Daily Check-In

[Dallas]

It's wonderful to wake up early and hear from all of you! Feels like waking up to the good news of friends and extended-family! Imagine that! It really is!

Nice to hear that you're all doing well and that good things are happening in your lives! For me, it constantly gives me hope -- and shows me, that this deal is still working!

I feel an extreme attitude of gratitude this morning. No particular reason, other than I've been blessed with the opportunity to live another sober day! Another day, when based upon the choices I make, and the maintenance of my character -- I can choose Serenity over calamity, I can experience the love of friends, neighbors and my dogs. A day that I can choose to focus on the Sunlight of The Spirit, even if it gets cloudy or rains!

Thanks to all of you for being so good and so kind to me. For allowing me to share in the knowlege of your lives, your experience and in your recovery!

I'm wishing and praying for the absolute best of the best of the best for each of you and for your families!

Dallas

[november6]

Thanks for that intro this mornin' Dallas


Good start to the day so far.. We have an upcoming appt with our head doc at 1 then I have a solo at 7pm (odd time) and thats about it as far as plans.. I didn't get to talk to the 12step gal I spoke of yesterday but I talked to the friend of hers who contacted me and we talked a bit about the upcoming Intervention... good good.. It happens on the 5th. Lots of prayers..

[PeaceJoy]

It's 5:20 p.m. where I am and I've been here at Mom's house for 24 hours. Yesterday I saw the puppy.......and the breeder (not a pro) thinks they'll be ready at 6 or 7 weeks but I've always believed 8 weeks is optimal for pups. We'll see how that plays out. The puppies are soooo adorable and I can't wait.
I got to Mom's and she was completely drunk. She was in that "happy, everything's FUN" phase of a drunk. Repeating everything. Instead of just going with it and being glad she's "happy" I found myself dreading morning when she'd by on the opposite end of the spectrum. I texted my sponsor and then later on Mom asked me to go to the store to 'either buy a pack of cigarettes or a beer." I said I wouldn't do it but I would drive her to the store and she could go buy whatever she wanted. I don't know if this is an acceptable behavior or not but for me it was better than buying it for her and better than her driving. I'm still thinking on that one.
So sure enough this morning we wake up and Mom is solemn and has a list of housework for me to do. She didn't seem to be feeling well and I asked her (which I normally don't do) "Feeling a little hungover?" She said "No. I just don't feel very good. I feel nauseous." WEIRD......go figure. She then brought up the subject of $$ and how much I'll be staying over there helping her. I was glad she brought it up because it is such a fluid situation and changes daily. I am a bit confused so I called my sponsor and we had a good long talk.
As the day progressed I did my work. She drove to "the bank" and got her liquor. She still seems to not be feeling well. This is so frustrating because her health has improved SOOO dramatically in the 2 months since all this went down and she started getting healthy. Now she will slide back down and we'll be back to square one. Something I am struggling with is that sometimes I'd rather she drank just because she's easier to live with. Except when she's too drunk and then it's horrible. And there's such a fine line there. We alkies know that one drink is too many and 100 isn't enough. I feel guilty for wishing she'd drink and I feel guilty when she does drink. I know I need to quit dwelling on her and myself. I need to focus on sobriety, right? Can y'all tell my mind is spinning right now? It looks like I wrote a book. Thanks for my sobriety.

PeaceJoy~

[PeaceJoy]

My how things can change quickly. Mom had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance at 5:00 this morning. Vomiting blood and coming out the back end. LOTS of blood. So probably a varicies ruptured. Right off the bat Mom lies about how much she drank. Her doctor is thoroughly disgusted with her non-compliance. He is a normie and normies just don't understand this disease. Mom is humiliated, and blaming herself. I'm trying not to be angry but as I'm cleaning up all the blood, I'm pissed. I just wish she would accept AA but she thinks she's different and AA doesn't work. She thinks it's all a bunch of fanatics who don't have touch with reality. Hmmm.....as she's vomiting blood she's telling me "It might be that smoothie I had. It has the seeds from the raspberries in it and that's hard on the gut." This is a college educated woman. A registered nurse for 20 years. She's not stupid. Just in denial and won't give herself to the program and it is killing her.
I am in touch with my sponsor. I came home and cleaned up the damn mess and took a damn shower and I'm eating a damn bowl of cereal and I'm going to get to an AA meeting today. Maybe 2! Argh

I'm sorry for the negative post and I hope I don't offend or bring anyone down. I am sober and this forum is helping me stay that way. I really appreciate you all!

PeaceJoy~

[Dallas]

PeaceJoy, let the least of your worries be: how much you write and post here! You just go ahead and fill up the whole site if it helps! We can always get more site! However... we've only got one -- of you! Let your hair down and let it out. We're not in a meeting here where it disrupts anything. Someone can always click on a different topic if they don't want to read it.

It's got to be a tough job what you're doing. My hope is, that you continue to remind yourself of what your #1 problem is.

When people of our type (alkies) get professional training to deal with and help other alcoholics -- the number one thing that brings them down, is: they forget who they are, what they are, what their own liabilities are, and they get so carried away in helping others that -- they forget the importance of taking care of themselves. They forget, that they, too, are in recovery. And, they forget that -- it's the little things that get us. Or, a combination of little things -- and not so much the big ones.

It's great that you're keeping in close contact w/ your sponsor. When I was taking care of my mom -- if I went too long without contact w/ my sponsor I got real squirrelly. And, even now, when I don't take care of her any more... if I go too long w/out talking w/ my sponsor I still get squirrelly. (Sometimes, he'll be overseas for a few weeks at a time. I could bug him on his cell phone. But, I try to wait).

When I was taking care of my mom, I guess I was in a bit of denial, thinking "I can do this!" because I felt like "I should be able -- to do this."

So, long after she needed professional care that I couldn't deliver -- I continued trying. I continued doing it to the point that it brought me very near to a final breakdown. I was lucky, in the since that I was sponsoring a guy who was going through the same thing with his mother. I could see what it was doing to him and his wife and their relationship and their lives. Naturally, I had that thinking and feeling of "you guys need to get professional care for your mother -- you can't make it trying to continue this way" -- and, of course, I couldn't see it in myself! Well. Maybe I did see it. I just couldn't admit it. That was my problem. Not wanting to admit that the problem was greater than I could handle. And, the emotional attachment -- "This is MY mom! I've got to do this!"

Finally, in discussing it with my sponsor, I could see, that I was finally at the place where I had to bite the bullet.

My heart goes out to you! I understand.

I also had a similar situation with a brother. However, in his case, I could more easily see that I couldn't be of help to him. And, he died three years ago as a direct result of his alcoholism and drug addiction. In my mom's situation, it was Alzheimer's. I had no previous experience with that.

Wishing the best for you. And, wishing there was more that I could do instead of just 'being here' for you.

Dallas

[PeaceJoy]

Thank you Dallas. I see you've been through similar stuff so you know how it is. My brother and his wife came to the hospital and spent the afternoon with us. My poor brother is so angry and hurt and disappointed and all the things I am.........BUT I am blessed to have a program to help me cope. He doesn't have that. AA really is a Godsend.
While I was sitting with mom today, I got a chance to talk to her about her alcoholism and I asked her about in-patient treatment. She said "yeah but it's 12 step. I don't like 12 step." I asked her what exactly she has against it. She said "The whole religion thing that they claim is not a religion but really it is." I was quiet and just listened. She went on to say "Then again, the way I've been doing it isn't working. Maybe I need to just swallow my pride and try it again." We spoke with the social worker and going through Mom's history she tried to minimize a lot of her drinking and maximize her sobriety time. I was blunt and honest with the social worker about everything. Mom has been very near death at least r times, as well as a debilitating fall that left her shoulder and ankle absolutely shattered and resulted in permanent disability and each instance was directly related to alcohol. Maybe there is hope. Mom is only 59. She is late (end stage) but miracles do happen. Just like it says in the Big Book "Rarely have we seen a person fail .....etc. etc. " I told mom that my sponsor is not religious at all. Yet she has her head wrapped around the Higher Power thing and fully works the program and it totally works for her. Religion does not equal spirituality.

Anyway, mom is in the hospital still and I am still staying at her house tonight. I have all my AA books here and a quiet house. Maybe I could get started on 4th step work. Or maybe that is too much for me today. I'm really exhausted. I might just sit and veg in front of the t.v. and relax. I made it to a noon meeting today and I'm glad I did.

PeaceJoy~

[november6]

Peacejoy, I am sending out a prayer for you, yr mother & yr family...

[Dallas]

Ditto! My prayers are going out for you, your mother, your family and your brother, too. Also, perhaps... if there isn't a really skilled 12 Stepper in your area, an Interventionist might help. Just a thought... Often, unfortunately, it seems to be wired this way -- there is little that we can do for our own family members. We seem to be able to help everyone but family. Sometimes, people are critical of me if I suggest the idea of bringing in a professional -- but, to me, regardless if it's a professional or a box of Coco Puffs or Cracker Jacks -- if it helps an alcoholic, by all means make use it!

My best wishes for you all.

Dallas

[Ranman99]

Thanks both you guy's. PeaceJoy I will say a few prayers and my heart also goes out.

Today I have to be carefull of the cunning, baffling and powerful kinda denial in my life. It is the kind that will tell me that I don't need to phone my sponsor and bother him when I really should or that I'm making enough meetings if I'm not or if I don't do the prep work that I like to do before travel. The list goes on. I suppose it is a type of laziness and self sufficiency that creeps in and I don't notice it.

I don't like the squirrell on speed that used to live in my head. Always on that treadmill as soon as my eyes opened. Have not seen him for a while. I like it better that way

Hold in there we are all here for you and like Dallas said write and do whatever you need for yourself Don't bother me none

Take care,

[november6]

Hey all! I was barely at my computer today nor wig my phone... Which is a good thing in it's own way, I spent a lot of time with my little gal and husband and caught up on the phone wig a few alckies.. Still sending prayers for your family..