Thank you, for checking in again November! I sure appreciate it when you do. Reading your updates and follow-ups with what's going on with you, is a lot of help to me. For one thing -- it keeps my head from being on me, thinking about me -- all the time!
And, I've discovered that when I can keep my head from thinking about me -- by thinking about someone else -- I seem to automatically have some pretty awesome days!
I went through something similar with my sponsor, once. Well -- actually more than once!
My problem though, was: I kept screwing up. He would tell me to do something -- and I'd let other stuff become more important than doing what he said to do.
For example: He would tell me to call him on a specific day at a specific time. Like, 5:06 p.m. Not 5:05 p.m. or 5:07 p.m. And, I was supposed to write him a letter ahead of my call telling him what was going on for me, and I was to be sure that he got my letter with plenty of time to read it -- before I called.
My life was so busy and important -- that I was constantly either missing the letter or missing the check-in time.
Then, one day something odd started happening. When I called him, he asked me 'Why are you calling me?' And, before I could completely answer him, he told me that I needed to find a sponsor that I would listen to and to stop bothering him!
Wow! I didn't know how to take that! My first reaction was: I wanted to say 'Screw you! I will find someone else!' But, for once in my life (it seemed) -- I kept my mouth shut. I was mad at him but I didn't tell him that. And, he just slammed the phone down and hung up on me.
The next time I called him -- the call lasted about 10 seconds and he slammed the phone down again and hung up on me.
One of the reasons that I had asked my sponsor to sponsor me, was: I was so impressed with the quality of the lives of many of the men and women that he sponsored. They were like shining examples of the AA program of recovery -- and they had done wonderous things in their lives. They all had come from that bottomless pit of hopelessness, and re-created and re-built their lives into lives that I admired!
I had been told by all of them that -- he's tough! Follow his directions specifically and to the letter or he won't waste his time on you! He'll drop you in a heart-beat!
He's a very busy guy. He has sponsored hundreds of alkies. He's always in service somewhere for A.A. -- and he works his regular day job, too.
I thought that maybe he just had a huge Ego problem!
But, I had been one of the ones -- that had difficulty staying sober and getting better. I had gotten to the jumping off place -- before I asked him to sponsor me. Somehow, I seemed to know in my heart -- that God specifically wanted me to be sponsored by him! I needed someone that was tough and wouldn't put up with my crap!
So -- after he 'fired me' without saying that he did -- he just hung up on me, I decided to double and triple my efforts at doing what I said I would do in the past! I figured -- okay -- you may not be my sponsor -- but, I'm going to do specifically and precisely what you've told me to do in the past -- I'm going to keep writing my letters, on time, to you, making sure that you get them -- and calling you at 5:06 pm -- exactly -- so that you can hang up on me!
And, I did it! Over and over and over and over again!
Then, one day, he didn't hang up on me. And, we talked.
His objective -- without telling me at the time (I had to figure this out on my own) was: He was trying to teach me the importance of structure and discipline! And, trying to help me to become structured and disciplined in my daily living. He was trying to teach me how to live sober -- by making my sobriety top priority in my life -- and demonstrating its priority -- by the actions that I took! He knew, that if I continued to live life like I lived life -- I'd just continue to be a failure! And, that if I didn't change, it would be a waste of his time and my time.
I love this man -- and I feel that I owe my life and sobriety, to the many things that he has done to help me to learn, and to become the sober person that I always wanted to be -- and more.
It took me a long time to prove to him and to prove to myself, by trying to prove to him -- that I meant business! That I was willing to go to any lengths to accept and follow directions. And, I'm so glad that I did!