Thanks for sharing. I used to have many of the same thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and conditions and experiences, that you've shared.
Today -- most of those are gone, most of the time, and some of the problems I face today... I consider greater than the problems I experienced then.
However, I discovered that life... really is worth living, because "my feelings are not facts"... my feelings are a result of what I think my facts are... and, I'm always learning that my facts... are different than what I think they are when I think they are!
I also discovered that there really is some truth in "this too shall pass." Because "whatever THIS is"... it will be different later on. It won't always be better, it won't always be worse, it may be the same, but... it also might be better!"
One thing that helped me a lot was a book that I bought and read when I was newly sober. The title is: "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns, M.D.
I credit that book and it's author with helping me just as much as the Big Book and AA helped me. Without one or the other -- I don't believe I would be here today.... and definitely wouldn't be living and enjoying my life, that I feel is good. The book helped changed many of the things that I thought in regards to how I thought about things. And, as a result of changing my thoughts, it changed my feelings, and changed my life.
Rather than thinking about "just keep coming back"... make a decision "to just not leave!" Your answers will come. You'll become aware of the things that can't change -- and you'll learn about some things that you can change... and your life will get better.
Sometimes, Life is just a bitch to live. But, fortunately... it's only "sometimes"... it's not "ALL the times." Surely, if you think long and hard enough... you'll be able to come up with a huge list of the "times" that were great! And, when you compare that list with a list of "times that sucked"... I think the facts will prove... that you've had more "good times" than you had "bad times."
And, the fact is: If you've had a good time in the past... somewhere down the road you'll have another one!
I appreciate you. Thanks for being here and thanks for sharing.