Keith, I enjoyed reading your experience. Thanks for sharing.
I neglected him to get my sobriety. I was a hypocrite claiming to walk the walk. I was NOT practicing the principles in ALL my affairs.
I used to say that to myself. It was part of my insanity. The insanity was not neglecting anyone -- the insanity was thinking "it's all about me and what I've done."
They say, that the Carpenter once said:
Let the dead bury the dead. Follow me and I will make you fishers of men.
If He did say this, he said it in relationship to a problem that happened in their family. Someone died. They wanted to go attend to that.
Blaming ourselves and finding fault with ourselves -- is not the same as taking responsibility, being accountable, and continued self-analysis.
Blaming myself and finding fault w/ myself -- especially, when grown kids are concerned -- relates to my sick thinking, when I'm thinking sick.
My life at home as a kid sucked. I ran away from home and never went back when I was 13. I got jobs. I worked. I survived and made a life for myself. I didn't blame my parents or anyone else -- for my problems. I simply set out to solve my problems. I got into a lot of trouble. But, it wasn't my family or childhood that caused me to get into trouble. I was "doing" stuff that got me into trouble. My parents weren't doing stuff that got me in trouble. If the Life fits -- we've got to aquit... acquit ourselves for what we percieve to be someone elses results based on us.
I had an older brother that died of my sickness a couple years back. He spent his entire life blaming others. He never got it. Maybe he should have left home at 13. Instead, he grew up to be an old guy that stayed home... looking for parents to support, etceteras.
My oldest son is the same way. Except he did leave home. And, still blames me for all his problems. I used to wonder -- if he blames me for all his problems -- then, why doesn't he give me credit for his successes???
My suggestion to anyone reading this is: stop blaming yourself. That's the "self-destructive" work of a negative-Ego. It the Ego can't take you up -- it will take you down. The Ego always wants to separate you one way or the other, to keep you apart from, yourself and others. Up or down, but never at the level of truth.
You offered amends and did what you could to make amends. That's over. Let it go and get on with the good life, and with being a fisher of men and women. Let the dead bury the dead. There is nothing that you can do to stop it or control it or to fix it. Only they can do that for themeselves.
The Prodigal Son was willing to leave the pig pen -- to go home. Once he left the pig pen -- he was welcomed. But, he wan't welcomed while he was still living in the pig pen.
We often do a greater dis-service to friends & family... by getting into the pig pen w/ them... to try and pull them out. It doesn't work that way. It only gets us both deeper in the mud.
An early lesson I learned in AA was "family cannot help family"... when it comes to our sickness. It requires someone other than us to help them, if it takes another to help them. I think God designed it this way. You see, if we spent all our time trying to fix our family -- we would only be busy trying to fix our families. That's selfish. We wouldn't reach out to "others" that we could be helping.