When Spouses Don't Support...

[Bobby D]

congradulations.... NICE job

ONE DAY is an acomplishment... one week is awesome.... Feels good doesn't it

Keep it up and keep coming back

God Bless

Bob

[Pauly C]

I kinda have the same problem. I married my Wife as a drunk 7 years ago, she has only known me as a drunk and its hard for her to get to know the "New Me"
I'm not much fun anymore according to her...but she forgets about the blackouts, my verbal abuse, having to put me to bed and clear up my vomit.

Also from my end I was dependant on her to ferry me to and from bars, buy my booze and generally take care of me.

Now I don't need that and I sometimes think I dont need her anymore as I no longer need that dependancy.

She sort of had me under the thumb when i was drinking now she does'nt.

its a bit of a dilemma , but my sponser says to wait a year before i make any life changing decisions and that I am still mentally sick.

So we shall see I suppose

[Dallas]

Hey Pauly! Welcome to the site!

During our first year sober, typically... we go through a bunch of emotional swings. It can cloud our "Intellectual decisions" and leave us making some decisions that we end up regretting. Much like we made decisions whild drinking... that we later regretted.

Most alkies change dramatically... a few times during their first year. So, your sponsor is probably suggesting to you to wait for a year to make those changes... so that you don't end up doing something that you regret later on.

On the flip side... If it were me, during my first year, and I totally and honestly believed that my relationship was going to drive me back to drinking... I would take a year hiatus from the relationship and then, if possible, I would make a decision one way or another.

In any length of sobriety... early or later on... from what I've personally observed is: Our relationship problems with others is often the cause of many sober alkies returning to drinking.

Relationships with others, regardless if at home, at work, or in the market... are charged with emotions. The inability to control our emotions is often what drove many of us to drink in the first place. We couldn't handle how we felt -- and a few drinks was sure to change our feelings. It didn't change our circumstances or our facts -- it simply changed our perception of the facts and circumstances -- which resulted in changing our feelings about things.

Pauly, keep coming back! I look forward to reading more from you!

And... congratulations on your sobriety!

Dallas

[angeleyes13]

Keith,
Thanks for the prayers they are always needed... My husband and I are doing much better. I failed to mention that he too is in recovery. He sees a doctor once a month that perscribes him medication to get him better from his addiction. We are kind of in the same place right now. It just took us a little while to understand that. I will check out those chapters you mentioned.

Thanks again,
Angeleyes

[Bensober]

This is good stuff for me to put in balance too! My Sponsor just recently pointed out to me that I have to find my BOUNDARY to get BALANCE in the area of spending time attending meetings, @work, with family, hobbies, etc. The question went "how much time in your drinking where you away from family? That also includes being drunk @home you still were away! When I honestly answered the question, then he asked/stated "your biggist problem other than drinking was your lack of boundaries...wasn't it? Now you get to find your BOUNDARY(= approximately 1/2 the time I was drunk, hungover, or thinking about my next drink to go to meetings, works Steps with him, and help others)committ to it, share it and why with your love ones, and ...get on!

It really seems that if I don't find whatever a boundary really is and what mine really is I'm in trouble. A lot of times my Sponsor is also reminding me "Nunya"...means "none of your business" when people switch up on thier own lack of boundaries. Once I find "it" the outside world appeares less reactive to what I'm doing.

I'm (as always) open to more on this especially in the area of boundaries. What do you all think?

Ben H.

[Bensober]

What a great opportunity Angel. Without sounding like a victim...hopefully cause I'm not (reality). I don't have that opportunity at least at this time with my wife. What has worked in our relationship in finding and maintaining "the boundary", is a energy of "osmosis". She has inadvertently apparently soaked up some of my program! Sound weird? We'll the second I start to preach AA to her...I'm a gonner! But as I do my daily rountiens "carrying the message to those who still suffer" appeares to be at least a subtle miracle. She does other things to cope with life and deal with stress but this addition seems to make a good accessory to her routines.

I fantasize about comming home from work or on a Sunday morning being able to have a 12X12 meeting with her. Any suggestions on how I could approach this? Remember she is very sensitive about me overtly carring the message.

Ben H.

[Dallas]

Have you taken her to any large "Open" - "Speaker meetings"?

While some discussion meetings will let her in -- I highly do NOT suggest those. Be sure it's the biggest speaker meeting you can find.

Also, has she tried Al-Anon? That could help.

Other than that, sometimes, we need to sit down with them and let let them know the seriousness of our condition. If we had cancer... would they want us to avoid the doctor or not go to the doctor just so we could sit around with them? Comparable with other major conditions -- alcoholism leads to more fatalities than most.

Perhaps, leaving a few pamphlets around the house that discuss the serious nature of alcoholism ... not suggesting they read them... "they are for you"... they will often pick them up and look at them when you're not looking and read them.

Another suggestion: Get some AA speaker tapes, CDs, or mp3 downloads that you can play. Just listen to them yourself and they will often be listening in the background. Use a mix of funny speakers and some not so funny speakers. Often, what you'll find on the CDs, tapes, or mp3 files... will be speakers that have spoken at large meetings or conventions. And, they'll have a strong message that holds attention. This is ideal if there are no large speaker meetings near you.

Another suggestion is: If there is an AA convention or round up near by... get your spouse to attend it with you. These have been known to get them as interested in AA and your recovery as you are.

Once they fully understand what you're up against -- "if" -- they really do care for you -- they will want the best for you.

I've heard it said that "love" is often wanting more of what's best for our loved one -- than we want of what's best for us.

If you need help picking out some speakers for tapes, CDs or downloads, let us know. We can send the info to you by Private Message, as to where to get them and our suggestions that you can try.

One suggestion (off the top of my head) is Father Martin. He did some talks and a book called "Chalk Talks". Chalk Talks about alcoholism, where he uses a blackboard to demonstrate his talk. They have videos of him on YouTube and Facebook... if you want to watch those.. and they are good... your spouse may take an interest in seeing them also (or at least snoop from in the background to see what you're watching )

Let me know if you want help finding them and I'll help. I'm sure that others here in the forum will help you find some good ones too.


I hope that helps

Dallas

[Bensober]

Thank Yo My Brother,
""love" is often wanting more of what's best for our loved one -- than we want of what's best for us". You know from other post where I have been with my alcoholism Dallas. I never got to this point with my spouse and now we have three children...I am now. I never heard such a comrehensive array of options as your post. Your suggestion to me is "a subtle command". AA has touched our lives like never before as I have allowed into my personal life. The love I have for my family in your quote, provides for them the gift I have recieved. Your energy to provide this I have to pay attention to and allow in Dallas. I would feel honored via private message to contact you all and look into how I could obtaine (I think especially for her and the kids would be humor AA speaker CD's, DVD's, or what ever). What is my next step to do this on/from this forum.

God Bless,

Ben H.

[Dallas]

Hello Ben, I hope I didn't overload with too much information! I should have probably written "here is an idea" instead of "I'd suggest."

I'll look and see what I can put together to you and then contact you through PM to let you know what I come up with.

"here's an idea"... Hopefully, some of the others here on the site will do the same!

Dallas

[gunner48]

May try some of Tom Brady tapes. Puddenhead had a great sence of humor.

Love and Peace Gunner