Hey Tao, great to see you. And, thanks for checking in. It's a new day. And, a new week. Keep doing the best that you can do. I understand what Rich wrote. There will come a time to make a different decision. But, that time, for most of us, seems to come when it comes -- if we're lucky and if it comes again.
I'm sure you're probably well aware that you need to stop completely and for good and how fatal it is if you don't. That's the part that really sucks for us. We know this to the bone. We stand in front of our mirror and tell ourselve this over and over and over -- deep inside feeling hopeless, and feeling like we want to break down and cry -- and we hope against hope -- that one day -- it might be different. As we're pouring our next drink -- that thought comes to mind that "God help me. Please. This is killing me and I've got to stop."
And, then another thought comes to mind that "Damn. If I could only get some of these other problems solved -- it might not be so hard to get off this stuff." And, we realize that we need to take that next drink -- just to be able to function well enough to try to solve all those problems.
We've all pretty much done this. Sometimes, a little different, but eventually, it seems like we go through this stage.
For me, what was going on was: I had a bunch of problems. I thought I needed to solve those problems first -- and, then get sober. Because I couldn't manage my life or solve my problems without a few drinks. So, I'd do all I could to control it during really important times. But then, either the pressure would get too high and I'd over-shoot my attempt to control the drinking, or ... nothing unusual would happen -- and I'd just discover myself drunk again in the middle of something important.
I think that's kind of what Rich was writing about. We try to ween off and control. And, sometimes we can do a pretty good job of it. But, it's the other times that screw us!
Keep coming back. Keep trying and don't give up. Do the best that you can do right now. Because, the best that you can do right now -- is the best that you can do right now -- or, you'd be doing better. If you're anything like me -- the more I beat myself up over it -- the more I drank.
When you get ready to put the plug in the jug and leave it there -- we will be here for you. We can sit with you around the clock if necessary -- and sometimes this is necessary.
We seem to be in some sort of phase in AA -- where many of the meetings don't know what to do about the person that's still drinking and going to the meetings. That's a sad phase to be in. The best place for an alkie to be -- that's still drinking -- is to be in a meeting of AA. If you have trouble finding a meeting that understands -- come back here and let us know. We'll help you find some people that understand and are willing to help.
Best wishes for you,