- Getting over being dumped

Getting over being dumped




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

Getting over being dumped

Postby onehappydad » Fri Jun 11, 2010 10:26 pm

Recently, my girlfriend ended our two year relationship. We had been "engaged" but that depended on who she was talking to in certain situations. This woman and I met while Ii was drinking, stayed with me while I went into rehab, attended open meetings, even attended Alonon and Coda meetings.
A few weeks before the breakup, she started acting different, stopped coming over, then ended the relationship stating it was her, not me. That she had to discover herself and why she made the choices sin her life, including me.
I normally would have cried, drank, etc.Instead, I told her that all I wanted after all she did for me was to be happy.
But what di I do with the pain and unanswered questions in my mind????
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Postby Dallas » Sat Jun 12, 2010 10:03 am

Hello onehappydad! And, welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing.

I understand because I identify and relate. Been there done that, kind of relating and identifying. For me... it sucked! :wink:

I could write a bunch on this topic -- but, I'll try to restrain tonge and type -- and hopefully keep to what's most important now.

For me, what was most important was:

1. The feelings were literally driving me nuts and it felt like it was literally killing me. Physically, I dropped 30 pounds the first month. Couldn't even think about eating because just thinking about eating -- made me feel like I wanted to puke.

2. As an alcoholic, drinking or sober -- I'm hyper-sensitive. And, unfortunately for me... sober... I'm way more hyper-sensitive. (One of the reasons alcohol was so self-medicating for me was -- in high enough quantities, it could numb my feelings -- so it became my solution -- before it became my problem).

3. I had a tremendous desire to stay sober -- and -- stay alive. :wink:

4. I wasn't very happy -- to say the least.

5. I had to find a solution -- that did not include alcohol or drugs.

6. Prayer and begging God to help me, did help -- but, it wasn't helping enough and it wasn't helping fast enough -- if I didn't find relief soon, I'd surely die, or drink again. And, for me, to drink -- was to die.

What I did to get through it:

1. I used anything and everything that I could find -- other than alcohol or drugs to help me get through it. And, I had no guilt about whatever it was and I didn't play any mind games w/ myself. For me, I was determined to do whatever it took -- to get through it sober.

2. I had discovered "why" AA works. So, I made it a high-priority of "knowing"... that "whatever I do -- it must be something that I can pass on to someone else to help them get through it when it's there turn, and I must pass it on to them." That was a nudge, that helped me take my thinking from "self-centered" to "others-centered." And, the reason that helped, I believe, was: it helped take my mind off of me and my problem, and that was automatically bringing relief. But, I still needed more...

3. I re-took... (not practiced -- not worked at it... but "took")... the 12 Steps, using it as: The problem is: my emotional pain -- I can't handle it and it made me crazy -- and I was unable to carry out daily tasks in life because of it (my life was unmanageable).

So, Step 1, for me became:

Step 1: "I admitted I was Powerless over my feelings -- my feelings and my thinking about me and my feelings and my pain and 'the other person' made my life unmanageable."

Step 2: "I was nuts... crazy, lost, bewildered, confused, insane... and I didn't believe anything was going to help, but I was willing to 'give it a try' and use the 12 Steps on it... hoping... that it 'might' help to restore me to sanity. (My honest version of: 'came to believe'). Hoping that the 12 Steps, and using them... would become a Power Greater than myself... because my prayers and God, just didn't seem to be acting fast enough! :lol:

I was a bit angry at God at the time. I couldn't see it then, but later in the process I discovered it. How can someone honestly turn their 'will and their lives' over to the care of something... that they are angry with? And, something that they believe, hasn't helped much... in this particular situation?' I couldn't -- and I still can't. But, what I can do is: to be honest.... and most honest w/ myself. So, for Step 3, it became:

Step 3: I made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of -- the 12 Steps. (That became a life-saver for me, having to do it that way, because it made it clear to me that... 'Faith without works is dead"... if I don't take these actions, it doesn't matter what I believe, because it won't help!)

Step 4: I used our 4th Step (like this: www.step12.com/step-4.html ) as my guide to a Personal Inventory -- that I centered mostly on: The Relationship. Her. And, what I was feeling over her and the relationship).

Steps 5-7: No modifications there. Just like the BB instructs.

Step 8: My list of "everyone that had been harmed" by my feelings, actions, and my relationship -- with here... and her. I also, (and very rarely will I do this) included myself on this amends list, because what I intended by including myself -- was to make changes so that I would never do this again the way I did it previously.

Steps 9 - 11, No changes.

Step 12: Only modification was: "carry this message to others that are hurting like I was"

-------------------

Why I believe it worked for me:

It changed my perception. I began looking at it from a different angle. And, once my perception had been "transformed" it changed my attitude and my thinking -- and the change in perception, attitude and thinking -- was the solution that changed my feelings.

Sorry if this reply is too long! Sorry to my fingers, too! They hurt now from all this typing! :lol: :lol: I hope it helps.

Dallas
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Postby ShanaeW » Fri Dec 31, 2010 1:21 am

I recently ended a relationship that really ended months ago. (Doesn't really make sense huh?| I have been involved with this man for two years. I was not intimate with him for over six months (trying to do something different) I expected the relationship to grow especially after being intimate. Then about three months ago he told me he no longer wanted to pursue the relationship. he said because he didn't want the resposibility of a big family (I have four kids) I really appreciate him telling me how he felt but it hurt a lot.Well, I say we can still be friends, but I didnt stop being intimate with him. He started taking another woman out while being intimate with me. I accepted this until 3 days ago when I ended it all of it. Now, he acts like he doesnt care :cry: I feel like I was dumped I am hurt disappointed and angry. I ended it because it was hurting me being in it,however it still hurts maybe worse. I have made a meeting everyday for two weeks which has helped but when I get home I'm feeling down. I feel used and dumb. I know what part I played in it (I'm mad about that) anywho your post has helped me to remember to put the program to work on this situation.
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Postby Dallas » Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:25 am

Welcome to the site Shanae. Any time is a difficult time for people like us to deal with hurt feelings and disappointments. However, this particular time of the year -- seems to make them double difficult. And, it can become a double-binding Catch 22.

1. We didn't get what we wanted -- nor what we felt that we deserved.

2. This hurt our feelings and left us disappointed.

3. Our natural reaction will be to point our fingers at the other person involved -- because we are already hurting and "who" really wants to admit that our own thinking and our actions placed us in a position to be hurt? Even though our motives and intentions may have been great -- we ended up stepping on our foot while someone else was stepping on our toes. :wink:

4. And, what's the next natural reaction for people like us? (Alkies?) ... "Heck! I'll never do that again! -- I'm finished! It's over! -- I'll do it different next time! ... and here's how I'll modify it a little bit, and this time -- it really will be different, and I can control and enjoy it!" :lol: :lol:

5. Then, a little differently -- we repeat the same thing that we did the other time -- kind of like "switching beer for wine" in our efforts to produce different results so that we can control and enjoy it! And, it backfires -- we're hurt all over again -- plus we never got over the other times we were hurt -- so now, we're really burned up! And, hurting too!

6. So, what do we do? We try it again! :lol:

I'm convinced that sometimes we get a little bit more than nuts! We get insane! :lol: And, in our state of "unsound-ness of thinking" ... we do more thinking... and thinking and thinking... and then we start talking to ourselves!

Imagine this: An insane person walks up to us and tells us all kinds of insane stuff! And, what do we do? We listen to them! :lol: Which is, precisely the same thing that we are doing with ourselves -- when we're upset or hurt! :wink:

We can't do much about it -- until the fog of insanity and hurt feelings clears. The best we can do is try to get into a safe place w/ some safe friends (a meeting, or a get-together w/ sober people) -- and let our heels cool and the swelling of our bruises to go down.

For me -- the only way I've discovered that I can accomplish this is -- just like I did when I got sober. I plugged the jug. So, I have to "plug the relationship jug" the same way -- stay completely away from it -- until the fog has cleared and my sanity has returned enough to see things differently. To make an honest appraisal. And, to come up w/ a healthy plan of action.

My heart & thoughts go out to you -- because I understand. The feelings suck. The reality sucks. The solution is always so simple but it sure isn't easy!

But, wouldn't you be more grateful to know that you ended it early -- or, it ended you early -- rather than be in a relationship for 5, 10, 15 years -- and then, discover all that stuff had been going on all along -- but you couldn't see it?

Sometimes we pick bad apples. And, that's okay. That's normal. What isn't normal is to reach in and pick a bad apple and then hope that someway we can turn it into a good orange! It isn't going to happen. The longer we hang on to the bad apple the more it rots the other things in our lives until soon -- nothing is worth keeping or having!

I'm wishing the best for you!

Dallas
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Postby sunlight » Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:15 pm

My heart goes out to you, Shanae.

You brought me back to my first relationship in sobriety. It broke my heart, made me crazy and nearly got me killed.

I'd seen the warning signs early on, (like I did with alcohol) but I'd convinced myself that this was my reward for getting sober :roll: , my new life, my dream come true. And yes, the sex was great! :wink:
Plus I was going to show that ex-husband that I was beautiful and desireable to a man. :twisted:

It's a miracle I didn't drink. I kept close to the fellowship and poured my heart out in meetings. I kept in contact with friends & outside activities. So when the relationship bottomed out, I had a safety net to soften the blow.

I also found a woman who had been in my situation and she invited me to take the steps, using him in place of alcohol. It got me free! And I try to help other women today who are trapped like I was.

It still hurt like hell for a long time. Then I heard a man, who had been through a painful divorce, say in a meeting, "First it gets bearable, then it gets better."

I lived to see the truth of that.
And to forgive myself for my self-will run riot again! :oops:

Today I do not ignore red flags in a relationship. And my experience has been: when a man tells you or shows you he's not into you, it usually means he's not into you! :!: Sex at this point only prolongs the agony.

Today, I am not afraid of relationships! They are my classroom and a beautiful opportunity to give and receive the good in life. But I now ask myself "Where is God in this?"

If I have to send out a search party, I need to get out the pen & paper & SOS ( seek out sponsor ). :lol:

Thank you for sharing! :D
Last edited by sunlight on Fri Dec 31, 2010 6:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Dallas » Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:58 pm

Sunlight wrote:I also found a woman who had been in my situation and she invited me to take the steps, using him in place of alcohol. It got me free! And I try to help other women today who are trapped like I was.


Thanks, for sharing Sunlight. That's the absolute best solution that I know of, too! It works.

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Postby mimi » Mon Feb 07, 2011 2:32 am

I've just been reading this thread and drawn so much from it. I am very heartbroken right now and I will use the advice here and apply the steps to try to heal from this. thank you.
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