4th Step Question

[SoberBob]

Thanks again for all the help with the third step... I got a lot from your sharing of experience, strength and hope!

I got together with my sponsor yesterday and am beginning my 4th step work now. I have the forms and I'm diving in with much anticipation- I've been in a number of meetings lately where we've been covering Step 4 in the Big Book and in the 12 and 12 too, and I'm looking forward to getting the relief I know will result from completing step 4 and 5. On to my question-

I want to make sure I'm as thorough and honest as possible- as I'm setting down names of people that I have resentments against, I'm coming up with some where I *think* I should have some to list beside their names, but I'm coming up short...

An example would be my first wife. Our marriage ended in 1995 and lasted only 3 years. I can remember some of the things that we fought about, and some of the problems we had, but I'm not feeling particularly upset by any of them anymore. (I should note that it was my decision to leave her... so I'm sure she'd have some easy and immediate things to list beside my name were the roles reversed. I should also note that I wasn't drinking for the last 2 1/2 years of our marriage- I was "dry" but not working any program. So my memories of the end are clear and not complicated by blackouts, etc.)

Of course, as I'm typing this, things are coming back that used to really make me angry and upset, so maybe I have some to list next to her name after all...

But the specifics of that example aside, is it possible that there are things in the past that I've already let go of and honestly, legitimately don't need to list? Or, should I assume that I'm a really bad judge of these things and err on the side of listing everything that ever made me angry and upset, no matter how long ago and how minor it seemed?

I want and need to be honest and thorough with this, and I'm not trying to leave stuff off to make the process go faster. I'll devote however much time it takes to do this right. I've heard and read enough to convince me that taking shortcuts on any of the steps is a bad (even fatal) idea...

I'll talk about this with my sponsor tonight when I see him at our home group, but I wanted to get some other thoughts from y'all. Thanks in advance!

[Dallas]

Of course, as I'm typing this, things are coming back that used to really make me angry and upset, so maybe I have some to list next to her name after all...

Once we get the pen on the paper... AND start writing... things usually start to flow. We don't have to list everything -- as long as we're not trying to avoid, hide or deny something. And, anything that has energy on it... be sure to list that.

[GeoffS]

Hi Soberbob,

Remember our step 4 is supposed to be thorough and fearless. We can only be as thorough and fearless as we honestly can be today.

If we forget stuff (forget not leave out!!!) we can bring it up when it comes up.

Remember we don't get just the one shot at these steps, we get to practice these principles in all our affairs, as long as we keep sucking air!!

[SoberBob]

Thanks, guys- helpful stuff already!

Dallas, I put her on the list... her name came up, and as I was writing the pen decided she belonged there...

Geoff- thanks, you're right, I have to keep remembering it's not the only shot I get at this. As long as it's FORGET not "Leave off intentionally", I'm OK.

Whew, back to writing a little then off to the home group.