Hello Hosterman. Welcome to the site. Good to see that you're reaching out. That means that you do care and you do have a desire or you wouldn't take the time and effort to be here.
First, I'd like to say: I understand. Been there. Done that. And, even though I did have the ability to be honest w/ myself -- much like you have been -- I was one of those that just seemed doomed to die the alcoholic death.
Meetings wouldn't keep me sober. My sponsor couldn't and I couldn't. The entire AA Fellowship, the state of California, the LA County Sheriff, and the LAPD combined... couldn't keep me sober.
No matter how many wives I lost, families I destroyed, businesses I drank and used up, no matter how great my desire -- I could not get sober or stay sober. I had one brief period of time sober on my first time into AA, and that was almost 5 1/2 months.
My first sponsor -- who had 12 Stepped and probably sponsored at least a hundred or more guys -- got honest with me. He didn't sugar coat anything. He said he had never worked w/ an alcoholic of my type. That I was way far further gone than any that he had seen come around -- and that in his opinion I was screwed. He said part of my problem was: I was too self-made. I had made too many successes in my life and got through too many hard things on my own, with relying on myself and my ideas -- that he didn't believe that I could let go ABSOLUTELY of my old ideas -- and especially MY OLD IDEAS ABOUT AA and "How it works."
So. I was screwed. I knew it. I knew AA would not work for me like it had worked for others. I'd sit up all night drinking whiskey reading the BB, trying to figure out "Why the heck can't I figure this deal out? Why are they able to get sober and stay sober and I can't?"
I had found the answer but I didn't know that I had found it.
The answer? I was just like you. I was screwed. Doomed to die a painful and slow alcoholic death. I was beyond hope. (Did you know, that Bill Wilson -- the guy that founded AA, was just like us, too? The docs had already told him and his wife -- the only solution is to lock him up and watch him go mad and die in his sober insanity).
Well. I kept drinking the whiskey and kept reading the book -- gave up on the idea of being able to "get it"... the truth was "I couldn't get it!"
So, I accepted it. Then, I felt bad and guilty that I had just pi***sed away all my previous chances -- and figured -- well, maybe I could try to do something for the other poor suckers out there that weren't as bad off as me. So, I started trying to help them. I'd get drunk -- buy cases of BB's from Central Office -- go down alleys looking for guys as drunk and hopeless as me -- and I'd give them a book and tell them what to do -- and what not to do -- or, they'd end up like me, without any hopes of EVER staying sober.
Then, one day. Nov. 14th 1986 -- I got another chance. I got on my knees in a car wash and tried to figure out how to pray to "that Higher Power God" that helped the alkies stay sober. I was tired of watching my kids watch their dad die drunk and drinking. I said, that if I could connect with the Alkie God, no matter how painful it was to die -- SOBER -- I was willing to feel it till it killed me -- just so my kids could say "Well. We saw dad die of sobriety. At least he didn't drink for a few days before the sobriety killed him!"
Let's face it. For guys like us??? It's not the alcohol that kills us -- sobriety kills us! That's why we drink. We can't stand to be alive and sober at the same time -- because it's too damn painful!
I had to work at it 10 times harder than the average AA did. I had to do all kinds of crap that they would have never did! And, I hated having to do that -- but, I did it anyway. People in AA would jive me that "My sponsor never made me do the stuff your sponsor makes you do!" And, it's like... Screw you! My sponsor cant "make me" do anything! And, he couldn't. It was my life. My sponsor was going to stay sober regardless if I followed his directions or not. And, he told me so.
The date above? I haven't had a drink or drug since then. My sponsor now, who's been my sponsor for the last 18 yrs or more? He's coming up on 52 yrs sober on Halloween! And... he was just like us, too! Except, he had been in and out of AA for over 10 years and couldn't get it.
What did we do? We did something that other AA's don't have to do and it's kept us sober, reasonably sane, reasonably happy, and we've had and are having some really good living!
I hope you find your answer. I'm wishing the best of the best for you.