HONESTY WITH NEWCOMERS

[Dallas]

HONESTY WITH NEWCOMERS

Daily Reflections: December 18, 2009

Tell him exactly what happen to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely.
Alcoholics Anonymous Page 93

The marvel of A.A. is that I tell only what happen to me. I don’t waste time offering advice to potential newcomers, for if advice worked, nobody would get to A.A. All I have to do is show what has brought me sobriety and what has changed my life. If I fail to stress the spiritual feature of A.A.’s program, I am being dishonest. The newcomer should not be given a false impression of sobriety. I am sober only through the grace of my Higher Power, and that makes it possible for me to share with others.

~ from the book, Daily Reflections

[GeoffS]

Was only just sharing this with a newcomer about 1 hour ago.

Step 2 strikes me between the eyes again!!!

Thank you for that.

[Dallas]

I understand.

[knny913]

Hi Dallas and GeoffS,
Great topic!
The best thing I can do for a newcomer is to make him feel comfortable and wanted. I usually ask them about themselves, then I sit back and listen, nobody likes to talk more about themselves than drunks.
So I listen. I find that the best thing I can do is show them tolerence, I'm not very good with words, and I feel it was my actions that got me, and keeps me sober.
Kenny

[Dallas]

Thanks Kenny! Another Step 2 moment for me, again, also! (Hopefully, I'll keep up with GeoffS) !

Your sharing coincides with what I think the most valuable thing that I have to offer is: "to listen."

I understand when a newcomer will think and feel "what can I do? I'm so confused that I don't know what to do or what to say to help anyone?" I said and felt that, too, when I was new!

So, I ask them: "What do you think was the most valuable thing that someone in AA did for you, when you first came in?" Nearly always, after they think about it, the answers will be:

a. Someone seemed to go out of their way to make me feel welcome.
b. Someone seemed to be interested in what I had to say.
c. Someone was willing to listen to me.

Then, I ask them, "Well can you do that for someone else?"

Can you be kind or try to "act as if" your nice to them?
Can you at least "act as if" you're glad they are there?
Can you at least "act as if" you are interested in listening to them talk about themselves -- and actually "try" to listen while they talk?

They seem to always answer with "Oh, sure, I can do that! But...."

Butt!

I believe the most valuable and important way that I can help someone else, is not to be able to tell them something profound, or something that they don't already know... The most valuable thing I can do to help them, is to be nice to them. Try to go out of my way to help them feel comfortable and welcome. And, to listen to them!

It's something that is so simple to do, that each and every one of us can do it and become quite good at it with a little bit of effort -- regardless of how new we are, or how old we are!

Dallas

[knny913]

Great Repy Dallas,
Your words and writings are always very enlightening.
The way I see it is that there is nothing wrong with "acting as if" as long as it is done from the heart. And I have known some oldtimers that have a problem with communicating with newcomers, and as you put it, they have a "But" syndrome. These I concider "long timers", there is, in my mind, a hugh difference between a long timer and an old timer.
But I'm getting off track. You're right, most of the time our actions and ways speak louder and are more effective than our "words of wisdom". Save the antics for their 3rd or 4th meeting. Just "keep it simple" and try to keep them coming back in the mean time.
Have A Great Day!
I'll be on later, right now I have some chips to make.
Thank all of you for sharing!
Kenny

[MichalF]

Short story from Poland
Once during one meeting happened some an interesting, enlightening occurrence.
I don’t know how it works in USA? In my town It is usually permitted to take a part in meeting being under the influence of alcohol but without a possibility to talk. Only listening!
One of participants was drunk but not so much. Chairman explained politely the principle, He accepted it seating quietly, keeping a little distance from others to protect them from unpleasant smell. Meeting was going on. I must add that there were big number of members includes oldtimers. It was a middle of summer. In order to take breath of fresh air all windows were opened widely. One was talking his drinking life story really tragedy, deeply moving thing. Everybody were listening very carefully. You see what kind of silence use to be at such moment. Suddenly terrible sob cut the silence. Every one looked at each other, but the sound came from outside. After drawing back curtain they could see other drunk guy who had walked past and noticed strange sight- people seating around the table by candlelight. Through a gap was looking inside and had started listen moving story. He found it such similar to his situation that he felt something like a “moment of clarityâ€

[Dallas]

In the USA, we suggest that they simply sit down and listen.

Years ago -- a 12 Step call came into the Central Office. The Central Office manager sent two AA's out to 12 Step the guy. The two never came back.... So, they sent two more to look for the two that didn't come back... They found the two AA's with the alkie that they made the 12 Step call -- and all three were drunk.

I've been on a few enlightening 12 Step calls. (No, I wasn't one of the one's that got drunk on the 12 Step call)

On one call, I was new and went with an old timer. The alkie had called Central Office and asked someone to come and talk to him about getting sober. We showed up and the guy had a shotgun and was going to shoot us. He was yelling that us AA's were no good and we needed to leave him alone that he knew we would try to screw up his drinking.

The old timer asked him "What the heck's wrong with you? You called us and asked us to come out and see you. We didn't want to come out and see your ugly face and you smell like you crapped in your pants! Why wouldn't you at least wipe your ass before you called us and we got here?" He went on to say "You're stupid and you're a drunk! Now put that gun down before God shoves it us your ass and pulls the trigger. Do you want to get sober or not?"

The drunk puts the gun down and starts sobbing.... Got to watch out for them when they start crying... can be bad news! But he was crying and telling us his sob stories and apologized for going to shoot us!

Never a dull moment on 12 Step calls!

Dallas

[MichalF]

When I was child I wanted very much to have interesting life, full of adventures...ect.
GOD made me an alcoholic!