- When Spouses Don't Support...

When Spouses Don't Support...




Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

When Spouses Don't Support...

Postby angeleyes13 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 5:09 pm

I'm a little worried... I told my husband that I wanted to go to another meeting tonight. His response, "What? You just went to one last night!" "Do you want to make them your second family or something?" I kinda wanted to say, "Um, yeah that is kinda the idea..." I don't think he really gets it...
He told me that I was fine this summer that I didn't even drink that much... I had to remind him that I didn't have money then, but anytime I got money I bought myself a bottle.
I'm worried about me! It actually feels good to say that... For so long I have worried about him, my son, everyone else in my life I have put first. Now, for the first time I am really worried about me... I am begining to really love myself and it feels good. The thing is I still don't want to make people mad at me... I don't want my husband to feel like I am replacing him... I even asked him if he would go with me :( Please keep us in your prayers...

Love,
Angeleyes
angeleyes13
 
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We get it !

Postby Bobby D » Tue Feb 23, 2010 6:05 pm

Angel,

You are in my prayers.. I know this is tough as hell and I understand ....you finally get to the point where your doing something about this ...thing... this montster ... it was so hard to take that step.. but you finally do it.. and people around you , the people that should get it don't... they dont see the problem the same way you do... drinking for most people is moderate.... so no problem with a few drinks...... ..for us it's all in...

Most non alcoholics ( and alcoholics that are still in denial ) really don't get it.... We can't make them get it either. Maybe he's scared or insecure because he cant "fix you"... From a mans perspective this is sometimes a hard thing to deal with and the macho self kicks in.... That's all some of us know.

Not sure what direction to take here... Would a different meeting time be less stressful on home life ? ? Or you could tell him your taking your dad ??

God bless

Bob
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Only if...

Postby angeleyes13 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 6:30 pm

The only meetings are in the evenings or right smack in the middle of the day at like 12pm. Actually, I'm off for a couple of days, so I could hit a meeting in the middle of the day :) Thanks Bobby I'll check it out... As for my dad he gets really compulsive about this stuff... For instance; I tell him I finally made it to a meeting (I did ask him to go with me, but he declined) and he says, "Did you get any numbers? If your going to do this thing you have to do it right!" I'm like, "Well, I felt weird asking a perfect stranger for her number." Now, I'm kinda wishing I would have :( Thank God I have this website! It really helps to just let it out on her, you know?

Thank you so much Bobby ~ Much love,
Angel
angeleyes13
 
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Opps..

Postby angeleyes13 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 6:31 pm

I meant Here not her, lol
angeleyes13
 
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Postby GeoffS » Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:02 pm

Remember as practicing alkies, we poison our relationships with partners to a degree as well.

For all they want us to quit drinking, its not just that straight forward.

They've adapted to living with and being in a relationship with a drunk, that changes them, makes their thinking change etc etc.

Suddenly we quit and get help. They are left right where they were. From experience, partners often see it along the lines of "you were causing the problems, and now you get the help, and expect everyone to just fall into line, and we the partners are just left to sink or swim." True?

yes there is al-anon, but thats not always as easy, remember how much our poisoned thinking blocked us from getting help, is it fair to assume that others will see they may need help too? I think not.

Suddenly we are not the person they were used to any more, our behaviour changes markedly, and we get people teaching and guiding us how to make it through. They cant do it, add to that they are left with their own adapted (to fit living with an alkie) behaviour which is no longer appropriate, they need to face change again...not easy.

They were looking to 'get us back' from the evil drink. They don't, we go to meetings a lot. We meet and value people they don't know. Thats hard to take, they get jealous of course they do.

Give it time, they will see the transformation beyond quitting drinking. They will realise that we drank everyday or thereabouts and in the early stages we need to treat our alcoholism similarly. We get taught in AA that stopping drinking is just the start of the healing, partners see stopping drinking as the end in itself. They assume that the old us will be back when we remove the drink.

Do ask them to meetings, do communicate, do explain the nature of our illness to them. Explain that the couple of hours out for a meeting is an investment in the quality of the remaining hours you spend with them. At meetings we learn how to do it sober, and how to make the lives of those around us better, by treating our disease. Without meetings we miss this chance to learn, and cannot improve our contribution to the lives of others, and things will become bad between us and our partners as once again we become untreated.

The important thing is to give it time, adapt your meeting schedule if you can of course, but remember I go to meetings firstly for myself, but secondly because I love those around me, and they won't love me if I stop going to meetings.
Hope any of this made sense!!
GeoffS
 
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You make perfect sense :)

Postby angeleyes13 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 6:38 pm

I didn't make it to a meeting last night :( It was hard... I wanted to go, but my husband wanted me to stay home. So, I went to an afternoon meeting today... I actually shared! It was tearful and hard to understand between the sobs, but everyone was sooo nice :) I'm going to another meeting tomorrow night (hopefully my husband will go to).

Lots of love and prayers,
Angel
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Postby Tim » Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:55 am

I echo much of what Geoff wrote. I was married when I got sober and I'm still married to the same woman nearly 13 years into sobriety. It's been a wild ride, especially early in sobriety, but we have a healthy, loving relationship today. It gets better as we make spiritual progress.

When I first got sober, I expected my wife to give me a standing ovation for being sober and a 21-gun salute every time I went to a meeting. She didn't. Self-will--banging on the tray of my high chair--needs to be surgically removed before I can be happy, joyous and free.
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Postby Bobby D » Sat Feb 27, 2010 9:06 am

wow Tim.. way to put it in perspective,,,, I think in alot of ways I'm still looking ofr the parade too.. After all this is what you wanted ( me not drinking ) isn't it ?

I forgot all the bull!@$#$% I put my family through... the worry if I was going to make it home ok...All the times I promised that this time was for real.....I need that Humility... to keep me moving in the right direction...

Thanks


And Angel... keep at it !!!
Bobby D
 
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I'm still Truckin'

Postby angeleyes13 » Sun Feb 28, 2010 4:18 pm

Almost one week! I acutally thought last night, "It hasn't been that long, you could have a drink and start all over... It is not like you have months or years... You don't even have one week yet!" What a bunch of hoo ha! One day is a triumph! I woke up this morning feeling tired, but not hung over!!! Those are the best mornings, man... Waking up NOT feeling like a truck hit me and some animal died in my mouth while I was sleeping, You know what I mean? What a way to start a day... Don't want that again... Went to three meetings last week... Def. need more!

Take care all and Keep Coming Back!
Angel
angeleyes13
 
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Postby Dallas » Sun Feb 28, 2010 5:58 pm

I know what you mean. :wink:

Way to go! Keep coming back!

Dallas
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