- Please help

Please help




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

Please help

Postby clarity » Thu Jun 03, 2010 3:01 pm

I was in a realtionship with an addict for two years and had no idea how bad it was last april I broke up with him because things were just not right and i knew something had been wrog for quite some time at that time i however did not know how bad he was. In September of 2009 he went into rehab and april through that time we still kept in touch so when he came to me about his problem I was so very happy he was getting help anyway we kept in touch the whole time he was in rehab and I went to visit him on his visitation days about a week before his release date his counselor called me and we talked for quite some time about how he really needed to focus on his recovery and that he would never get better if he didn't so when he got out he automatically wanted to get back together but because of what his counselor had said I told him no matter what I loved him I wasn't going anywhere and that I wanted the best for him he stayed with a friend of his for two month while he waited to get into a clean and sober house and again we were together whenever i could get over to see him as he was in a different city, he pushed very hard for us to get back together and well I again tried to asure him how much i loved him how proud I was but that he was doing so well and that he had all the meetings and support where he was. But i was not going anywhere. In December he finally got into a clean and sober house and I was so excited because he just seemed so much better, he started his thirty day curfew no staying out of the house etc. but they made an exception for him to come home for christmas at that time I found out I was pregnant and was very freaked out on how it would effect him so i waited to say anything when he went back to the clean and sober house they told him he would need to start his thirty days almost over which I felt was good because it would give me time to get further along and him as well in his steps. Anyway the whole time I was so worried i guess I pushed myself away a tad and in February I told him he really didn't say to much then a week later i had to call and tell him they couldn't find a heartbeat and thought I had lost the baby he was actually relieved which made me feel bad but i also understood two days later I went back in and they did an ultrasound and told me they were wrong so I called him back and told him he then kinda freaked out told me we should not keep the baby he wasn't ready he had to much to deal with he didn't want to be with me or deal with the baby so we kinda didn't talk for a bit then I went to visit and we had a heart to heart he told me he really needed to focus on himself and that he didn't want to be together or in any relationship because he needed to figure himself out and work on his steps which I totally understood I told him I was there to support him and that I wanted what was best for both him and I and that i understood he was neewly sober after seven years and that I was happy he was finally thinking about himself getting better we still talked everyday and he came to the first few dr. appts then in march he told me he was on his fourth step and wanted to complete the 12 steps before our son was born I told him I thought that if he could do that without it being to short a period of time I would support him and the whole time I really just wanted to tell him to come home we can be a family but I knew I wanted him better so to speak. Now he is still on his fourth step and in a new relationship with a girl and he says she makes him happy and again I am trying to be supportive. The problem is this his family pays all his bills he has no responsabilty except for his job and I am very worried, I know part of my problem is being upset he is in a new relationship but its not just that I feel like he is so different and I just wan thim to be ok and continue doing things the right way. I know its not my path and whatever he does is his choice but I don't understand what he is going through and why he has started acting the way he has. Any response would help I know this is long winded.
Thank you so much for reading and listening.
clarity
 
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Joined: Thu Jun 03, 2010 2:32 pm
Location: Yakima

Postby Dallas » Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:55 pm

I know its not my path and whatever he does is his choice but I don't understand what he is going through and why he has started acting the way he has. Any response would help....


Welcome to the site, Clarity! I wish you the best!!!

Any response??? :wink: If I were you -- my respnse would be:

1. I would want to forget the idea of trying to understand him. It's a waste of valuable time that I could be using on myself.

2. I'd be thinking of myself and the baby. And, using my time to better understand myself -- and understand the responsibility of being a single parent.... and using my time to better prepare and support us.

3. I'd forget about him -- and move on.

4. I'd make a firm decision "not to do that again with anyone."

That's what my response would be. My question to you, would be... what is your response going to be?

Yesterday is history -- tomorrow is mystery -- and all that I really have is RIGHT NOW. There isn't anything I can do -- to go back in the past and change the past.

The past is done. But, the past is only complete for me... when I wake up to the NOW. Until I wake up to the past being the past -- I'm still living in the past. And, if I'm living in the past -- there is nothing I can to to change it or make it better or different. It will always be what it was... the past. If the past was miserable or had problems -- my NOW will be miserable and full of problems -- because I'm living in my past.

Tomorrow isn't here. Tomorrow may never be here. If there is a tomorrow, and I'm still living in my past today -- my tomorrow will be nothing different than my today. Miserable and full of the same old same old problems.

However, if I make a decision, and stick with it, to live in the RIGHT NOW and keep my head out of the crap-ola of the past -- and out of the wish-full thinkings of tomorrow -- I can be busy right NOW... doing something that will make tomorrow different -- if there is a tomorrow.

I don't know if my response will be helpful to you. My guess is: it won't. But, it will somehow, be helpful to me, and much more helpful to me -- than it will be for you. So, I thank you for asking -- because without your question -- I would have no response -- and without my response, I would fail at getting help today. :lol:

My heart goes out to you. I understand both sides of the fence in those kinds of difficulties. I was once a practicing addict, an alcoholic -- and also a new alcoholic in recovery. And, I was also once, a single parent. And, the partner of a couple of others -- that I caused to be single parents. Regardless of which side the fence your on, or what your role is -- it sucks. That was my experience. But, I got on with my life. While living in the PRESENT the NOW, I did what I could to make amends for the past -- without living in the past. I can't say that it helped anyone very much -- other than, it helped me, to make the amends. It didn't change anything. I just felt cleaner inside for offering to do what I could to make things right... without going back into the past and trying to change it.

Regardless of where you are at today... Today, is the first of one of the last days of your life. If you knew, that this was the last day of your life -- what would you do? And, what would you do different today? I believe that this is the KEY to having a beautiful tomorrow -- if I have a tomorrow. The reason I believe that is -- this is what I did yesterday. And, I see, now that I'm doing it again, today -- how much of a better start it gave me today.

Keep coming back. If I can help -- I'm here for you. Hopefully, if I can find a way to be of help to you -- it will help me to rub out some of the record of my own past.

Best wishes,

Dallas
Dallas
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Wow

Postby clarity » Thu Jun 03, 2010 5:51 pm

I thank you and I am very focused on being a single mother I feel very blessed. I love him very much and I want him to be involved as much as possible he is a good man. I know I cannot change the past and that I cannot change him. I do know I need to let go and move on but when you have been through all we have I don't want to give up or stop hoping.
clarity
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jun 03, 2010 2:32 pm
Location: Yakima

Postby Dallas » Mon Jun 07, 2010 2:10 am

I understand. It isn't easy. Keep coming back!

Dallas
Dallas
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4781
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA


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