Constitutionally incapable of being honest

Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober
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Constitutionally incapable of being honest

Postby hosterman1975 » Mon Aug 02, 2010 2:56 pm

Hi folks,

My name is Brian and I am an Alco/addict, and i have been struggling for sometime in getting sober. I am currently going to AA and have a sponser, but despite all of this I have had trouble maintaining an level of sobriety In the last year and a half the best i have been able to accomplish is 23 days sober. I am very worried about losing all of the tings that are precious to me like my wife, kids, job etc...

Despite my deep desire to get straight, I find that I cannot. I know for a fact that I cannot have even one drink,l because to drink one leads me to more drinking or using drugs! I know this with out a doubt in my mind, but yet when that craving hits, i am so good at lying to myself that I believe it when i tell myself that this time i will just have one. I fear that I am one of those unfortunates who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself or others.

I just dont know how to do it, every time i try there is something that keeps me from letting go completely to the program. I know that I have to get a handle on this or i will lose everything, but i just dont know what to do.

I hate this, I want to be free.

Larry H.
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Joined: Sun Aug 01, 2010 7:55 pm

Re. Constitutionally Incapable of being Honest

Postby Larry H. » Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:15 pm


That statement is sometimes used as an excuse by Alcoholics like me. I wondered when I came in if that was me. It wasn't and I have seldom seen a person that is constitutionally incapable of being honest.

Welcome Back to AA You have made it back which means you still have a chance.

Now down to the Basics of AA. I don't need to know your answers but you do

1. Did you pray to the God of your understanding on the day you slipped and ask for his help in not drinking?
I never slipped but I have taked to hundreds that did. If they were honest most said they did not pray that day.

2. Do you have a sponsor of the same sex, one with significant sobriety who has worked all of the steps? Absolutly vital to have one. By the way it does not have to be someone you like.

3. How many meetings have you been attending? For the first 90 days I attended two and sometimes three meeting a day. Sound excessive?
Look at #1 above, I have not slipped. The first 90 days start again after a relapse past history no longer counts.

4. What step are you on? During the first 90 days I had completed, with my sponsor's guidance steps 4 and 5 and we went straight into
steps 6 and 7. Step 4 is the beginning of the action steps. Until then all we have done is make some decisions. It takes action to stay sober. No amount of deciding to stay sober no matter how honest the attempt will work. We have an AA Waltz 1,2,3, slip, 1,2,3, slip.

5. Did you call anyone for help BEFORE you drank? The telephone is very difficult for Alcoholics to pick up but those that do call someone usually do not drink.

6. Did you get too Hungry Angry, Lonely or Tired, HALT and call someone immediatly

7. Do you really, I mean more than anything in world really want to get sober?
If not it just won't work. Alcoholism is a Chronic, Progressive, Terminal illness. Chronic, it can't be cured. But all symptoms go away over time as a result of not drinking and working the steps. Progressive, it gets worse, if you live long enough you will want to quit more than you wan't anything in the world. Terminal, We all die with Alcoholism but those that continue to drink die from it in addition to with it. My Brotherin-law died from it. Not a nice way to go.

Bottom line is if you want what we have and are ready to go to any lengths we in AA have your solution.

In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Postby RichC » Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:54 pm

" I know for a fact that I cannot have even one drink,l because to drink one leads me to more drinking or using drugs!"

" constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself or others"

Sounds like you just were.
So you your logic is flawed to start with.

Now some more from YOU hosterman1975.
"Despite my deep desire to get straight, I find that I cannot."

Lets get honest with yourself.
I (as in You) Will Not is more like it.
This decision is totally up to you and YOU alone.
No Group, No Friend, No throw of the dice can change you.
Only YOU can help yourself.
And only YOU can make yourself do what YOU want.

Like Larry said IT IS UP TO YOU.
We are a selfish, and self centered peoples. Make no mistake about that.
It is part of the illness we suffer from.

So make the decision for YOU.
Lose it all eventually leading to the ultimate ALL.
Make the decision to do this for YOU.

We can only help but sometimes you will need to look in that mirror and be honest as he// with yourself.
It can be scary and disturbing to look at; and also look inside yourself.
Right now you wont like what you see.
But later on you will look again and realize you are not such an ugly person anymore.
And it will feel GREAT!!!

Sorry to be blunt but sometimes the truth just hurts.

I will be watching for you here.

Site Admin
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Postby Dallas » Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:10 am

Hello Hosterman. Welcome to the site. Good to see that you're reaching out. That means that you do care and you do have a desire or you wouldn't take the time and effort to be here.

First, I'd like to say: I understand. Been there. Done that. And, even though I did have the ability to be honest w/ myself -- much like you have been -- I was one of those that just seemed doomed to die the alcoholic death.

Meetings wouldn't keep me sober. My sponsor couldn't and I couldn't. The entire AA Fellowship, the state of California, the LA County Sheriff, and the LAPD combined... couldn't keep me sober. :lol: No matter how many wives I lost, families I destroyed, businesses I drank and used up, no matter how great my desire -- I could not get sober or stay sober. I had one brief period of time sober on my first time into AA, and that was almost 5 1/2 months.

My first sponsor -- who had 12 Stepped and probably sponsored at least a hundred or more guys -- got honest with me. He didn't sugar coat anything. He said he had never worked w/ an alcoholic of my type. That I was way far further gone than any that he had seen come around -- and that in his opinion I was screwed. He said part of my problem was: I was too self-made. I had made too many successes in my life and got through too many hard things on my own, with relying on myself and my ideas -- that he didn't believe that I could let go ABSOLUTELY of my old ideas -- and especially MY OLD IDEAS ABOUT AA and "How it works."

So. I was screwed. I knew it. I knew AA would not work for me like it had worked for others. I'd sit up all night drinking whiskey reading the BB, trying to figure out "Why the heck can't I figure this deal out? Why are they able to get sober and stay sober and I can't?"

I had found the answer but I didn't know that I had found it.

The answer? I was just like you. I was screwed. Doomed to die a painful and slow alcoholic death. I was beyond hope. (Did you know, that Bill Wilson -- the guy that founded AA, was just like us, too? The docs had already told him and his wife -- the only solution is to lock him up and watch him go mad and die in his sober insanity).

Well. I kept drinking the whiskey and kept reading the book -- gave up on the idea of being able to "get it"... the truth was "I couldn't get it!"

So, I accepted it. Then, I felt bad and guilty that I had just pi***sed away all my previous chances -- and figured -- well, maybe I could try to do something for the other poor suckers out there that weren't as bad off as me. So, I started trying to help them. I'd get drunk -- buy cases of BB's from Central Office -- go down alleys looking for guys as drunk and hopeless as me -- and I'd give them a book and tell them what to do -- and what not to do -- or, they'd end up like me, without any hopes of EVER staying sober.

Then, one day. Nov. 14th 1986 -- I got another chance. I got on my knees in a car wash and tried to figure out how to pray to "that Higher Power God" that helped the alkies stay sober. I was tired of watching my kids watch their dad die drunk and drinking. I said, that if I could connect with the Alkie God, no matter how painful it was to die -- SOBER -- I was willing to feel it till it killed me -- just so my kids could say "Well. We saw dad die of sobriety. At least he didn't drink for a few days before the sobriety killed him!"

Let's face it. For guys like us??? It's not the alcohol that kills us -- sobriety kills us! That's why we drink. We can't stand to be alive and sober at the same time -- because it's too damn painful!

I had to work at it 10 times harder than the average AA did. I had to do all kinds of crap that they would have never did! And, I hated having to do that -- but, I did it anyway. People in AA would jive me that "My sponsor never made me do the stuff your sponsor makes you do!" And, it's like... Screw you! My sponsor cant "make me" do anything! And, he couldn't. It was my life. My sponsor was going to stay sober regardless if I followed his directions or not. And, he told me so.

The date above? I haven't had a drink or drug since then. My sponsor now, who's been my sponsor for the last 18 yrs or more? He's coming up on 52 yrs sober on Halloween! And... he was just like us, too! Except, he had been in and out of AA for over 10 years and couldn't get it.

What did we do? We did something that other AA's don't have to do and it's kept us sober, reasonably sane, reasonably happy, and we've had and are having some really good living!

I hope you find your answer. I'm wishing the best of the best for you.

Dallas B.

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Postby hosterman1975 » Tue Aug 03, 2010 9:37 am

Thank you to everyone that has replied.

I do have a sponser and he is a good man with lots of knowledge, but i know that I havent properly availed myself of what he has to offer. I am on the verge of taking my fourth step, but i have been needing to take it for about a year now.

I dont ever call when my sponser or anyone else for that matter when i am about to drink or use, and i know i should, but for some reason i just cant seem to force myself to pick up the phone. I know it is stupid, but its like the phone is made of Kryptonite.

I sometimes wonder if i do the things that i do, because secretely i really dont want to be happy. I think that maybe i dont feel like i deserve to have anything good in my life so i try to sabotage any bit of happiness that I have by drinking or drugging. what i do are not the actions of a sane person, i am clearly insane. The worst part is that i know how to get sane again, but i don't seem to want to take the remedy.

Everyday i look into the mirror and i see something disgusting. I am tired of looking in the mirror and only seeing regret and failure. The problem is i just dont know how to deal with life, and there is nothing in the big book about how to live a sober life.

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Postby KT » Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:39 pm

Hosterman....glad you're here....but I think maybe you haven't hit your bottom yet. And we don't want you to hit YOUR bottom. You can do this. Reach out to your higher power and ask for forgiveness and help for acceptance of your disease. We all have been where you are. We all think we can control ourselves but for me I have to turn it all over to God. I had to truly accept and pray to get it right this time. When I was drinking I made alot of bad decisions but as soon as I turned it over to my HP and took it one day at a time and started to truly work the steps I knew I was in the right place. This was the BEST decison I ever made. Life is sooooo much better. Hope has returned to me. Faith is HUGE ! This program is working for me because I want to be FREE. Get going on that 4th step. It took me about a month to get it all on paper. Then over 3 hours to release all of it to God, myself and another person. It was was was such a relief ! I don't know any other way to put it. I needed to cultivate the Faith. Fear often prevents me and blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service and serentity. AA and God are teaching me how to keep away the fear by having faith and hope for a better life. I have a new life. There is no doubt in my mind. It is amazing !

Hang in there and really think about working the steps. Get on board with your sponsor and start moving into action with step 4. That is when I started to feel freedom.

Keep us posted...

Love Kathy

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Postby hosterman1975 » Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:12 am


You are not the first person to tell me that "maybe you havent hit your bottom yet", and I know that this is true, I still have a long way to fall if I keep going the way I am. I am just trying to get sober before I do finally hit that bottom. I feel that I am fortunate enough to clearly see where my addictions are takeing me, and frankly i dont want to go there.

I feel that the key for me is to really spend some time trying to connect to my HP, because without him all is lost. I feel like it is time to finally step up to the plate and start taking some action. I feel like the thing that has really kept me from making any meaningful progress in my sobriety has been my lack of action, and unwuillingness to work the steps. So I am embarking on an experiment starting today that is designed to help me move forward.

Starting today, I am removing all external distractions from my life for at least one week. If I am not at work, church, or a meeting I will be working on my program. There will be no tv or other entertainment for me. I will spend time in prayer, bible study, big book study, or meditation.

I know this may seem extreme, but i feel like I have let too much of outside life distract me from my primary goal and that is to truly begin recovery through AA and a deeper walk of faith with my HP. I think that this will be difficult, but i feel like it its the right thing to do for me right now.

I pray that this will be what i need. I am praying that it is.

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Postby jgrabo » Mon Aug 09, 2010 2:38 pm

Hi Brian,
Welcome to the site! I was going to respond to you last week but just didn't get to it. Anyways, after reading your post from last Monday I was wondering if you have truely read the Big Book or just run through it as I did my first time through it. I ask this because I kind of felt the same way but since I have really read the book and have added a Big Book study meeting to my list of meetings I go to I have found that it really does give us a design for living a sober life and how to deal with the things that come up, and if you can't find it there thats what meetings are for- to ask questions - get answers - from those before us who have been there. Oh, and just so you know that disgusting failure of a person you see in the mirror can become someone you can feel proud of if you are willing to go to any lenghts to maintain your sobriety and follow the simple guide as given to us in the BB. Miracles really do happen, we are all living proof!!

God Bless

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Postby hosterman1975 » Mon Aug 09, 2010 4:03 pm

I must admit that i havent studied the big book in depth and I certainly don't know it backwards and forwards. That is something i am working to remedy, but I think that you misunderstood what i was trying to say. Yes the Big Book gives me steps and a plan for getting sober, and even staying sober, but it doesnt tell me how to deal with the everyday BS sober. It doesnt plan out my day, it doesnt tell me how to handle all of the ### situations that come up each day. It doesnt do any of that. It just tells me that if I follow these twelve steps I can stop drinking and stay sober, It doesnt tell me how to deal with everything while i am in the process... It just doesnt. The thing is though you are right, that what the Big Book doesnt cover can be covered and discovered in a good meeting with a sponser. I know this. Just like I know that a sponser still cant keep me sober if I dont want to be< neither can a meeting, and the simple fact is that God wont keep me sober if I dont want to be either or if I am unwilling to accept his help.

In the Past I have been very reluctant to give myself over and accept the help that was available to me. I have been unwilling to listen to my sponser, my AA Group,or God. I wanted to live life on my terms, but ry as I might my best laid plans always end in failure. I know these things, but i still find myself willing to listen to the lies that I tell myself. This is who I am now, but I am working to change and I know that I can if I am just willing to give up and surrender and be honest with myself. God can work a miracle in me if I let him.

And right now I am asking him for a miracle and praying that he helps me to stay out of my own way and let God do the heavy lifting.

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Postby butch » Mon Aug 09, 2010 5:22 pm


I can relate to your not surrendering. That was me for a while. With the help of counseling, aa meetings, a sponsor, and most importantly, my Higher Power, i have been granted the minor miracle of 11 months of soberity. For me surrendering and letting go and letting God was very hard. Since i have, He has given me the grace and ability to handle all of lifes b s and still have some sanity and serentiy. Meetings, meditation, studing, everything you listed will help. I feel that it does work if you work it and it won't if you don't.


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