Looking for experience and suggestions for sponsee/racism

[Cyrusromeo]

Hi, folks. I've been here a few times looking for ideas for topics, etc. I would love some help with a sponsee. We are in Minnesota, she is a tiny, thin black woman who is often thought to be a young black boy. She is 37 and an absolute sweetheart. She is from L.A. and been here for a couple of years. She has had 3 ugly run ins that were all about profiling and racism, the 3rd was an arrest for test riding a bike (she fixes them) in a police parking lot... Really scary. I round her a free counseling center and the depression is lifting. The bottom line is I'm a white woman in America and while I despise racism, I don't experience it.

I want to help her step 3 it. A 4th is certainly coming. I am looking for suggestions on helping her sort through the third step... And looking for something to balance the negative feelings so they don't overwhelm her.
Thank you so, so much... I know I will find guidance here.

[Ranman99]

Dang. Not nice. I know there are probably a few great inspirational stories around. You can share with her one of mine.

I'm a white bloke from Canada. My wife is Canadian Chinese and my daughter is adopted Malaysian Chinese. We happen to be blessed to have an Indonesian helper. I'm a minority in my own home and in most countries I travel to as I live in Singapore.

It's good for me. Though I do get treated well for the most part. My wife has told me her stories of growing up as a visible minority in Canada and I have to admit I was one of those insensitive white kids that would have teased kids like her.

Today when I'm chatting within someone who gets off on the race track and says something about a certain people. I always respond that I used to feel that way too about the blue people and then just watch them shut up.

I get a little upset when I go back to Canada and hear any racist nonsense. What can you say about ignorant people.

A really good book that transcends the entire theme is Awareness by Anthony De Mello.

Sorry not much help but I empathise

[Dallas]

I heard that a famous guy once said, "as thou believest -- so be it unto you." Or, in slang... "whatever way you believe it is -- it's that way for you." I'm a white guy -- and I know what, I guess they would call reverse-racism and racism is. I've been the minority. So, I don't think racism has anything to do with color or race. It has to do with fear and anger -- insecurity and Ego. Stinking thinking. And, regardless of color or race -- our 12 Steps cuts to the bone with some soul surgery. And, once we get through that soul surgery we straigten out.

I don't understand what the obstacles would be to take her through the Steps. Why would there be any?

a. God doesn't have a race or color.

b. If we're God's kids... we don't have a race or color either. Even though we're always acting and talking like we do. (That's our Ego doing that). If one of us is God's kids -- then all of us are. And, if one of us ain't... then none of us are.

c. Are we both alcoholic?

d. Is our blood red?

e. Are we both alive?

Then, get to work.

Best wishes,

Dallas

[Cyrusromeo]

Hi, I think there is a bit of confusion. There is no trouble between she and I, or the steps, or within AA. It's her discouragement and frustration over racism around her. I know Step 3 is the answer (at least in part) but I'm not sure how to go about helping her work it in this situation. I despise racism and it hurts me to see it happen to her. Too much powerlessness in some situations is overwhelming...

[Ranman99]

Ya it's a real drag for sure. The racism/ignorance will always be there but if she makes the right moves it can't affect her.

After the steps we move towards some form of enlightenment one day at a time;-)

I ain't no saint but I can practice a bit of what they do;-) Those actions are how I continue to make progress and grow. If I don't grow a little bt on average every month I know which direction I will head. I'll be blaming the Inuit for showing up with a bottle in the Greenland ice cap (notice how I said Inuit). Canadians know that sort of thing.

I don't have a thing against Inuit never had and hope I will hope they keep away from me with their booze

I just finsihed the book I mentioned "Awareness". It is going to help me make my amends to my parents in a few weeks. It was quite good some of what is referenced in it can also be worth a look. Not program stuff of course but part of the spiritual growth agenda.

LOL

[Cyrusromeo]

I'm going to look into the book. Who's the author in case I have trouble?

[Dallas]

Maybe... I slept too late.

What race is the President of the United States????? Because he did the work necessary to pull it off.

"If" racism is the problem -- "then" how did he get elected?

"If" he can become President -- "then" she can achieve and maintain sobriety -- regardless of race or racism.... if she is willing to pull it off.

How is her excuses (I call them excuses... I'm not as sympathetic) any different than those that can't get sober because of the IRS, Religion, Church, Lack of a spouse, too much money, not enough money, worse-off than some, not-as-bad as some, because they're gay, because they're not gay, because they are white, because they are not white, and the list goes on and on and on and on.

What has she done in her life -- to be a positive example for change?

What has she done in her life -- to make the world a better place for ALL people?

Those are the questions I would ask her.

I believe, based upon my experience of self, and with working with numerous others that: these are resentments, angers, fears, and excuses.

They are rooted in "old ideas" (as explained at the bottom of page 85, BB), and until a person becomes absolutely willing -- to let go of their old ideas -- absolutely -- then, their results will be nil, and any and all of your efforts to help them will be nil.

My next question would be: "Do you want to get over drinking... or continue to be doomed to die a miserable death, as a practicing alcoholic -- simply because you are not willing to change your mind about "racism?"

Then, let her choose. If she's willing to do that -- I'd be willing to help her. If she's not willing -- I would encourage her to continue to seek help from someone else -- that may be more understanding to her "feelings."

She has to come to the realization that "the world and racism" is not her problem -- "she... her Ego, her self-centeredness, selfishness," is her problem that prevents her from recovering from alcoholism.

How, is that "selfish" or "self-centered"??? Because "it's ALL about me" or "ALL about them" (so that it can be: "ALL about me").

You may not like them, and neither would she... but, those are my ideas.

Best wishes for you and for her. It is possible for us to become "too understanding and too sympathetic" with those that we're trying to help -- that we lose all credibility and effectiveness at helping them. We can't buy into their excuses. Our book is very clear about this... Let every alcoholic know that they can recover "IF"... they are willing to do the work and IF "THEY" are willing to change -- regardless of the sad state of the nations, world, or what we have or don't have.

Dallas

[Cyrusromeo]

You make some good points and I appreciate them. Especially relating Obama's journey. Just to note, she is coming up on 3 years so she's not looking to excuse anything she is just overwhelmed by the number of scary incidents.

[Ranman99]

Hey Cyrusromeo,

Just a question and to be honest just checking in while I try to get work done so I may miss some of the plot.

It sounded to me like this person is in an environment/situation/lifestyle etc. or some scary crap keeps coming a long.

A bit like me trying to live in a certain place where mere survival would be a challenge.

What actions can she take to get out of that environment? Can she have a goal of more education or more spiritual development or go to India and hang in an Ashram for a year and try and see what her life's calling is.

You know check her inventory, re-work the steps with the intent of not living in a scary environment any more and make a list of possibilities. With the intent of using our basic spiritual tools to find out where the block is.

I think you see where I am going with this. I guess from my own experience with the booze and my alcoholism I was trapped into so many things that I thought I needed to do or that there was no way out from. I'm re-doing the steps for the third time in my life and I have a very clear goal on some items that are still in stock and low and behold a few little monkies popped out from under the bed that I forgot were even there. Dang little pesky, naughty little critters

Some of what I lost through drinking I actually needed to loose I just went about it in the wrong way and cuased much more extra damage than I needed. In some cultures collateral damage is called murder.

Some of those things that I lost were the lies I was telling myself that I did not realise I was even telling myself. I'm usually never a good judge of where I am at that's why I have a sponsor saying all the time what are your motives? What are your motives?

Today I'm not a victim of anything except myself. Repeatedly.

I still have a dang good job of seperating fantasy from reality but I keep it top of mind. Somewhere it's all on my list.

As I have heard so many times in AA if I keep hanging out in barber shops eventually I will wind up getting a hair cut

Racism will not go away. At least probably not during our life times in this body I mean a great yet very dangerous experience for a white American alkie is to go to Dubai get plastered and act like an arse. You will see a new reality. That is if you don't get taken out to the desert.

Anywho just two more cents