- Such a mess

Such a mess




Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

Such a mess

Postby maryal » Sun Apr 25, 2010 6:13 am

Hi everyone, I just registered on this site, I think its great. I really need some help as my life is such a mess. I first went to AA meetings 14 years ago and stayed sober for 18 months before getting angry about something at one of the meetings and deciding I could do it on my own. Of course, that didn't work.

Since then I've moved countries with my family and although there is a great AA network where I am living now, I just can't STAY sober. I have got to 2 years twice, but the last 4 years I just keep relapsing after a few months. I really want to go back to the meetings here, but I feel they are so sick of me coming in and out! I feel so ashamed and such a failure. I emailed my old sponsor but she just ignored me, so I feel awkward about going back, but my drinking now is so bad, if I don't I will die. Last night I drank 3 bottles of wine.

I have a higher power and I keep praying that he will keep me sober, but then I find some stupid excuse and pick up again. My mad head is taking me over and I'm really scared.

How can I get out of this hell and stay sober for good?
maryal
 
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Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 5:19 am
Location: Spain

Postby DiggerinVA » Mon Apr 26, 2010 1:51 am

Well The answer is too simple. That is to simply work the Twelve Steps. They are simple principles that when applied, they work wonders.

I just spent a evening with a friend full of fear. 31 years in and out of the rooms. Asking why. The why was simple answer, a few months ago they quit doing the daily work (10 and 11) and fear slipped back in and down they went. It was tough to watch; but the warnings were not heeded. Hopefully the lesson was learned this time.

So do the work and the rest will take care of it self. The meeting become fun then.
DiggerinVA
 
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Postby maryal » Mon Apr 26, 2010 2:41 pm

Thanks for the replies. I went to a meeting today and got a new sponsor. Starting the steps from scratch. Thanks again.
maryal
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 5:19 am
Location: Spain

Postby Dallas » Tue Apr 27, 2010 4:25 am

Hello Maryal, welcome to the site! Glad you found us because I believe that we can help.

Relapse is not a prerequisite for recovery: with that said...

I understand -- partially. My first time into AA, I stayed sober for 5 1/2 months and then went back to drinking. I didn't want to go back to drinking. I wanted to stay sober. And, I thought I was doing everything right so that I would stay sober. It was almost as if unconsciously -- a choice was made for me -- to return to drinking. That was my experience. And, it was this experience that started really convincing me of "what it means to be Powerless over the next first drink!"

For five months, while I was still drinking and couldn't plug the jug and not drink -- I went back to AA over and over and over and over again. I desparately wanted sobriety!!! I wanted to -- not drink! But, even with AA's help... I couldn't do it.

That is what finally convinced me -- that my problem is not alcohol -- my problem is alcohol-ism.

Our first step in recovery -- is to become convinced -- totally, that we are real alcoholics. And, our results in trying to recover will not last long -- if, we haven not totally convinced ourselves of this fact.

If you, like me, are a real alcoholic -- it does not matter how much you want sobriety and how much you want to not drink... you will drink again... over and over and over again... with not much hope to recover, unless you find a way to raise your bottom and convince yourself that you are a real alcoholic.

That's the first step. And, we must practice this First Step every single day of our lives... while we are doing the rest of the Steps... Even after the obsession to drink gets removed from us, as a result of the Step work -- we must still continually practice the First Step every day and every moment through out the day.... until it becomes engraved in our brain that -- yes, a drink might be good -- good enough to kill us because it's poison to us.

Keep coming back. There is help here and its available to you. It has been nearly 23 1/2 years since my last drink. So, if I don't have to drink -- then, you can do what I did -- and you will not ever have to drink again, either!

Best regards,

Dallas
Dallas
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Postby maryal » Thu Apr 29, 2010 2:23 pm

Hi, thanks for all your helpful posts.

Just wanted to let you know I am 5 days sober today, and have got to a meeting every day. My new sponsor is great, very positive and fun, I forgot how enjoyable being sober could be!

Dallas, it makes sense to me now that even though I kept doing the steps over and over these last few years, I hadn't accepted step one - i still had it in the back of my head that somehow, some way, I could control my drinking. It is a huge relief to me that I have realised I can't ever control it, it just gets worse and worse, so there's no point continuing to punish myself, just accept it and get on with recovery.

It really helped me too Keith, with what you wrote, the bit about us all needing each other - but mostly the bit you wrote about God really doesn't think I'm that special and just might let me die next time I pick up a drink.
I don't want to die. I want to be sober and happy.

You've all helped me so much.

Thanks again.
maryal
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 5:19 am
Location: Spain

Postby Dallas » Thu Apr 29, 2010 7:13 pm

Congrats on your 5 days Maryal!!! Hopes and wishes for many more to come!!!

Dallas
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Postby maryal » Wed May 26, 2010 3:12 pm

Just wanted to let you know I got my one month chip on Monday. Thanks everyone for pointing me in the right direction. Am doing great, emotions very raw at times, but I am getting to a meeting every day and working with my sponsor. Thanks again, the difference in how I feel today compared to when I first posted on here, well I can;t put it into words, its so amazing. Thanks.
maryal
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 5:19 am
Location: Spain

Postby Dallas » Wed May 26, 2010 11:08 pm

Thanks for checking in! Congrats! And, keep coming back!
Dallas
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Postby Bensober » Sun Jun 06, 2010 9:32 am

Hey Mayral,
Just checkin in! Hope in sobriety...you "found what you were lookin for in the bottle" and don't have to return. If not keep seeking the support that works for you. The meetings and "sis-fellowship" is as said just part of seeing this. AA has tought me to choose to live in love and not fear. All negative emotions come out of "the fear choice" all positive relationships and emotions come from "the love choice"! Congrats on this day at a time.

Ben H.
Bensober
 
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Postby Ranman99 » Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:35 am

Good luck Maryal. It took me many years to work this thing with the attitude that it finally was able to work me.

Today is a good day but I keep it top of mind and I reach out and talking very honestly with my sponsor and a few other blokes around the fellowship.

I'm not the best judge of when I am off the beam so I developed an openness with a few special people and it is saving my sorry behind one day at a time.

I love it when I recieve gifts from the universe that I could never have planned because I did not know they existed.

I don't like it when I start stomping around and knocking the utensils off my high chair :wink:

Remember that step 10 basically says we work all these suggestions every day and then things happen to work out.

Keep the faith :P
Ranman99
 
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