i'm just not hopeful

[joelo]

i'm back for the third time. My wife really wants me to sober up, and i feel unlovable whether i drink or not. Tomorrow i start an intensive 8 week outpatient treatment, and i just feel as though i'm spinning my wheels. My heart's not in it. Perhaps i'm comfortable being miserable. i just don't know.

i've read all the books, self help this and positive thinking that. They all try to sell me a way of thinking that i feel deep down is a lie. There is nothing positive to look at when i glance inward ... but i know i will lose my family if i don't do this. So, tomorrow i trod off to hear a bunch of positive thinking CRAP that i just DO NOT WANT TO HEAR.

i'm sick of being me, but i haven't the desire - nor the ability - to be anyone else. i have just enough faith in "God" to make me fear the eternal consequences of suicide ... but not enough to feel like he gives a rat's ass about me.

Damned if i don't, Damned if i do.

[knny913]

Hi joelo,
Welcome back. First let's take a look at STEP ONE.
From what I'm reading that is exactly where you are at. You're powerless over alcohol - you're life is unmanageable. As a great speaker once said "you can't get there from here". I am seeing that (and this is my own opinion) you are trying to get sober, get your life in order, repair your home and family life, and find a God of your choice, all at once. I'm also reading the fear and denial, that we drunks go through when we are faced with a life changing matter. It is much easier to continue our drunk than to face the everyday facts of life and change them, or at least face them. But if we are to live (I haven't known a drunk yet that really didn't want to live, how would they be able to get their next drink), then we have to give up our best friend and worst enemy. After all we didn't get sick overnight so we darn sure aren't going to get well overnight. The best of life will come to you, if you work the steps, and you will know a better life. We all have been where you are at, no self esteem, lonely even when we are in a crowd, no friends through our own fault, family on the last straw and either out the door or have one foot on the thresshold. It says on pg 133 "God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an oppertunity to demonstrate His omnipotience." By the way that is the only time in the Big Book that the words "happy joyous and free" are together.
So do as we have done, take one step at a time with all the honesty and positive effort you can, don't drink and go to meetings. I know you have probably heard that a lot of times before, but the reason you have is that is how it worked for us, and it will work for you, "if you work it!".
Good luck, and keep us posted on your journey. We're all here for you.
Your Friend
Kenny

[Dallas]

For me, action is the key word.

Sometimes, when I haven't had the desire to make changes that I've needed to make, here is what has most often helped me:

1. Even when I didn't believe God would help me, and He would puke on me (or worse)... if I prayed to Him... I prayed anyway! My prayer was something like "God, please don't be ticked off at me for praying to you, I'm just trying to follow instructions! I realize you probably want to puke all over me... but, I told my sponsor that I would pray anyway... so, if you're going to be ticked... please be ticked at him! I need help. I need to make some changes. I don't want to make the changes... would you please help me to want to make the changes?"

2. The next day, my sponsor would ask "Well??? Did you pray or not?" And, I said yes.... I asked God to be ticked at you instead of me, because you told me to pray to Him, and I already told you God don't want to hear from me! But, I did ask Him to help me want to make the changes.

3. Then, my sponsor says... Good! You followed instructions! And, I asked "what do I do now?"

4. He says, now... you learn that staying sober... has nothing to do with what you want or don't want to do! And, making changes are the same. You have to make the changes or you won't stay sober. And, you have to take certain actions -- to stay sober. Most often... you're not going to "want to" do what you have to do! So, you just do it anyway, regardless if you like it or want it or not! Just like when I told you to pray!
You didn't want to pray... you didn't believe it will help... and in your case??? It probably won't help! Why would God want to help a guy that's been a big jerk?"

He said "The key to sobriety... is to do the things you don't want to do, and you do them regardless if you believe they will help or not. You just do them!"

So, I listened to him and I did what he said to do... and I still do. It's worked so far... It may not work tomorrow, but it worked pretty good today, and yesterday, and a bunch of days before that!

Best wishes,

Dallas

[Ranman99]

All I can add to this joelo is that this was my 8th time in over an 18 year period and I even thought I worked the steps once before but I must have missed a few things. This time I was in a pretty bad place and I just went on the faith that if I did what AA asks us to do in the book and do it to the best of my ability something would take effect.

All I can say is that it did and I thank my HP and AA for that. I'm just 13 months sober but very very happy and content. Most days are easily managed even the tough spots and I still try to do a meeting a day and call my sponsor and listen to advice. I had another experience just this week where a bit of patience and listening to others and letting the situation just play out has brought a blessing in disguise.

I'm not a good judge of what HP has in store for me next.

When I die I want to die sober