22 days into sobriety

A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 12:42 pm

22 days into sobriety

Postby jmf7dd » Fri Jul 30, 2010 12:54 pm

I started dating the man I'm currently dating toward the end of May. I didn't make the choice to get sober until July 8th. My question is one of opinion, I know I'm asking for your thoughts and it's not the opinion of others that matters, but we all need a board to sound off to.

I want to know if we can have a successful relationship now that I've chose recovery and he continues to drink. I don't have any issues at this point with his choice and I hope i don't. i'm not nieve to the fact that issues may come up. But i've been very blunt and honest with him since the beginning and continue to do so with my sobriety.

When we met it was totally unexpected, it wasn't at a drinking event or anything of the sort. So the association of that is not there. We did drink together but it was usually me getting ### up and him stayed sober to make sure i was safe.

I just want opinions from people that have lived longer than I have and have more experience on the outlook of sobriety and relationships.

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Postby Dallas » Fri Jul 30, 2010 7:07 pm

jmf7dd wrote:I want to know if we can have a successful relationship now that I've chose recovery and he continues to drink.

Welcome to the site. I'm wishing the best of the best for you - and I hope that you'll find something here that will be of help to you. Also -- contratulations on your sobriety!!! That's awesome! Thanks for participating and thanks for the question.

I may meet your suggested specifics to reply. :lol: I've been alive for many years longer than was predicted or expected -- and I've been sober for way longer than anyone could have ever imagined -- including me! :lol:

Naturally, my opinions are my own and have nothing to do with anything or anyone else -- and they are not the opinions of any particular "recovery program" or AA. They are simply based on my personal experiences.

Dating and Relationship: Two different things.
Sober and Recovery: Two different things.

Dating and Relationship, while not the same, have one thing in common: Most often, (unless it's a dating and a relationship with Self) requires another person.

Sober and Recovery: Recovery ALWAYS requires sober.

If you're alcoholic and want to get better while sober (i.e. recovery) you'll need to make changes in your self. These are "inside your self" changes.

So, the only questions that I've ever had to ask myself -- when I've been in similar situations: 1. Do I want to stay sober? Yes. 2. Do I want to recover? Yes. 3. Can I stay sober -- doing what I'm doing? If the answer is yes -- often I keep doing it. If the answer is no: then I change. 4. Can I recover -- doing what I'm doing? Same thing. Yes, I continue and if no -- I change. And, that's what works for me.

I have seen many more sober women -- than I have seen sober men -- that were able to stay in relationships and stay sober even when the other person was drinking. I don't know why that is other than something particular to being a woman and since I'm not a woman -- I'll probably never know the answer to the difference. One lady, in particular, was kind of like a "Sober Mother" to me... or a "Female once-in-a-while sponsor." She was someone that had stayed sober and lived many years longer than I have, even to this day. (She passed away a couple of years ago). Her situation may have been different. She had been married many years and drank for many years w/ her husband. When she got sober -- he didn't. She enjoyed many years of sober life and love with him -- even though he was alcoholic and continued to drink.

She told me that: "That's bs when they tell you that you can't stay in a relationship and stay sober! And, I speak from experience."

Then, on the other hand -- I've known sober women that have had just the opposite experience. They said they couldn't do it and had to get out of it before it killed them or drove them back to drinking.

I've had two similar experiences like your situation: however, in one, I had been sober for two years, and the other, I had been sober for five years. It didn't seem to threaten my desire to stay sober as much as it effected my desire to live when it came time to part our ways. It was very painful.

The only one that will be able to answer your question for you -- will be you. 1. Do you want to stay sober? 2. Can you stay sober? 3. Will you stay sober? -- doing whatever it is that you're doing. And, one more... 4. Is it worth losing my life over it? The reason I tag on #4 is: Alcoholism nearly always ends up being a fatal condition that kills the alcoholic.

My only suggestion is: try to stay happy and comfortable. If you don't find happiness and being comfortable while sober -- as an alcoholic, you probably won't be able to stay sober. Make whatever changes you need to make when things make you edgy or get you nerved up... or it will push you closer to the next first drink.


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