as far as I remember I never had a >normal drinking behavior>. When I drank I drank a lot ; I never could control my drinking behavior. I come from a typical middle-class family which looked nice at the surface but was in reality dysfunctional. At the age of 18 I could go to the uninversity and that gave me a reason to move away from my familiy.
Happy to have escaped a horrible familiy I used my new >freedom > to hang out in bars and to party. And I DRANK- wine, beer and later also whiskey and wodka. At that time I thought that this was the >good life > , that I really deserved to have fun and besides, drinking too much happens to everybody from time to time...I also studied a year in Italy - a culture with a lot wine...
I managed to finish the university and after that I drank even more...Now I was at a point where my my own drinking started to scare me, I knew that I had lost totally the control about the booze and I was scared what might happen to me...At Novemer the 4th 1985 I decided to qit drinking for a week (I thought if I could quit drinking for a week that would prove that I didnÂ´t have a serious problem with alcohol ...
). Well, the first day was o.k., the second day was not - I got cravings. I couldnÂ´t believe it, I was 26 years old and already addicted to alcohol....At the 4th day of my sobriety I called the local AA (a friend of mine had told me about them ) and went to my first AA-meeting. I felt very relieved , and when I swa my new AA-friends I also felt very hopeful.
Well, I would like to say that then everything was fine but it wasnÂ´t that easy. I got a good job and my life got more and more stabile. After I had reached a certain stability the ghosts of my past began to haunt me ; I got panic attacks and depressions. This time it wasnÂ´t about drinking but about comitting suicide or not. I managed to keep up my working life (the job was important for me) and went for years into an ambulant gestaltherapy.I was very lucky because my therapist was himself an AA-member so he knew about addcition. The therapy was a process to face my fears, to cry the tears I never had cried (and there were many!) and finally to integrate the abuse which had happened into my life. Sometimes I felt like somebody who leaves the known paths and has no idea where he might end up...It was a lonely and scary journey but I also got a lot of support by my AA-friends.
As a result of this process I began to enjoy life again . Depressions were manageable , I could live with that. And after the years of the inner journey I began to travel outside in the world; before the first big trip I got really scared .... But I had decided that I can do things even if I am scared ; I dindÂ´t want towait anymore for beeing a fearless person because who knows how long I would have to wait then...The first big trip led me to Chicago, Maui and San Francisco and it was the reward for the years of facing my inner demons. I discovered how much I love to learn about other cultures ! Travelling is still one of the things I love to do; I have taken many trips to the US and recently also to Russia and the Kirgisien. And I hope that I will be capable sooner or later to do that again !
So thatÂ´s my story, more or less. I am grateful to all the people who have helped me . For my sobriety I got a lot of support. recently I have getting a lot of support in helping me to deal with my back problems. Right now I have to deal and take care of the healing of my body . Well, so far this is going fine, obviously I can use the tools I learned during my sober -journey.