I don't like talking about others even if I keep it anonymous. But I do have another AA sister who has currently been going through a DUI case. Thought I might share what's happening to her. Might be encouraging to you. It's up to you how you take it. She's a wonder to me, much like the honor of watching your trip.
This girl (sorry - I'm old and she's younger than me. To this Texas boy, she's a girl
) ... Anyway, this girl came to our group about 60 days ago with her court-ordered meeting log sheet to be signed.
At that time, there was a Step12.com discussion here about goofy people who come to meeting because of court order and not because they DESIRE to stop drinking. I had my opinion and there were others just as valid.
This girl was totally broken down and very emotional. Afeared for her life as she knew it. She immediately shared her fear and her conviction that "This is enough. I've had it. Something's got to change. And I'm convinced it's got to be my drinking that has to go. How in hell do y'all do it??!!!" (pretty much like that).
Incredible sincerity and humiliation. SOOOOO beat down.
she kept coming back, not to get her sheet signed, but to save her life. She immediately got a sponsor and has grilled everyone for their experience, strength, and hope. She caught on quickly, though with great trepidation, that her DUI was a rightful consequence of her drinking. It might not go away. she might get slapped with the max. In Texas, the max is QUITE dramatic for DUIs.
BUT, she was convinced that, no matter what happens, she can stay sober through it IF she does what AA tells her to do AND trusts her Higher Power to do the right thing even if she doesn't like it.
She says that somebody expressed and her HP impressed to her that IF she put's the outcome in God's hands and trusts that whatever the outcome is that she can not only stay sober, but can be a powerful influence of god's grace and power. If she gets out of her delima, it will be by HP's mercy and she will have a powerful testimony of what He can do for anyone. If she goes to jail, she can rest assured that someone she meets there needs her help and she will have a powerful testimony of what He can do for anyone.
I wish everyone could see the light come on in her face. What a wonder !
Since she started comng back, her face has brightenned more every day. Her trial keeps getting delayed. The judge keeps giving her time to prove her change of heart. It's so obvious that she does NOT want to repeat her offence. He's noticed that she's really doing everything she can to change her mind and behavior.
Her probation officer goes to bat for her in court expressing that he's hardly ever seen such a real improvement and effort in any of his "clients". The deal isn't over with yet, but it's so obvious that she really is changing and is not merely trying to stay out of jail.
She's such an encouragement to our group that she has already been chairing the meeting for a this month (60 days sober). She now seems so bright and fearless. She' working the hell out of her steps. She volunteers for everything.
MAN, what a difference !
I'm picking up on the same intensity, self-examination, and humble submission in your story. I went over this thread and it's so obvious from your first post to now that something's in you. MUCH more important that what changes around you.
The thing is that nothing will change around you until something changes in you. Change is from the inside out. Your kind of change can't help but to influence the way people and life treat you. But you first.
That's why it's said that your sobriety is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU HAVE TO DO TODAY. It's the ONLY thing that will change the life around you. You can make it more important to stay out of jail, get your job back, fix your marriage, raise your kids, etc. But, I can promise you that, if you don't stay sober and change your mind and stay spiritually fit, you will lose all those things no matter how hard you work on them.
Sobriety first. JOB ONE.
Trust your Higher Power. He knows what He's doing.
Well, that was really long. But I love the story and it's till unfolding. Stay tuned.
You go, girl !
PS: "Trust in [your HP] with all your heart
Lean not to your own understanding.
In all your ways, acknowledge Him.
And He shall direct your paths."
Works for me.