My name is Dallas, and I'm alcoholic, also!
I've been in a similar situation as your describing what you're going through. Been there a couple of times. I understand the confusion, the emotions, the pain in the heart. I identify. I also got through the situations.
Getting to the other side was not easy, but it was sure. The pain and confusion was enough to make me become willing to believe, and willing to hope that there really was a God, who was going to help me get to the other side of it.
I had the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had friends and even strangers in AA that helped me get to the other side. And, I do believe... as I look back, that there really was a God and His Angels that were watching over me.
The emotional pain got so bad that I lost 45 pounds in 30 days... (I think most of must have been water loss, as a result of the tears)... If I even thought the word food... it made me want to puke.
I remember the sober emotional blackouts... of driving through stop lights and not realizing that I had driven right through them, until I was down the road and people were honking at me.
I was 2 years sober the first time I went through it, and 5 years sober the second time. Even though I wasn't religious... I sure became grateful that Catholics had churchs open 24 hours a day... where I could go inside, light candles, pray and cry.
I really didn't think I was going to make it to the other side. But, I did. The faithful AA's kept telling me that "this too shall pass... if you don't drink and if you don't take your life." And, once again, they were right.
So, my dear sober sister.... I'm just passing on to you... what those loving AA's passed on to me... this too really will pass and there will be a sunrise with a rainbow after the storm.
Before I got myself in the situations that I got myself in to, sobriety, AA and my relationship with wanting to do what God wanted me to do, was number one in my life. And, to this day, even though many of my sober buddys would laugh and disagree... I believed that the relationship I was in, was God's will for me, at the moment. And, when it was time to leave, under similar situations as you're going through... because I didn't want to end up as a drunk casualty... I knew that it was God's will for me to leave.
This God business, for me, can be real confusing some times! During those times, I ask myself questions, like... What's God's number one thing that He wants me to do? And, for me, the answer is to stay sober... and to be willing... and to actually go... when necessary... to any lengths to stay free of alcohol.
Number 2, is that, for me, God wants me to be helping someone else... instead of thinking about myself.
Number 3, for me, is that God wants me hanging aroun in AA, sober, reaching out to help another alcoholic... and doing what I can to keep AA around for the next guy or gal who needs it.
Number 4, for me, is that God really does want me to be happy, joyous, free, and to live a good life with abundance of good in my life.
I take those four priorities, and somtimes draw me a little box, with each one of the priorities listed as one side of the box. I look inside the box. And, I look outside the box. And, I pray and meditate, and ask for the right decision and for the right actions to take.
I have a different Sponsor and a different relationship with my Sponsor that I had at two and at five years sober... so, it's a lot easier for me, to get advice and suggestions from my Sponsor, whom I trust that God will work through his clear mind... when my mind is cluttered.
Anne, you'll get through this, this too shall pass, and one day you'll look back and say something like "as confusing as it all was... how did it ever turn out this good?" And, it will turn out good. Guaranteed! If you don't drink, and if you don't harm yourself...
Hugs to you.