How to deal with being lonely through recovery

12 Steps: Discussions related to the 12 Steps and using them as a treatment to recover from alcohol and drug addiction.
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How to deal with being lonely through recovery

Postby staying-strong » Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:25 pm

I have been clean for almost 4 months, its been a long and hard four months. And many long hard more months and years to come, but lately Ive been so loney, I don't have many people in my life anymore because ive either pushed them away due to my addiction, or they were a huge factor in my addiction and I have had to push them away and keep them out of my life. I work pt, and am very family orienated, I have a very supportive family, but im sick of wanting to go hang out with my mom and sister because im bored and have nothing else todo, don't get my wrong I LOVE MY FAMILY and enjoy spending time with them, but I need friends. I need girlfriends to talk to and do things with, I need guys in my life who I can flirt with and feel some kind of pleasure, yah yah i know I shouldnt be getting involved in a relationship, but im a a young woman, I have a sex drive and I need to be loved and feel loved, and i just feel so empty and lonely. I mean, here I am spitting out my guts to people around the world that I don't even know, hello! Shouldnt I be at my girlfriends house talking to her about these things? I know im in recovery and and ive gotten myself into the mess I was once in, and im where I am today because of choices ive made, but Its hard. I need some advice on feeling not so lonley and a way to try and get my social life back!

If your out there, and have been where I've been, help!!! THANKS!

-staying-strong :]

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Postby MichalF » Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:42 pm

:shock: :shock:
Excuse me, which step do you relate to? :)
Last edited by MichalF on Mon Feb 01, 2010 11:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby NoCOguy » Mon Feb 01, 2010 8:12 pm

Like the book says and my sponsor likes to also remind me, go work with another alcoholic, do some service work. Ask at a meeting if there is a group going for coffee and then go. The list goes on, just get out there and live, life will happen.

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Postby Dallas » Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:51 am

Welcome to the site staying-strong!

I appreciate you sharing. I understand how tough it can be to experience what you're experiencing... and how much courage it takes to communicate about it.

For me, when I write about my problems to share them with others, or when I talk with them about what's going on for me -- I seem to get a little bit of relief. I hope the same goes for you.

Sometimes, Life just seems to suck! :lol: I understand. :wink:

It really is true that "this too, shall pass"... Good or bad... everything always passes! :wink: Sometimes, we've got to wait it out and sometimes we've got to work it out.

Hang in there and be true to your name! :wink:

Keep coming back and keep sharing. We'll be with you on the sometimes bumpy road to Happy Destiny!

Best wishes,


Bobby D
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staying strong

Postby Bobby D » Tue Feb 02, 2010 7:46 am

From a new to this perspective...( three weeks and counting ) 4 months is an awesome acomplishment.....

Been to my 2nd meeting yesterday.. ... I don't have a sponser.. haven't gotten a copy of the BB yet... But I can relate to the loneliness.. don't have many people outside of work associates or family .. because I'm afraid to go with them to the same places that got me to this point... certainly don't need a trigger right now...I really cant offer sound advice right now but a social setting at least for me.. ends up with being drunk..

Will this pass ?? I'm praying it will... take some time on this site and read some of these posts....even the old ones !! It is really helping me right now...AND meetings !! The people I talked to yesterday really get it.. it's not just BS talk.. they've been there... they get it..

good luck and keep coming back !


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Postby DiggerinVA » Thu Feb 04, 2010 5:40 pm

Now let's see. I am a guy and was about as isolated as I believe I could be when I began to get sober.

I believe the best thing to do is find you a sponsor and work your way through the steps. You may as well do them since you have time on your hands. This was my answer even though I fought it. Heck I even ended up with a wonderful girlfriend and I work a night shift and have a disabled child every weekend (very little getting out and about mixing it up). Many people also find friendship at the meetings.

It sounds like the STEP's are the answer. Then let go and let God.

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Postby Dallas » Fri Feb 05, 2010 5:12 am

As I was re-reading this threat... I remembered that I never felt lonely while I was drinking... I had reached a place in my head that wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to be around any people... especially while I was drinking. I didn't want to share! :lol:

When I got another chance at getting and staying sober, I went to so many AA meetings, and felt such a common bond with the alcoholics there... I discovered that I never felt lonely again.

When I would hang out with some of the guys that were feeling lonely... after talking about it, we figured out that they weren't really feeling lonely, they were feeling horney. :lol:

That isn't the case with most alcoholics, though. And, loneliness, for a sober alcoholic, can be one of the most dangerous emotions to experience in sobriety. It is something worth finding a healthy and safe way of doing something about it.

As I write this... I'm thinking that maybe... one of the reasons that my loneliness vanished, was that I actively took the 12 Steps... and that changed my thinking in regards to myself, God and others... so much, that I never felt lonely again.

Best regards to you all.


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Postby gunner48 » Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:03 pm

When I was first in AA I isolated in my home. Alone just me and the boob tube. I sure don't recommend that. It was when I reached out to other sober members, both men and women, and let them know how I felt and what I was doing did things change. We meet for coffee and dinner. Those people made time for me when I let them know I needed them. Meet with Bryan daily for dinner at 6pm. Left meeting and went to coffee houses. Made a host of friends. Movies, gatherings at homes for cook-outs and socializing.

Never was told not to date during the first year. I was told I needed to be honest about my intentions. Sexual inventory really helped. Where had I been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had I hurt? Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness. It's all on page 69 of the big book.God alone can judge our sex situation.

So get a sponsor, get a big book. Talk to your sponsor, and read the book. Take the actions the book calls for. In my case and only my case if my sponsor told me no relationship in the first year I would question when he became God.

This entire program had to start with me becoming honest in order for it to work. I tried to put many mask on and hide behind my dishonesty. Didn't work for me. I had to get honest about every aspect of my life. I could no longer say I was lonely when there were so many willing to spend time with me if I would only let them know. What Dallas said about some saying they are lonely when in fact they were just honey was so true of me. I was single, scared to death and alone until I reached out. Then I was just single and scared to death.

I hope you will reach out to others. You see the fact of the matter is I need people (I still don't like to admit that) in order to stay on a path of happy, joyous and free.

My hat is off to you for being on a path of Recovery.

Peace and Love Gunner

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Re: How to deal with being lonely through recovery

Postby willow » Thu Feb 11, 2010 4:17 pm

I completely understand the lonely part of recovery; it is hard when you have to give up your party buddies (although they probably weren't really "friends" if you think about it). I also have a tendency to isolate and push people away--especially when I was out there using and drinking. I trashed most of my relationships and ended up alone--drunk, pathetic, and alone. What I have found in AA is that I am only as lonely as I choose to be. I am lucky in that there are meetings 3x a day in the small town where I live. One thing I did when I moved here was started with service work. Now I secretary two meetings a week. I was resistant at first, but I can tell you that having that service committment has helped me integrate into the AA community and also given me the ability to meet friends. I don't have any close family where I live and I work online, so I NEED the social interaction that I get from meetings. As an added bonus, I also found some people I can really talk with and who have an enormous amount of understanding--even if I don't always.

It is hard to change your life. Getting sober is the first step. You will find, though, that if you persist and just reach out a little there are literally hundreds of hands willing to hold yours. Praying helps too, along with talking to your Higher Power. I had an awakening not too long ago and I realized that with a God in my life I never had to be alone again--I always had someone "on my side"--all I had to do was ask.

Go to lots of meetings. Join in. I know it is not our normal pattern to engage in social activities with other people (sober), but you will learn to have fun in a new way, and you WILL make friends who are trying to change their lives.... It's a pretty good deal all around.

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Postby Dallas » Thu Feb 11, 2010 6:55 pm

Welcome to the site Willow! Glad you're here and thanks for your great sharing!


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