Thanks for sharing. I understand!
We had a few things in common... and still do. Sometimes, my stomach turns when I hear some things come out of the mouth of some people regarding God.
Here's what I did that helped me:
Towards the bottom of page 58, BB, I read of the importance of letting go of my old ideas absolutely
I later on discovered that this was the perfect suggestion for me -- because nearly all the problems I'd ever had -- were centered in my old ideas.
I had to start with a fresh, clean, and blank slate. Taking effort to not rely on any of my old ideas and doing what I could to absolutely let them go.
That gave me a fresh starting point. In regards to the "God idea" or Higher Power... I let it all go. Once the old ideas were disposed of -- there was nothing left to fight or argue or debate.
I also learned that it was imperative for me to "have my own concept of God, or Higher Power" that I understood... that made sense to me. So, I had to keep it really simple.
MY sponsor suggested I take a yellow legal pad and start making a list of "what do I think God would be like if there was a God?" My starting points were: God is Life. God is Good. God is Light and in God there is no darkness. God is Love.
Light, Life, Good and Love... are all Powers greater than me.
Have you ever considered the Power of Good?
Then, I started to making a list of all the other Powers that I could think of.
Sound. Light. Electricity. Gravity. Chemistry. Microwave. Radiowave. TV. Life. DNA. A Power saw. An electric drill. and things like that. And, I began to look closely at those things.
I began to see patterns of Intelligence in everything except Love.
And, I began to notice that many of the Powers -- I couldn't see with my natural eye. Some, like Microwave is invisible. But, if I doubt microwave because I can't see it -- all I have to do is put my hand in a microwave oven and turn it on -- and it will prove to me that there is a Power greater than me that I can't see!
Electricity was another one. I can't see valence shell electrons -- but I can sure feel and measure them!
That's where I started and then I began to build on that as I made other discoveries.
I struggled for years trying to understand God... and to "come up with an understanding of God". I still struggle with it -- IF -- I'm trying to figure it out.
One day, I gave up the struggle when I came to the realization that if there is a God... that's greater than me... how the heck would I ever be able to understand it or explain it?
Another thing that helped me was: when I discovered I was staying sober -- one day at a time. I knew that this had been impossible for me to do -- and suddenly, I was staying sober. That proved to me that something was at work in my life -- that was big enough to be doing something for me -- that I had been unable to do for me.
Something -- was caring for me. Even though I didn't deserve to be helped or cared for -- It was helping me. Well, for me... that kind of defined Love.... that passes all of my understanding and comprehension.
So, I eventually solved my problem. My problem was a thinking problem. My head was my greatest adversary. And,one day, I just felt like the best thing for me to do was to surrender. And, that's what I did. I put up the white flag.
I don't know if my discoveries and experiences will help you or not. I only know that they helped me and today I don't have the "God problem" and I believe and have faith in something that I discovered for myself -- not something that someone else taught me about or convinced me of.