Sponsee on Step 4-Resentments

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Sponsee on Step 4-Resentments

Postby cajunbam » Mon Mar 29, 2010 10:02 am

I've talked with my sponsee a little bit about resentments and listing them. I gave him a "resentments prompt sheet" which helps you to begin your list. He has read the section in the Big Book about Step 4 and I purchased a Twelve and Twelve book for him as he is my first sponsee and is also unemployed and going through a divorce as we speak. In any case, he tells me he just doesn't have many resentments. :shock: I guess I'm struggling with what to tell him (and so is my sponsor) because for me it's hard to figure that someone that's been through two divorces and a number of jobs, is 51 and just tried to kill himself 2 months ago doesn't have many resentments. He says he is first on his list and I can empathize with that. But I don't want to do a disservice to him and let him slide through this all important step as it is the basis for the rest. Any suggestions or ideas from y'all would be greatly appreciated!!


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Postby Dallas » Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:57 pm

Sure! I understand! I was just like him! :lol: :lol:

Here's what my sponsor did with me, when I told him I had no resentments... that I was just grateful to be alive and sober!

He looked at me and said... "Well Dallas. Since that's the case... I want you to start by making a list of every single person you've ever known in your life regardless if you think you're still angry with them or not."

I replied with something that might have been like (I don't remember my exact wording)... "Oh what an order!!! No one else that I've ever heard talking about their 4th Step didn't have to do this! You want me to list everyone I've ever known... even though I don't resent anyone?"

He said, "Yes. And, you can put me at the top of your list because you'll be mad at me, I guarantee you, when this is over!"

I thought "Man! I'm screwed!!! There are a lot of people that I've ripped off that I didn't even know their names... and yeah, now I remember that a few of them... I'd still shoot them if I knew where to find them!" :lol:

Sponsor Magic! I only THOUGHT that!!! I didn't say it!!!

My sponsor looks at me and follows through with "I've got an idea there are so many people you're ticked off at -- that you've numbed yourself out just so you don't think about it ALL the time!"

:shock: :shock: :shock:

Then, I "thought" (silently) "What's with this crap? How is this guy reading my mind!!! How does he know about me???"

Answer: "Sponsor Magic!" :lol: :lol:

I asked myself for a few years: "How do these guys that are really good sponsors do this stuff? Where do they come up with it? Do they go to some sort of secret Sponsor Initiation School or something?" :lol:

I FOUND OUT where they were getting it!!! But, part of the initiation? I can't tell you right now... you've got to figure that out and then come back and ask me... and I'll let you know if you're right or not!"

I said to my sponsor... "Look. I really don't remember them."

He said, "Well. Then, start with the phone book... and make a list of everyone in the phone book... I'll bet that under that numbness... you're mad at the world and everything and everyone in it! Plus, in some way you've probably harmed everyone in the phone book!"

Then he sent me off to make my list. A few days later... he asked me "God your list finished?" I said "No. But, I got a few names down and I thought a lot about what you said. You were right! I've been angry at the world since I was a teenager. And, you're probably right, too, when I think of how my actions... of harming people and things... had an effect on thousands of people that I had never even met!"

He finally let me off the hook when my list was running several dozens of pages!!! He said if he didn't short-circuit me... I'd spend the rest of my life making the list and never get the 4th done!" :lol:

Good luck with him! I hope the others here will share their experiences, too. That way we'll have more info to take back to "Sponsor School!" :lol:


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Postby cajunbam » Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:08 am

That's some good advice. Thanks Dallas! I hope I learn about this Sponsor Initiation School you're talking about. It would make life easier!!! :lol: Haha!


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Postby Dallas » Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:46 pm

You'll discover it! Maybe, you already have discovered it!

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Postby PinkCloud3 » Sat Jun 26, 2010 9:04 pm

I think I'm in one of those Secret Sponsor Classes! 8)

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Postby Dallas » Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:40 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I understand.

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Postby jreads » Wed Jul 14, 2010 2:46 pm

My most recent sponsee started out with the same line, and I appreciate the humility. My tactic was to go to other parts of the inventory...things done wrong to people. Then I started in on (not what or who do you resent) what have these people/institutions/organizations done that you resent? That started the volcano. It also uncovered a bunch of other hurts and faults.

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Postby CK Stealth » Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:36 am

Even though I don't have a sponsor YET, I've thought about this step. Of course I have no resentments....LOL...the second I thought that I knew it didn't fly. Some resentments of mine are old and I think to myself how could that be influencing me now? I can't wait to find out and give them up. Thanks for this thread!!!!!


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Postby TurkTamer » Mon Aug 30, 2010 3:23 pm

I think that many, as I, don't come into this program with "resentments".

It was after time that I understood what a "resentment" was. Vocabulary was not me forte !
Here is a definition of resentment:
a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will. wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
follow link for credits.
Well, hello now! That I did understand because I was pissed off and wanted everyone harmed including myself....

If you haven't already done so, buy him a dictionary as well and have him look the words up. I didn't like it but it sure helped. Best of all -thank you for carrying the message and continuing to ask for help.

God bless[/quote]

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