- My sponsor said we are not connecting

My sponsor said we are not connecting




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My sponsor said we are not connecting

Postby mrsnotso » Tue Mar 16, 2010 10:56 am

I am new to sobriety and to AA. I will have 60 days on March 24th. I called AA to begin with and there was someone there that came to my house and picked me up and took me to my first meeting where I got my BB. She asked me to call her everyday. I felt close to her because I was a mess when I went in, feeling stupid and embarrassed. She help ease that and to direct me to meetings. So, I asked her to become my sponsor. She did willingly. I eventually got my 12 X 12 and a daily reflections book. I was so happy when I asked her to be my sponsor, because all I was doing was reading and learning in the meetings that a sponsor was needed. I heard alot about doing the next best thing, so I did all I thought I was supposed to. I asked her several times to start steps with me. Finally she invited me to come help her move and then we went to a meeting. We did nothing more than that. I called her on occassion when she would answer the phone or would call me back. I told her I was writing down answers to the first steps. She said that was good. Then, as time went on I asked her when we were starting the steps. She scheduled a time to come to a meeting on my side of town and she told me to write down some things relating to these first steps. I did, but she didn't think it was thorough enough and said we would need to schedule it again. She asked me to call her back that week. I did, but she didn't answer. Finally the weekend came and I called her, she called me back and told me that we weren't connecting and that she thought a different sponsor within the meetings that I normally attend would be much better for me. I agreed, but now I feel like a fish out of water and hurt. I didn't want to go back. I felt stupid. It would have been nice of her to tell me what was expected of me. I am very much a loner and keep to myself so I will not bug anyone. I didn't need this so early in my sobriety. I am talking to others about finding a new one, but I am so disappointed to see already a person give up on me. I was doing that enough all by myself. Well enough of my whining. I am continuing to meetings, but reluctantly. Just thought I would reach out and ask someone for pointers. I have asked at a meeting already, but I am not happy about asking them either at this point. Feeling icky today!
mrsnotso
 
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Postby Dallas » Tue Mar 16, 2010 6:50 pm

Welcome to the site mrsnotso!

Perhaps your sponsor cares enough about you -- to be honest. Honesty, is often more comfortable than dishonesty. She is willing to experience the discomfort in regards for your highest good.

While there might be a number of reasons that she believes that someone else might be able to better help you -- the reasons are not important. So, if I were you, I wouldn't take it so personal.

The sponsor may have a different style or idea of "how it has worked for her and the others that she has been able to help" -- than the ideas that you're picking up at the other meetings.

When I was new in sobriety -- I went to a lot of different meetings -- thinking that "more is always better!" (Kind of like my drinking!) :lol:

However, many of the ideas that I was picking up at some of the meetings -- were actually killing me -- sober. I tried doing it like some of the people said to do it in the various meetings that I went to -- and I ended up drunk again, and couldn't get sober.

I tried coming back to AA, over and over and over and over again... but was unable to achieve or maintain sobriety. And, I figured "well, it works for them, but it will never work for me!"

When I did get another chance at sobriety -- I discovered that everything I had learned about AA -- in my first attempt at sobriety -- needed to be discarded absolutely -- because it didn't work.

My sponsor at the time was a really patient loving guy who just let me run -- because he couldn't make "a connection" with me. And, he hoped, that someday I would hit my bottom -- in sobriety -- and change my mind about what I was doing.

While I credit my first sponsor with saving my life, and I love him dearly, as I look back on our experience -- I needed a guy for a sponsor that was not so loving and kind and patient with me. I needed tough love -- not the touchy, feely, "I feel your pain and sympathize with you" kind of love.

However, I stuck with my first sponsor and he stuck with me -- all the way up to Step Seven. At Step Seven, he told me that I needed the help of someone else -- that had a better understanding of how to deal with the wreckage of my past, and how to make my amends. He had never experienced or had to walk through the kinds of problems that I had. So, he was doing me a favor -- he was loving me -- by letting me know that he had limitations, and that I needed to find someone different.

I don't know if any of that is relevant or similar to your situation. I'm simply sharing what it was like for me -- just in case you can get anything out of it, that might be useful to you. It may not be helpful to you and only helpful for me -- to share it with you.

Best regards. Best wishes. And, please keep coming back! Someday, you'll be glad you did.

Dallas
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Postby GeoffS » Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:19 pm

Hi mrsnotso,

Finding a sponsor that is perfect for us is tricky. In my early days the only people who had what I wanted were drinking, thats what I wanted to do. I gave up looking and asked the first guy I spoke to what a sponsor does. He told me to call him next day and talk, we've done that most days since. He then took me throught the BB and steps - pushing me on with some and pulling me back on others. He encouraged me to get involved in AA, get in the middle. I'm a loner too, and that was hard, but I've seen the people who get taken out by this illness. They are the ones on the fringes. The lion never kills the zebra in the middle, always one of the ones on the outside. So it is with this illness. Sounds like the lady who stopped sponsoring you was the wrong kind of lady for you. Maybe you need someone who is a bit more structured and a bit more 'full on' and won't let you drift. You sound like me, in that without some discipline, structure and accountability we are drifters we'll slip away, take the easy option, not bother people, then we're the zebra on the outsides. Thats just our disease thats what it wants us to do. I'd be grateful for the honesty of that lady as Dallas said, maybe you had a lucky escape.

keep coming back and make some contacts

all the best
Geoffs
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Postby mrsnotso » Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:44 pm

Thank you Dallas and Geoffs for your reply to my post. I needed to hear from both of you. I have thought more about it and prayed that I would just suit up and show up like they say. I did and I am slowly feeling better. What I think I was really afraid of was myself. I was afraid that I was heading back out because that was my usual way of dealing with things that didn't settle well with me. I took a day off from meetings and hated that. I am back on the right track again and I am thankful for her and that I can now search for a sponsor that is better suited for me. I will take it slower this time and look for that someone who seems to be on the right track with her entire program. I am pretty impatient and wanted to jump into this head first and do it all perfect. That was my first mistake in sobriety. Thanks again for your encouraging words. I am headed to a meeting soon and am looking forward to it!! Thanks again!!
mrsnotso
 
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Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 10:06 am

Postby Dallas » Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:23 pm

Thanks for checking in mrsnotso. I'm happy to hear that you are still well and that you're getting through to the other side of this experience.

One thing that has helped me, is: Learning to try to use every experience -- good or bad -- as something that I can use to keep moving forward, for my own Highest Good. It's not always easy and it's not always automatic. Sometimes, I just have to chill and wait -- as the tool to use for my Highest Good -- until I get some time to have the hind-sight to see how I could use the experience for growth and progress.

One thing that has always harmed me, is: Taking things personal. Getting too serious. Assuming that when something happens or someone does something -- it's all about me. :shock:

Best wishes to you and for you. I hope you keep coming back and letting us know how things are going for you. And, if we can be of help -- you know we'll be here for you. We could also use your help around here, too! You have a unique perspective because of your experiences in life. You can reach people needing help, that we would never be able to reach. In other words: We need you! :wink:

Dallas
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
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Postby mrsnotso » Thu Mar 18, 2010 8:42 pm

Hi Dallas, I like what you said and it makes a lot of sense not to take things so personally and to try to use this experience in a positive way. I think I was seeing it as all about what was being done to me instead of for me. It is almost to a point that seems silly now. Wow, I love how this works for me. I was nearly done and now I am ready to listen, learn, do what is necessary, and continue to grow and stay sober. That's my goal and I will take another 24. Thanks!
mrsnotso
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 10:06 am

Postby Dallas » Fri Mar 19, 2010 9:42 am

Hello mrsnotso! Thank YOU!

I appreciate you!

Dallas
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
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Postby mrsnotso » Mon Mar 22, 2010 11:08 am

Thought I would drop in to let you know that things couldn't be better today! I am on top of the world and it is because I am not trying to save the world or anyone in it :lol:

I do have new sponsor, someone who has been interesting to me from the beginning. She seems to have what I want in these meetings. She is such a bright spot when I see and listen to her. So, I talked to her and she was glad to become my sponsor. We immediately began to meet and she put me to work. I am not being hard on myself today and am in no great big hurry. Just doing the next thing and taking a moment at a time. That works best for me. I so enjoy posting this today! I'll be back!!
mrsnotso
 
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Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 10:06 am

Postby Dallas » Mon Mar 22, 2010 5:00 pm

That's WONDERFUL!!!! So happy to hear it!

Thanks for letting us know -- and please hurry back!

We'll be thinking about you!

Dallas
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Postby GeoffS » Tue Mar 23, 2010 6:42 am

mrsnotso wrote:Thought I would drop in to let you know that things couldn't be better today! I am on top of the world and it is because I am not trying to save the world or anyone in it :lol:

I do have new sponsor, someone who has been interesting to me from the beginning. She seems to have what I want in these meetings. She is such a bright spot when I see and listen to her. So, I talked to her and she was glad to become my sponsor. We immediately began to meet and she put me to work. I am not being hard on myself today and am in no great big hurry. Just doing the next thing and taking a moment at a time. That works best for me. I so enjoy posting this today! I'll be back!!


Well done you!!! Grab it with both hands and see where the ride takes you...
GeoffS
 
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