Emotional battering

Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober
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Emotional battering

Postby GeoffS » Sat Nov 06, 2010 6:31 am

Do they come from outside or do we do it to ourselves?

Ok last weekend my girlfriend and I have been having a lovely conversation around how much in love we are, how much we appreciate and admire each other, how we look forward to sharing our lives together. Next day we have a great day out down along the Ocean at a friends barbecue. Sunday I leave her place so she can have lunch with her sister which regularly happens.

Monday I'm involved in a conversation where she drops a massive nuke- she's not sure she's over her last relationship and may still have feelings for her last boyfriend, and she san't honestly be in a relationship until shes worked it out where she is and with this type of feelings around. I call on all my strength from the program and tell her I love her and that I need her to be happy and she has to take her own journey, and that I value and admire her honesty.

I immediately go into full on devastation mode. My sponsor and home group are there and have been carrying me along and keeping me sane and sober until I can walkthe path again (and stop bloody crying!)

I have shared with many members, taken inventory and seen my part in my misery. I haven't slept well, barely eaten. Cannot get her out of my head, miss her every second. I know that there is a plan here that is bigger and better. My head runs away into the past and the future, driving me mad. I torture myself with hopes and dreams.

I have prayed for guidance and direction. I have prayed for her happiness. I have addressed issues of my own and prayed for them, for forgiveness for myself for my poor conduct in previous relationships. I have even finally made amends to the mother of my children... I have prayed on my knees in tears for the defects that came to light to be removed. I have prayed for the strength and guidance through god's grace to give her the space and time she needs, and that I need, so god can come in and take over. I still want to message or email her with every cell in my body every minute of the day. I pray constantly that gos will take this unhealthy needy thinking away and show me how to behave like a healthy man. I have noticed she is online even while I'm writing this. I will only respond if she contacts me I think, praying for the right words. We have exchanged a few emails and messages over the week, of a fun and caring nature. I have prayed for patience. I have prayed for anything that god can do to show me how to let go and let him, to live and let live. I know that hurt people hurt people. Everything I see and everything I do reminds me of this massive hole in my world - how do I get god to fill it?

I have even offered a prayer of gratitude that I am being given this chance to grow into a better man through this and be able to turn the experience to help others in future. And meant it.

So why do I feel like I have been run over by a truck, repeatedly?

Am I doing something wrong, what have I missed?

I have spent the week attending meetings, talking to newcomers, being of service.

Why can't I stand to be on this planet without her? I did it fine before.

Are these extreme painful emotions being fuelled by me.

Please help friends.

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Postby Bensober » Sat Nov 06, 2010 9:05 am

Good Morning Geoffs,
Good to here from you. Arn't we AA’s are a romantic lot! Bill Wilson describes in Emotional Sobriety “those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance, urges quite appropriate to age seventeen, prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age forty-seven and fifty-sevenâ€

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Postby GeoffS » Sat Nov 06, 2010 9:33 am

Thanks for sharing your experience, it helps. I would have thought of this one as my soulmate, most definitely. And yes she did come into my life in a fast unusual way.

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Postby Dallas » Sat Nov 06, 2010 1:07 pm

I understand Geoff. Been there and done that at five years sober and I would have even hung on a cross or slid naked down an 80 foot razor blade -- because I was so convinced in my head and heart that "This One -- really is God's will!" :wink:

I'd cry myself into sober blackouts. Lost over 30 pounds weight in 30 days. With every fiber and cell and bone and muscle and hair in my being -- crying with heart break over the pain.

I had no desire to drink -- only a desire to die to end the pain.

That was when I learned how "Powerless" I was over my emotions. I was feeling the Power of the Pain -- without a substance to get me through the pain -- and I couldn't drink.

Aye? For me -- it was just like being a newcomer again, detoxing off of alcohol after a long binge -- except, magnify it by 1000 -- because I was already sober -- prior to going through the detox.

Similarities? For me -- I learned that my experience with "heartbreak" and the "loss of my life" (because I equated "her" as my life) was almost identical in nature for me as -- getting sober.

Later on, after I got through it -- I learned some valuable lessons, that have contributed to my being able to stay sober today, to watch out for new pitfalls for myself, and to be an asset towards helping others get through the same thing I had to get through.

I'll share those later-learned lessons w/ you later. For now -- I'd like to share what I did to get through it.

1. I stuck as close as I could to any and every member of the Fellowship that would spend time w/ me. I learned that "this is one of the reasons" AA works -- these people, even the ones that don't like me or love me, or know me, will set aside "personalities" over showing the principle of love, and care and concern for a fellow alcoholic. It gave me a totally new perspective on AA and the Fellowship and each and every person, new or old, visiting or resident.

2. I sought out the help of some Al-Anons -- and followed some of their directions, too. I was lucky that in my network of Fellowship, that my closest friends wives were members of Al-Anon, and they taught me some important lessons, too -- in how to deal w/ it and how to get through it and "passed" it.

3. I learned how emotionally fragile all people are -- especially alcoholics, with our hyper-sensitivity to feelings and emotions -- combined w/ our unique ability to make it "all about me" but blinded to the fact and willing to die for our perception of "Oh no! This is not just all about me!" :wink:

4. I discovered, once again, the beauty and the awesome Power of the 12 Steps and I used the Steps to get me through it.

a. With Step 1, it was "I am Powerless over what I am feeling -- and my life IS unmanageable -- because I cannot manage to control or change what I am feeling. I was certainly insane with it!

b. I made a commitment to others -- that are or would be suffering, what I was going through -- alcoholics w/ emotional pains and heartbreaks -- and the commitment was to find a way to "get through this sober" and be able to "pass it (the solution) on" to them. So, by the time I got to Step 12, it was: "having gotten through this" -- as a result of these Steps and the Fellowship -- I tried to carry this message "of getting through it" to others -- and to practice the principles that I had learned about getting through it -- in all of my affairs.

c. I re-visited the Big Book, all front cover to the end of pg 164 -- and whenever and wherever I came across the work "alcohol" or "alcoholism" -- I substituted the words "my emotions" or "what I'm feeling."

d. I recognized that it would take "time" to get over it. It wasn't going to be an over-night healing for me -- it would be more like the "educational variety" of healing -- similar to what Spiritual Experience, Appendex II, says about "spiritual awakenings."

I plugged the emotional jug by: total abstinence from picking up the phone, from calling her, from listening to my "messages" on the answering machine, from driving by her house, from wondering "wonder if she'll be at this meeting?" :lol:

And, I emersed myself around the clock with trying to help another alcoholic -- which would prove to "keep my mind" off of myself, off of her, and off of me and what I was experiencing.

I got through it -- and you will, too. The experience, looking back on it, was one of the most valuable experiences of my life -- in regards to long-time sobriety.

My heart & thoughts are with you.


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Postby Dallas » Sat Nov 06, 2010 1:09 pm

Note: I highly suggest reading Bill W's notorious letter that we've come to call his letter on "Emotional Sobriety". A new Frontier?

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Postby Toddy » Sat Nov 06, 2010 3:11 pm

Just watched a video last night on Emotional Sobriety by Tom
Brady. His description of an amend is awesome. Cant seem to find it online though.

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Postby Dallas » Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:56 pm

He gave a good talk on it. I don't have the video but I do have the talk on mp3 and disc.

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Postby GeoffS » Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:05 pm

Hi again,

Thanks for your kind thoughts and suggestions.
I've read Bills letter, and guess who he wrote it about??? Yup me. i identify with it all.

And so into action.

I have done a 4th and 5th around this stuff, and that has allowed me to see my part and it all relates to Bills letter.

I am also going to take Dallas' suggestion on running 'my emotions' through all 12 steps as described above.

As luck would have it, or not, I've been on holiday since this happened and start a new job on Monday. So I've got plenty of time to let my sick thinking dwell on her, and panic about the new job :wink:

Would be very interested to hear the other suggestions you mentioned above also Dallas?

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Becoming a Man

Postby daveshark » Sun Nov 21, 2010 11:04 am

[quote]I pray constantly that gos will take this unhealthy needy thinking away and show me how to behave like a healthy man.
New to the forum sobiety date 02/04/90.
You hit the nail on the head there. That sounded so needy in what I read I want to go take a shower to get it off of me. There are billions of women in this world. To be frank, the reason why she left is probably because the other guy didn't need her. People want what they can't have. Once women know they got ya because you're sitting around telling each other how much you love each other...its over in short order. There are very few fairy tale love stories esp. these days. Good news is now is a chance to look inward. If you feel that other women won't be attracted to you why is that? Is there some parts of your life you need to get handled? There are many self help programs out there on becoming a man. Number one thing women want in a man "confidence". They want someone to guide them, make the decisions, lead the way. I wouldn't even contact that girl. That relationship is probably to damaged...You can't change the dynamics once they have been set. You are a "MAN" and in your next relationship be the awesome force God made you and maintain your power. Next relationship make yourself not say the "Love" word for a minimun of one year. Stand tall, shoulders back and stop moping around crying on everyone's shoulder. Just think with God's help you have tackled one of the most deadly diseases in the world...Alcoholism. [/quote]

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Postby Toast » Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:05 pm

Totally agree.

There comes a time when we have to throw away the wish bone and get ourselves a back bone!

Everything will work out all right, its just we've never known what alright is! :?

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