Step Nine

12 Steps: Discussions related to the 12 Steps and using them as a treatment to recover from alcohol and drug addiction.
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Step Nine

Postby wolfe71707 » Mon Jan 11, 2010 6:37 pm

Well, after making a list of and letting it sit on my desk for nine months, I finally found some humility and started making amends. As suggested, I started with the hardest one and it went well. I knew that it would, it was a family member, but I just couldn't get started! But now that I have started hopefully I won't procrastinate with the others.

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Postby Dallas » Wed Jan 13, 2010 7:33 pm

Good luck with the amends! Mine went better than expected when I was doing them.


Jim W
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Postby Jim W » Sat May 22, 2010 11:23 am

I am about nineteen and a half years sober. A few months ago, I started another little journey through the steps. At that point I did not think that I had any old amends left to clean up. A few petty little things came up from the current inventory, but I honestly though that I had made every amend that I was consciously aware of. So, when I got to Step Eight, I said a prayer:"God, please show me any unfinished amends."

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a meeting out of town on Saturday night that I don't go to often. When I walked in, I saw a woman whom I hadn't seen in about twenty-five years. She used to work for my dad. I worked for him occasionally. In those days, I treated most people with contempt and disdain. In addition, I was usually sarcastic and mean. I could be a bully as well. I treated this woman no different than anyone else. So when I saw this lady, I knew that an amends was in order.

After the meeting, I approached her. Before I could even get the words out, she started letting out what had been there for a quarter of a century. She told me how she thought that I hated her guts and how she had been afraid of me and how all of that came back when she saw me walk in the room. She started crying. I just stood there and listened.

I never did get to ask her how I could make it right. But I think it happened anyway, because she got free. And I did get to tell her that I never hated her and that doesn't have to fear me anymore. She said that she could tell that was true and that she was ten months sober and that seeing the change in me gave her hope. She also made an interesting comment to me. She told me that I look younger now than I did twenty-five years ago.

We damage people deeply, and it was truly humbling to hear that from a place of being nineteen years sober and spiritually awake enough to truly listen to it.

john boy
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Postby john boy » Wed Sep 29, 2010 3:37 pm

Today I brought up step 9 as the topic. Once again I heard..."this is about me and not about the person to whom I am making amends". I am not aware of where our literature suggests this...Anyone know where this is suggested?
For this alcoholic it took many years to understand this step as I do today (along with the other eleven). My conceptual skills were virtually non-existent at age 39. When I recently practiced this step again with my former wife and her husband (individually) I was overwhelmed with emotions...the healing emotion that occurs as I practice these steps.
I was able to attempt to share with them how I perceived the feelings I created by my behavior...I asked my former wife to tell me what it was like to be married to me. To my children's step-father, I thanked him for raisng my children as if they were his.
For myself, when I was asked how did I make you feel? I felt the healing begin.

vicki s
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9th Step

Postby vicki s » Thu Sep 30, 2010 8:57 am

I recently did the 9th step and my Sponsor suggested I wait until the opportune time resented itself. Instead of me going down the line and spend whatever time doing it consequently, do it at all different times. If I were with a family member, wait until the right time. Anyone else heard or done this? :?:

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Postby Dallas » Thu Sep 30, 2010 11:03 am

Your sponsor knows more about you and what your amends will be than we do here. So, my suggestion would be to follow your sponsors directions on it.

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Postby GeoffS » Thu Sep 30, 2010 7:59 pm

For me step 9 is very much the time to rely on the best thinking of my sponsor. I get emotionally tangled and want to get at it and get it done. Sometimes thats right, sometimes not so much.

I think there is a right time for all ammends, and when you know why you are doing it and what you need to say, then that time just pops right on up.

Larry H.
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Postby Larry H. » Thu Sep 30, 2010 9:53 pm

I needed my Sponsor so I did not get tangled up in the big "P".

"Procrastination" If left to me the time would have never been just right.

It all came from my unreasonable fears of doing step 9.

My sponsor got me to do my amends in spite of my fears. I am sure glad he did because it put me on the pathway toward becoming happy, joyous and free.

Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. No one was there.
Author Unknown

Jim W
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Re: Step 9 - Amends

Postby Jim W » Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:15 pm

Hi Keith,

I haven't posted here for a while. What you say is so true.

Less than a week after I posted telling of that experience, on Memorial Day I had to fly to Oklahoma. On May 30th, my sister called saying that our mother was really ill.

I was down there for almost a month. My mom had a bad infection and they couldn't pinpoint the source and she just sicker and sicker. They finally did find the source and operated, but it was too late. We as a family had to make the decision to take mom of off life support.

What a painful, sad time. I miss my mom terribly. This is the same mom that when I was seventeen said to me that I had to leave her house. What I am grateful for is there were no loose ends, nothing left unsaid, nothing left undone. No regrets. I got to be there and be fully present and ne a son and a brother and an uncle.

Had it not been for a good sponsor to guide me through the amends ;process, I wouldn't have been able to be there and be present.

kb1025 wrote::D Hi Jim, :D

:D That’s a great experience you shared. :!:

:) It reminds me of so many of the experiences I have had, as well as those I have heard about in the program. :)

:) It still amazes me, after 31 years sober, how God unfolds the universe exactly at the right time for us. He knows just what we need and when we need it. :!:

:) That lady and you needed to be at that place, at that time, to help you and her in your quest for serenity. Your whole lives had been chartered to lead you up to that moment. If anyone can’t see God, or a Higher Power, at work here then they just have their head in the sand. :lol:

:) I really appreciate you sharing your experience.:)

:D Please Keep On Keepin On, :D

:D Keith:D

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Postby Dallas » Thu Oct 14, 2010 6:55 am

Nice to see you here Jim! I've missed you!


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