- Hookahs

Hookahs




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Hookahs

Postby LaurenG » Tue Aug 31, 2010 9:36 am

Hey there,
Ok so I have an issue I am feeling guilt about. Over the past weekend I was with friends who recently got a hookah for smoking flavored tobacco. I like hookahs and wanted to smoke out of it. It dawned on me before we smoked out of it that these friends smoke a lot of pot (I am also in MA) and that they may have smoked pot out of it. I asked them and they said they had but that they didn't think there was any resin in there etc. I thought twice about it and against my best judgement I smoked out of it. I didn't taste anything or feel anything but I am mad at myself for not just saying,"I'd better not" I guess I felt bad because we had been talking about smoking out of it all day and they already had it all set up for me. I don't consider it to be a relapse but I am feeling a lot of guilt about it. My sponsor suggested I make sure I am keeping up all parts of the triangle but this wasn't an instance were I wanted to relapse. I am just confused and open to anyone's insight on this please.
LaurenG
 
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Postby Dallas » Tue Aug 31, 2010 10:06 am

Hi Lauren, welcome to the site! Glad to have you. The nearest I can relate to it is: My friends came over and had a bottle of Jack Daniels. They drank it all -- and then, they put some ice tea in it for me and encouraged me to drink my tea out of a Jack Daniels bottle. (This is a metaphore... didn't really happen). :lol:

Would you think, that I was:
1. Sane.
2. Smart
3. Dumb
4. Insane
5. Headed on a road for some big time trouble?
6. WTF? Where is your head????
7. Should I feel guilty?

Perhaps, if you can answer that question for me -- you might have a clue about your ideal answer for yourself. :lol:

Myself -- I would feel more than guilt. I would feel terrified! It's kind of like two stories in the Big Book:

1. The guy that poured a little whiskey in his milk and said: "Maybe this won't hurt me -- considering I have no intention of drinking, getting drunk, and besides... a little milk never hurt me!" :lol:

2. The Jaywalker story: After his legs and back were broken several times, and he swore over and over and over and over again, he would never do it again -- on the day they wheeled him out on a wheel-chair, he jumps out of the chair and runs in front of a trash truck and a bus! :lol: :lol:

If I did that myself -- I would consider myself as "already in relapse -- waiting for my next drink!"

If I was serious about my recovery -- I would make some huge changes mucho pronto.

I don't know if that helps you -- but, I'm sure it helped me.

Best wishes to you,

Dallas
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Postby LaurenG » Tue Aug 31, 2010 10:30 am

Well geez I don't know if it was quite like that. :( I realize it was a mistake and a wake up call but it was hardly like pouring whiskey in milk. I guess I am feeling a little defensive from that. I wouldn't relate it to drinking tea out of a whiskey bottle as hookahs are for tobacco not weed. (I have always liked hookahs and smoke cigarettes from time to time) I would say it would be more like drinking tea out of a glass that had whiskey in it at one time but not knowing there had ever been whiskey in it until the tea was already in the glass. My fear came more from why I was more concerned with upsetting my friends than ensuring that I stayed sober at that one moment. I did take a few puffs of the tobacco and then I said I was done and left because I knew it didn't feel right. I feel like this falls into a grey area but a dangerous one... a slippery slope. I am very serious about my recovery and that is why I am trying to work through this and brought it up on this forum. I guess its really upsetting because I can't go back and undo it. I feel like by the grace of god I did not taste or feel anything so I don't feel like I have already relapsed at least not physically... maybe a mental relapse yes. It did scare me and I don't want to put myself in that position again and I don't plan to, I really didn't expect to be in that position in the first place... I went to 2 meetings the day before I felt strong spiritually before that. SIGHS... I am freaking out.
LaurenG
 
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Postby Bensober » Tue Aug 31, 2010 10:57 am

Hi Lauren,
Don't freak..."Just Speak"! What I find that works for examples like this and what Dallas shared is the importance of ownership in whatever conflicts with our conscious. You already owned before you hit the pipe that something wasn't right. What I seen others do who are committed to their sobriety, is they say: “Hi my name is “So&Soâ€
Bensober
 
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Postby LaurenG » Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:02 am

Thanks, I have a lot to think about. Your right the only thing to lose at this point is my ego in this whole matter. Wanting to hold on to that 5 months like crazy but perhaps the best thing is to get a desire chip at my next meeting and go from there. ####! Why do I have to learn my lessons the hard way :(
LaurenG
 
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Postby Bensober » Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:25 am

Ah...its really ok! Lessons in humility are like getting cut, it scabbing, and the teangling feeling of the healing. Coming clean with the truth is just like that. It always hurts at first. To others its not really that big O' deal other than they witness someone with rigorus honesty, and your the one who gets to be and feel FREE just like you have on this post!

Ben H.
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Postby Dallas » Tue Aug 31, 2010 12:03 pm

Hey Lauren. Wasn't passing any judgement on to you or on you. I was sharing about me -- and what I would do and my insight, as you requested. It wasn't about you. :wink:

What you personally do, believe, feel -- is not my business. And, I have no opinion on what you do. The only thing that's my biz and that I have an opinion on is me and what I do. :wink:

When I listen to someone share their personal experience and think it's about me, or think that they are judging me -- I've learned that -- for me, what's really going on -- the thing that matters (regardless of what they do) -- is that I'm judging and condeming myself.

Many years ago, I learned a little tool that I love and use often. It's called Johari's Window. Through this tool, I learned that there is information about me that I am blind about. I can't see it. Only someone outside myself can see it. And, I'll always be blind about it unless I ask them to tell me what they see about me that I can't see about me.

Also, with Johari's Window -- I learned that there are things about me that only I know about me -- and things about me that I don't know and others don't know either.

The comfort I get from Johari's Window -- is the awareness -- that I don't always have all the facts. :lol: And, I'll never have all the facts. :wink: All I have is my current perception of what I think might be the facts and what I think might be the facts are not always facts. :lol:

The reason that comforts me is: I no longer have to be right. I only need to take the right now action -- right now. And, when I take the right now action right now -- because it's the right action to take right now -- I don't have to think about the -- next right action. This keeps my head from spinning and keeps me out of thinking and into action.

Thinking -- is my number one problem. Thinking -- rather than doing -- will always cause me misery.

Best wishes to you and for you, too!

Dallas
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Postby Ranman99 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:39 am

I like this thread.

I agree there is no need to feel guilt. I can go there.

If I get a feeling that there may be a cliff I try to get away from it whatever it may be. Some things will cause me grief before the urge of a drink will and I am aware of it and talk to others a lot that have to also be very carefull. Just due to circumstance I happen to be drug free about 2 years longer than booze free. I would like to keep free free free free.

I had one lesson where a flight attended gave me a glass of wine a few months ago when I asked for water. I got half a mouthful and practically threw it back on the tray. The poor woman was shocked as I kinda choked and said that I had said water.

I felt a bit strange but there was no craving I recoiled like it was a hot flame and talked about it with the gang for a day afterwards.

Now it is a lesson in my book for all future travels. I will be very very cautious.

I now take very seriously the share of one of our old timers who says she always sniffs her drinks at parties. I now believe I am in that class 8)

So far when I am back in Canada I can not be around any people toking. It is just not possible for me. But these days I have not seen any of those people since 2006.

In future we will meet but on my terms only :shock: :D :) :o

Ciao for now.
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Postby RichC » Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:25 pm

I am with Ranman on this one.
My concern is that you placed yourself in the atmosphere where the temptation could have led to another issue.
I firmly believe that if you can avoid a situation like you described then you should before you are in it.
Peer pressure is a very strong social thing to deal with.
And memory is deceiving to us also.
What would you have done if you had tasted or felt that high feeling we used to experience?
Our minds and more-so our bodies will fool us into the security of escape from reality we sought when we were drinking or drugging.
This is very dangerous for us.
And think about how long it took you last time to crawl back to the reality we all must deal with.
Do you really want to tempt falling back into that past life that led you to sobriety?
Something got you where you are today. I will bet it was something you would not want to repeat too.

If you wish to keep your old friends meet them on your terms like Ranman suggested.
Real friends will understand.
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Postby Ranman99 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 9:58 pm

Yup yup and like Dallas also stated only sharing about myself.

In hindsight I can see all of the little places where I always left the door open to drink or use. Some of them of course were quite apparent to me and some of them were driven more at a subconsious level that I could only see in sobriety.

Today it is important to me to be able to say to my people I am 100% clean and sober but that's just me.

Ciao,
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