I went through a period of setting a new date almost daily. I kept writing on my desk calendar "Todays the day! I'm going back to AA and I'm going to be sober again!"
That didn't work, so I changed it to, "Today's the day! I'm going back to AA and I'm going to be sober for the rest of my life!"
That didn't work... so I changed it to "Today's the day! I'm going back to AA and I'm going to be sober for the rest of my life! And, today is the date of my last drink!"
That didn't work either. I'd pour my one last drink -- and before I could get to a meeting I'd be drunk again. I'd stagger into the meeting, figuring for sure ... "Well, I'll sober up in the meeting like I did the first time I went to AA!" And, that didn't work... Middle of the meeting, I'd get thirsty and go out to my car for a little nip to get me through the meeting... and often I'd pass out in my car w/out getting back inside.
Most of the times, I'd leave my house an hour early -- to get to a meeting that was 10-15 mins. away. And, I'd end up so drunk that I usually couldn't find the meeting -- or I'd get there three or four hours after the meeting had been over.
That's when I finally really figured out what it means -- to be Powerless. To be a real alcoholic. To understand -- that the choice was no longer up to me -- when and how -- I was going to get sober, or when I would or would not have the next drink, and how much that drink would be.
That's when I figured out that -- all that I knew and had learned about AA -- was absolutely worthless to me. Even if it was something "right" I no longer had the power to do what was right.
That's when I learned what it means to be: "suffering from a hopeless state of mind and body."
That's when I finally learned that Hopeless meant: "Dallas, is going to die drinking. He has become alcoholic. He f---d up and screwed up for the last time -- a long time ago!"
I had been reading and studying the BB, all those months, of drinking, trying to figure out "Why won't this work for me?"
That's when I finally also learned what it meant, "But, for the Grace of God -- there go I."
I discovered that God's grace -- just like sobriety -- doesn't come to me on "my terms" or on "my time" -- and I have no guarantee of either one of them!
I had to die -- before the Solution could find me. I wish better results for you. I hope you don't have to do that. Every single day for the last 24 years has been a "bonus day" for me. A day that I do not deserve to have -- but, since I have it -- I'm going to try and do something good with it.