Good morning from sunny/cold Britain.
I came into recovery in way that i can only call GOD given.
I had been drinking for many years or should i say drunking for many years !
I am from London, England born to family with Mother, Father and three brothers. Sitting at the dinner table feeling like i should not be there, these people are not my family, they must have picked up the wrong child at the hospital when i was born. Feeling different was normal to me, i spent a lot of time on my own, i liked my own company.
Then came the day when i was to do something that would change my whole life forever, in so many ways. I took that first drink and boy it did everything i could not do for myself. I suddenly fitted in with people and situations that used to baffle me. I got drunk regularly, well that is the point of drinking isn't it !
I got in with a bunch of bikers and thought to myself -I HAD ARRIVED.
That was until one of the group of hairy tattood bikers said at 9pm
" Wow is that the time, i must get going , i want to put the kids to bed"
" Got to go , work in the morning "
Slowly, slowly they began to leave and i was on my own again
That was how it was to be for a long time.
I managed to meet a lovely lady who i was to marry years later. When we first met i had to hold on to the wall to steady myself and close one eye because there were 3 of her floating around, in my blurred vision. How she ever had the thought That this was the man for her i will never comprehend, especially as she was from California , and her family rarely drank.
Heavy drinking continued for many years, then we got married and i was so drunk on wedding night that stubbed ciggarette ends into our newly fitted carpets and passed out on the floor of our living room.
I got promoted at work , and more and more i got the feeling that i was a phony and would get found out soon.
My son came along and i lost All control ( of what little i had left ) of my consumption of alcohol. Drinking in the morning just to cope, waking in wee small hours and opening cans of beer.
When my son was born i remember not feeling anything. The nurses handed me this tiny miracle of life, and i felt nothing. Emotionally bankrupt.
Trips to hospital , psychotic episodes were becoming the norm.
After totally demolishing my kitchen one day i finally asked for help. Icalled my mother in law and said that i was having a bad day could she help. She turned up saw the kitchen and told me to clean it up. 20 mins later found me standing in the kitchen staring out the window gripping handfuls of broken glass so tightly that blood was dripping down my legs on the floor.
My wife came home to find me trying to throw things through the TV set. She called the police and 12 police officers rushed into my house to find me sitting on the couch rocking backwards and forwards crying.
Denial kept them from knowing what the real problem was , but then i didn't know either.
A week later found me passed out in the garage and when asked by my wife, " Are you OK "?
I replied " I think i have a drinking problem "
Right then and there is when God stepped in showed me to a neighbours house. I knew this couple to say hello to but not much else. This lady worked at one of the local hopitals and my thinking was that she might know of some help i could get.
When we knocked on her door and told of my problem with alcohol she quickly said " Would you like to talk to my husband "?
" Why "? i said
" He is 11 years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous "
That man is now my sponsor and has been for the past 3 and a half years. He explained that i was suffering from an allergy to alcohol and an obsession of the mind.
That made sense to me , because that was the way i drank, when i started i had little control of how much i drank and i wasn't drinking i was thinking about drinking.
I went to meetings eveyday got service and eventually got grateful. I have not had to pick a drink from my first AA meeting. When my sponsor gave me a 24 hr token , i cried.
Slowly, slowly i have gone through the steps.
What i have now is peace of mind.
I am able to be a father, husband, Brother, son.
All things that i thought i would never get.
I love being sober.
When i drank that was all i could do, now it is the ONLY thing i can't do.
Not only do i have peace of mind my wife does too, and my son, well he isn't frightened of me any more. When i say i am going to be somewhere then that is where i am.
The first three steps were put to me so plainly:
1. I CAN'T
2. HE CAN ( GOD )
3. I THINK I'LL LET HIM
I now live a life beyond my wildest dreams. When i first heard that i couldn't even think of the future let alone dreams. Then someone in the fellowship said to me'
" When you were in the black pit of despair and there was no way out , could you ever have imagined the life you are living today "?
The man who is my sponsor jumped in that black pit , held my hand and said " I have been before and i know the way "
I thank GOD for AA
And i thank AA for GOD.
Thank you and God bless you all !