Normiegurl seeking some clarity...

[normiegurl]

I'm all very new to this so any help would be greatly appreciated. I met a man a few months ago who is in AA.

He has 2 steps left before he has completed all 12. We have been talking for a while now and have discovered that we are both interested in dating each other but have agreed not to allow anything serious to develop as I did not want to interfere with his steps and his success in completing them, nor does he.

We have made plans for dinner after his expected completion date and we are both looking forward to it. I have been informed that he needs to speak to his sponsor about having a night out as typically, so I have heard, he is not able to date for a year. He was concerned his sponsor would say no as we would both like to get to know each other better and see where this interest may take us both.

We're not teenagers, (I'm 30 and he is in his mid 30's), I have also told him that whatever is required of me, if necessary, I'm more than willing to do if we need to take our dating in steps. (ie: group dates, meeting his sponsor etc...)

Like I mentioned I dont know how it all works, so any clarity would be great. If we have to wait, we have to wait right? I can accept that.

I'm not a drinker at all. I choose not to drink because I like to enjoy my life without the enhancement of drugs or alcohol. I respect AA and all those whom it has helped and whom it is in the process of helping.

I believe that there is a connection between me and this man, and neither of us want to rush into anything, we are wanting to take our time and get to know each other, but first and foremost his commitment to AA comes first, I'm just wondering if there are set rules about dating, special circumstances, steps I need to take etc....?

Thank you for reading!

[Dallas]

Hello normiegurl. Welcome to the forum.

AA doesn't have any rules... Alcoholics seem to have a natural defiance against rules... tell them they have to turn right and they'll turn left almost everytime!

AA members do offer suggestions on various things and most of them have a bunch of personal opinions. The ideal is that we're conservative in sharing our opinions. And, suggestions come from our own personal experiences. Example: "This is what we did that worked for us. It may or may not work that way for you. This is what we did.... if you're interested in checking it out for yourself."

Some AA sponsors do have some rules and guidelines that they've come up with or that have been passed on to them -- that have worked for them and worked for most of those that they sponsor.

Have you met the guy's sponsor and talked with him about it? And, why is the guy taking so long to take his Steps?

My heart (my emotions) can interfere with seeing things as they really are... and this will interfere with me making intelligent decisions.

Best regards,

Dallas

[normiegurl]

Thanks Dallas!

When I wrote this post I had not been aware that he was on step 11 and has of today moved on to step 12.

I really appreciate your response. It has helped in addition to finding out that he and I are not permitted to date each other until he is ready, or his sponsor thinks he is ready (the latter is hearsay)

I was left somewhat confused however as when I spoke to him he said that he needed to make amends with me for hurting me. I was floored.

This wonderful man has never hurt me, not once, and I believe in my heart that he never would. Why the amends then....? I told him that he never hurt me emotionally like he had claimed, furthermore I said if he had hurt me I would have told him.

It also struck a note with me that during this amends he had made that, I felt anyhow, that it was as though he had been made to feel guilty about feeling something for me, wanting to date me and had to apologize for it. I could be wrong but that is just how I perceived it I suppose. I'm not in anyway trying to invalidating his amends, I appreciated it, and everything is fine.

It may be something in the program that I do not fully understand, I just felt confused I suppose as to why he would be apologizing for something he thinks that he did that he said was 'unspiritual'...? again, perhaps a term I am not educated on within the program.

To answer your question though Dallas, I have not yet met his sponsor. I think that if I were to meet his sponsor, I would be nervous! haha, but its not something I'm pushing to see happen as that is between him and his sponsor to make that decision together. He knows I would, but I have left that to them.

So what lay before me is an undetermined amount of time until him and I can see each other again on a social basis. This will depend on his progress and when he decides he is ready as well as when his sponsor thinks he is ready aswell I'm sure.

All in all, I'm happy to wait, I'm happy to take things slow, so few of us take our time now really and truly getting to know one another before jumping into anything.

Thanks Dallas, any comments, feedback, questions.... all the help i can get

[Dallas]

Hello normiegurl! Nice to hear from you again!

Some of us alkies have a seemingly strange streak that runs through us... we often feel guilty... period. It would take a long message for me to explain the "why" I believe that we do this... so I'll keep it short by writing that it's a pattern of negative thinking about ourselves that has developed over time and it takes time and actions to get over it.

Glad to hear you're taking it slow. Remember... the nice guy that you know... is sober! I can assure you that he's a much different guy sober than he would be if he were drinking. So, it's a good idea, that if you have good thoughts about this guy, and that you care for him, that you understand that his sobriety must come first. That's the only way he'll ever have a chance of having a good life or a good relationship with anyone.

You didn't mention how long he has been sober. In my case, it took me a long time before I was really ready to have a healthy relationship with myself or with someone else. I had a whole bunch of healing and recovering to do.

My best wishes for you and for your friend.

Dallas

[Dallas]

Another question: Were there any alcoholics or people that had drinking problems in your family or close relatives?

Also, have you checked out Al-Anon? Al-Anon, is a fellowship like AA, for people that have loved ones or family or friends that are alcoholic.

You may want to check it out if you are considering a relationship with an alcoholic, regardless if they are sober and in AA or if they are drinking.

Best wishes,

Dallas

[normiegurl]

Hey Dallas!

Thanks for much for all the info on this! Of course I don’t want to rush anything and taking things slow is important to me at this point in my life as well as his I’m sure. He’s entering a brand new phase in his life. I have only known him sober, so I agree he was no doubt a different person while he had been drinking and I would never put him in a position where his sobriety would come second.

I used to date someone in NA, this person also had a tendency to relapse every few weeks so I couldn’t take their desire to change seriously and I opted not become part of a co-dependent relationship.

To address your questions, I did have a father who was an alcoholic, whom I have since lost touch with many years ago, however I was very young when he had been a part of my life and exited it. (I have heard through distant family he has been sober for almost two decades, but he did not go through AA) A friend of the family who had completed his 12 steps a few years ago is probably the only other person I know who has been through the program, though I’m unsure of his whereabouts to ask questions (which is where you have been a big help Dallas!)

As for my current interest who is AA, I cannot say for sure how long he has been in AA as I have not asked. I didn’t feel it was my business or necessary to know and that it was unimportant to me whether he'd been sober for 4 months or 4 years, as it wouldn’t change my opinion of him. I would feel like I was prying and I think it is up to him to divulge that information voluntarily to me. If I had to venture a guess I would say less than a year.

Thanks for everything Dallas!

[Danni]

Hi Normie. Are you still a Normie after dating an alcoholic? I'm surprized that he hasn't driven you to drink. I hope all is well and good for you. Noticed no updates from you. Are you on the honeymoon yet?

Danni xoxoxo