct 05, 2009 11:13 pm

Yeah right some things never change !!
like when I said I emailed him some of our literature his response was ("some men just cant be reached") how true that is

Thanks Dallas & Digger for your reply`s
I do respect my bro`s words :wink:

luv you guy`s Cess
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Postby Dallas » Tue Oct 06, 2009 5:09 pm

Sometimes... it can be good to "act as if."

You know, like "act as if they didn't find you -- they found someone else, and you'll pass their number on to who they were looking for... if you ever see them." :lol: :lol:

Keeping it simple. :wink:
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Postby Ranman99 » Tue Oct 06, 2009 10:09 pm

Good stuff. I have had a similar experience with an amends I made earlier this year. She was a blast from my blasted past and we had a good chat. She did accept my amends and only requested I clear something up with someone that was amiss from way back then and I sent a letter as that person is one of the few that don't want to respond.

I have been willing and I have done my bit and I will wait for what the universe does with it next.

Back to the ex girlfriend towards the end of our chat she slipped into her mode that she used to have with me. It was weird this kinda co-dependant mode that was crying out for help and she was drinking at the time I later gathered.

I sent her a note in response to her "do you think God is punishing me" line of questions and that's the last we have communicated. I just said another prayer for her now while I'm on the topic and hope she can get everything in this life that I would want for myself but there is a damn good reason we are on opposite sides of the planet :wink:
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