Just need to rant

[QSrqFL]

It's been a while since I have been here. I just need to rant or just piss and moan which ever fits. Sometimes I just can't take it anymore. Life one day seems great then the next day it's just plain ###. When I was drinking it seem to just disappear untill something or someone brought the situation I was running away from up or back to light. In life I try not to hate or even use the word hate but since I have been sober going on 11 months here I find myself hateing and it sickens me. Like doctors sometimes I think they are just full of #### and really just don't care about the person and the problem at hand. I believe it's all about the money. I guess I should give a little background here on this one. I got hurt about six years ago. I was working a great job a job that I saw myself doing very well and having a great life, but after getting hurt my life has pretty much gone down hill. The doctors could not figure out what was wrong but at the same time didn't really try in my eyes cause after a few years of getting tests that should have been done right away. Finally they conclude that I have a tear in my L5-S1 area disk. surgery is what is needed to hopefully get better but has that happen yet no and thats due to the other group called Workmens Comp which again I HATE yes i capitolized it because all they do is deny everything and doctors can't get anything done which then pisses of the doctors who then instead of bitching at Workers Comp they Bitch at me causeing me more stress. Then turn around and tell me I have to stay away from stressful things Places and people ummm hello WTF! So know what have they created was a person getting addicted to painkillers of which without them I would not be able to function at all due to the pain I am in 24hrs a day 7 days a week 365 day a year for the last almost 7 years now. Somedays it seems like the doctors and worker comp are getting things done but then it turns out that I am just foolling myself into believeing in hope. Sure I have a lawyer of course they are taking 33.3% of everything in order too help me get my back fixed but when I look back on everything I am doing most of the darn work and getting nothing in return which really sucks. I don't know how many times I have prayed about it and said ok I let go it is in your hands, But how long do I of to wait to be normal and able to work and make a living. This injury has effected everything in my life. I can't even get into a relationship because one what woman in her right mind go out with a guy that can't support her or even just take her out to a movie or dinner. Oh lets not forget the fact that I am in my late 30's and live at home with mommy. I feel like such a loser and HATE myself more and more. I truly try to be positive but it's like as soon as I do something or someone has to come and pop my balloon. Why is it so hard to just be normal? Why can't god if there is such just make it just a little bit easier? I am not asking for much here just for my back to get fixed to the point where I can go back to work make enough money to have a life so I can have someone in my life. Am I one of thoses that is just not deserveing of that. They say He (god) has a plan for everyone. So I ask What is mine? If it is to be like it is now I don't want it and he can take me anytime. Well there is more but I have bored ya'll enough already besides my head is hurting just from thinking about it all

Thanks for listening or reading
QSrqFL

[ccs]

HI Q thanks for sharing I can relate to the back injury and the pain
but not all the red tape of workerscomp I`m sorry for your struggles but you did say your sober so thats a big plus and if the injury was not your fault why hate yourself for circumstances beyond your control

and I know you dont want to hear this but HE (GOD) is in control
how are you and your sponsor doing on taking the steps because that is the way to relieve our resentments and get us into a closer relationship with GOD to help us to look at things in a different light and keep us sober

hey atleast your sober you have a home you have a Mom who is still living and is with you I`ve always heard that when your feeling bad about what you dont have to focus on what you do have

and if someone can stay sober throught all that pain and stress that you have right now then to me that is amazing you are an inspiration to me and probably are to others that you dont even know about GOD uses us in ways we can never imagine or figure out

so Ide like to say thanks for inspiring & helping me today

you will be in my thoughts and Prayers
please keep coming back and inspiring & sharing

Your Sister in Sobriety Cessie
Im` here if I can help in anyway

[Dallas]

I understand!

Thanks for sharing. I used to have many of the same thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and conditions and experiences, that you've shared.

Today -- most of those are gone, most of the time, and some of the problems I face today... I consider greater than the problems I experienced then.

However, I discovered that life... really is worth living, because "my feelings are not facts"... my feelings are a result of what I think my facts are... and, I'm always learning that my facts... are different than what I think they are when I think they are!

I also discovered that there really is some truth in "this too shall pass." Because "whatever THIS is"... it will be different later on. It won't always be better, it won't always be worse, it may be the same, but... it also might be better!"

One thing that helped me a lot was a book that I bought and read when I was newly sober. The title is: "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns, M.D.

I credit that book and it's author with helping me just as much as the Big Book and AA helped me. Without one or the other -- I don't believe I would be here today.... and definitely wouldn't be living and enjoying my life, that I feel is good. The book helped changed many of the things that I thought in regards to how I thought about things. And, as a result of changing my thoughts, it changed my feelings, and changed my life.

Rather than thinking about "just keep coming back"... make a decision "to just not leave!" Your answers will come. You'll become aware of the things that can't change -- and you'll learn about some things that you can change... and your life will get better.

Sometimes, Life is just a bitch to live. But, fortunately... it's only "sometimes"... it's not "ALL the times." Surely, if you think long and hard enough... you'll be able to come up with a huge list of the "times" that were great! And, when you compare that list with a list of "times that sucked"... I think the facts will prove... that you've had more "good times" than you had "bad times."

And, the fact is: If you've had a good time in the past... somewhere down the road you'll have another one!

I appreciate you. Thanks for being here and thanks for sharing.

Dallas

[Dallas]

One more thought: I've also discovered another fact about my life and my living and my problems.

That fact is this: "Within each problem or adversity... there is a seed of an equivalent or greater benefit."

The seed is there. You have to look for it to find it. And, once you find it, you have to plant it, and nurture it, and water it... and it will grow to something greater than you can ever imagine!"

Dallas

[GeoffS]

One more thought: I've also discovered another fact about my life and my living and my problems.

That fact is this: "Within each problem or adversity... there is a seed of an equivalent or greater benefit."

The seed is there. You have to look for it to find it. And, once you find it, you have to plant it, and nurture it, and water it... and it will grow to something greater than you can ever imagine!"

Dallas

Father Ed Dowling wrote about learning to appreciate and even enjoy suffering. I'll dig it out and put the ideas on the site somewhere if anyone is interested.

[Dallas]

I know it sounds nuts... But, I do thank God, that I wasn't spared from all the pain and suffering and misery and terror that I experienced. Without it -- it would have never moved me enough to have to find a solution or be doomed to die an alcoholic death. So, I am grateful for my pain and suffering. Not grateful enough to want to do it again that way, though!

I refer to it as my "Inspirational Disatisfaction!" The disatisfaction was inspirational, producing a drive, and energy, and a necessity to change.

When I first got sober I thought the only thing in life I might ever get was another 24 hours of painful, miserable, hurting, suffering day of physical sobriety. I had no clue... that if I took the certain actions "for me to stay physically sober for another 24 hours of painful sobriety" (The 12 Steps)... I would end up with a life that is unimaginably better than anything I could ever imagine for myself!

Dallas

[ROBERT]

Right on big D- Thanking the pain sounded insane when I first came around, hell I was trying to avoid more of it coming around!! Today Its like this, I wouldn't want to go thru it again, but I wouldn't change a thing!!