Sometimes, I'll be sitting around and catch myself thinking about Bill W. and, what it must have been like for him in the beginning. He couldn't work. His wife was supporting him. Things got tough and they lost their place to live so they lived with friends moving around from house to house. Bill had been used to being a high-flying high-roller. Successful in making a lot of money. And, after he obtained sobriety -- he was still beat and still couldnt hold a job. I understand that. I understand what it's like to be a "has been"... that has a feeling that "I'm an over with"... and that if I try to be successful again... I'll just end up on another binge.
I wasn't one of those 90 day wonders... that came in, stopped drinking, went to 90 days, and then grabbed back on to the rocket of success in putting my life together.
For me, it took some time to be able to finish a sentence... without a drink. And, I had this tremendous fear -- that if I tried to be successful again -- I'd end up drunk again. I believe that was my case. It was the truth. I needed time to recover. I needed time to stay out of the fast lanes of life. I needed time to learn how to stay sober for a couple of 24 hours at a time. It didn't come easy for me. I understand about being grateful for a mop.
Even, when it was someone elses mop... and their floor... and I was grateful to clean it for them, so that I wouldn't feel so guilty about sleeping on a sofa in their garage... hoping that someday I might be able to have my own mop.