- I Just Don't Know How To or Tell My Sponsee What To Do ?

I Just Don't Know How To or Tell My Sponsee What To Do ?




Discussions related to Sponsors, Sponsoring, Working with others,

I Just Don't Know How To or Tell My Sponsee What To Do ?

Postby schooner » Mon Jun 09, 2008 2:53 am

Hi Guys/Gals

A fellow asks me to sponsor him right after a meeting. That takes lot of nerve. So I said YES.

He's got 6yrs. sober (dry)

We got lots & lots I.D. together.

" i " and GOD got him thru the 4th step. However, he's in this on again off again relationship for 4yrs. She in Alonon and has 3 children.

They broke-up again and I told him to let her go. No e-mails No phone calls. Low and behold he e-mail her and phoned her too.

She doesn't want anything to do with him. That was on: June 7th, '08

I can't let him go YET.
i'VE been in the same place he's in now for a number of yrs. in sobriety too. And I didn't drink ONLY BE THE LOVELY GRACE OF JESUS CHRIST.

I'm in my 31yr. of sobriety (Thank YOU LORD & A.A.)

My sponsee is suffering like a dog with this no go relationship. I told him everytime he's eating a crapy sandwich; he's the one that ordered it. And when the waiter of life comes to your table you GOT TO PAY THE BILL (IN PAIN YOU PAY)

He know he's doing the wrong thing and I know he's NOT JERKING me around.

I tell him to PRAY and SURRENDER. He wants too, however he goes weak.
I just don't know what else I can tell him.

Do I leave him in pain. I know I CAN'T FIX HIM. However, its meeting we go and I gave him a great little book by: ANDREW MURRAY callled
' COMPLETE SURRENDER ' It turly is a great read. GOD willing I pray it can open-up his eyes.

ANY SUGGESTION GUYS/GALS PLEASE.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL

Schooner 8) [/b]
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Postby GeoffS » Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:08 pm

Sounds to me like he has to keep researching this one until he's convinced to surrender. He has to get sufficient pain to reach he point.

I guess all you can do is keep encouraging him to take your suggestions, remain firm and constant, keep being there until he decides to move on.

The other side though is to keep him practising his program really hard to ensure he maintains his spiritual fitness through a tricky time.
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:53 pm

What if.... you replaced the word relationship... with alcohol?

Any similarity in the behavior???

"I can deal with it this time"

"I can control it -- this time."

"This time, it will be different -- and, here's how..."

"Just one small (you fill in the blank here) .... that's all I'll do this time."

My experience has been -- when I try to be their relationship counselor we both end up in hot water. So, I tell them that if they want relationship counselling -- to seek a professional.

I can help them with thier sobriety. I can let them know why I had to make my sobriety #1 in my life, above everything else.

I learned the importance of being sponsored -- when I tried to be a sponsor. In my experience with sobriety -- I'm passing on my experience. I'm passing on what was passed on to me, usually in the way that it was passed on to me, because that's how I learned it.

If my recovery is right... my relationships will be right.

When I focus on my sobriety and my recovery as #1 in my life --- everything else will work itself out for the highest good of all concerned.

When I place something else in front of my sobriety -- my experience has been that I'll lose it all. And, nothing will work out -- especially in regards to the highest good of all concerned.

Dallas
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Postby Susan » Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:12 am

That is why they call it THE LOVE SICK BLUES!!! It has been sickening hot here, and the two women I sponsor drank all weekend. One went to jail and the other to the psych floor. I have found with women the Love Addiction and myself needed a touch of professional help. I had been sober about seven years and all of the sudden I would get stupid in a certain neighborhood. Another root to this is FEAR I will not be loved. Here is a place to visit laarecovery.proboards99.com There is a lot of great information and an active forum. :D
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Postby garden variety » Fri Jun 13, 2008 3:00 pm

Hiya Schooner,

I'm with Dallas all the way on your protege's problem.

I heard this once somewhere, and it is right there with what Dallas said: "Lead by example, not by design."

I believe if you check in with your Lord, you might find something similar in the way he "sponsors" his proteges'. Your Lord said it this way: "Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven."

For me it's true - I know that the words I say are not near as meaningful to anyone as the footsteps I take. It's the actions I take that make the difference. Each day, at almost every place in my life, I know there are others who watch me. I know how hard it is to sometimes do things that are really "charitable" just because I know it's the right thing to do. I'm usually asking "what's in this for me" or "why doesn't that fellow just act like I want him to act." But those are only my thoughts - "thinking" inspired by selfishness - they aren't the thoughts of a Higher Power.

If I act on those selfish thoughts, then my "result is nil" wherever that is. It's easy enough for me to see where I'm not making progress - it's in those places where I'm not surrendered, or I'm holding onto old ideas. But like the other fellow in this discussion said, for an alcoholic like me, I have to be in so much pain that it's unbearable. Then the miracle of willingness happens. Even my willingness is inspired by selfishness. It just hurts too much for me - as it's said in the rooms around here, when the alcoholic starts "paying the price" for his self-centered actions, then he becomes willing to change. Sad state of affairs, huh? Such is the "real alcoholic" of the "100% hopeless" variety.

But the joy and magic of the program is just like Dallas said, one alcoholic helping another alcoholic to "achieve sobriety". Your man isn't given a sane, sober, and happy life like a big piano falling out of the sky. Your man is given Grace and Mercy. That's how a "loving God" meets me at first. Love is attracted to love. But I have no love to give if I'm living the self-centered life of an alcoholic without a solution to alcoholism. I have nothing but bad, or you might say "evil" to offer. Well that's what Grace is there for. It's to meet me right where I am - just as I am. God's Grace transforms everything bad inside me into something good to give away to another alcoholic.

When I'm transformed by Grace, that's when Love can find love inside me. When Love finds me, Love "inspires" me to take actions that flow from a loving God who is connected to me at the deepest part within me - it's only there that He can be found like the book says. I get to take actions that outwardly express the "mind" of a "loving God". But I can't do anything with Grace unless I work the steps, read the book, and hang around with fellows that will keep me focused on staying sober by helping others through "self-sacrifice". Fellows that I can watch taking the right actions - watching their "light so shine before men" that I come to believe that this Power can transform me in the same way. That's the best way I learn to take actions that increase and improve my spiritual progress.

Your man is in the process of "achieving sobriety" with your help. You are not "powerless" over him, or anyone else. You and me have the gift and ability to "influence". You and me willingly give away what God gives us while others are watching - and we get the "byproduct" of happiness. It's all related to our actions. If your man watches you doing what you do best, which would be helping another alcoholic and "practicing these principles" in all your affairs, eventually he will either want what you have and be willing to go to any lengths to get it, or he'll get drunk because Sobriety Lost It's Priority (SLIP)!

Well sorry for preaching a sermon, my friend. I'm sure you're helping your man pretty good without my chatter. Anyway, his gift will come when he wants it enough to be willing. As long as you're there "shining your light" the way your God suggests you do - and not looking to find or accept credit for doing the good that flows through you - your man may just want the same thing you have and be willing to follow these few simple rules and use the toolkit laid at his feet.

Good luck and may God bless you Schooner. And thank you for helping me today...
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Postby Silverbullet » Mon Dec 14, 2009 2:57 pm

I don't tell the people I work with what to do, I'm no longer the Director, but I can strongly suggest.
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Re: I Just Don't Know How To or Tell My Sponsee What To Do ?

Postby in the here and now » Tue Mar 30, 2010 6:51 am

schooner wrote:Hi Guys/Gals

A fellow asks me to sponsor him right after a meeting. That takes lot of nerve. So I said YES.

He's got 6yrs. sober (dry)

We got lots & lots I.D. together.

" i " and GOD got him thru the 4th step. However, he's in this on again off again relationship for 4yrs. She in Alonon and has 3 children.

They broke-up again and I told him to let her go. No e-mails No phone calls. Low and behold he e-mail her and phoned her too.

She doesn't want anything to do with him. That was on: June 7th, '08

I can't let him go YET.
i'VE been in the same place he's in now for a number of yrs. in sobriety too. And I didn't drink ONLY BE THE LOVELY GRACE OF JESUS CHRIST.

I'm in my 31yr. of sobriety (Thank YOU LORD & A.A.)

My sponsee is suffering like a dog with this no go relationship. I told him everytime he's eating a crapy sandwich; he's the one that ordered it. And when the waiter of life comes to your table you GOT TO PAY THE BILL (IN PAIN YOU PAY)

He know he's doing the wrong thing and I know he's NOT JERKING me around.

I tell him to PRAY and SURRENDER. He wants too, however he goes weak.
I just don't know what else I can tell him.

Do I leave him in pain. I know I CAN'T FIX HIM. However, its meeting we go and I gave him a great little book by: ANDREW MURRAY callled
' COMPLETE SURRENDER ' It turly is a great read. GOD willing I pray it can open-up his eyes.

ANY SUGGESTION GUYS/GALS PLEASE.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL

Schooner 8) [/b]



not much ego deflation here - you can't take away his hurt/pain
he can't get well in your time frame
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Postby Silverbullet » Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:49 am

As said before, I can only give "much practical advice" and that's it. If you're staying sober, it's working. As also mentioned before, we carry the message, not the alcoholic.

Good luck,

Jack
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Postby Dallas » Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:44 pm

I needed a Director. Someone that could give me directions to follow. Left to my own devices, and taking suggestions didn't work for me. And, whenever I asked God what to do -- it seemed like the answers I got were the same thing as me talking to me.

Some of us are different. We don't have it all together when we get here and what we've got keeps us from achieving and maintaining sobriety.

So, my hat is off to the Sponsors, that have the ability to lead.

Dallas
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Direct or not

Postby PinkCloud3 » Sat Jun 26, 2010 9:17 pm

I tried the suggestion route; call me if you need me or just to say hi. Then I tried the more specific suggestions; call me every day. Neither work. I'm sponsoring a chronic relapser. I'm probably her umpteenth sponsor. Any suggestions for me? I wanted sobriety and I worked with my sponsor. I read the BB and 12&12 and other publications. I have taken the steps and am 2 years sober. I'm telling my sponsee what I did but she isn't buying it.
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