first step

[rgtool68]

why is it so dam hard to even take the first step????? drinking really messes with the mind.

[Dallas]

drink enough -- and it makes the first step easier.

Makes the bottom a lot deeper and harder but, I guess there's a price to pay for easy.

[paulypaul]

first step is easy today with a drink in my hand. how do I stop. how do I not restart? My brain makes so much sense when I think right. then I sober up (or drink) and someting goes wrong. I had 6 years, got the white picked fence, lost it, and am now funtional, with a enabling girlfriend that loves me to death and I her. Shes a normie, but enables me. what do I do.

[Pebbles]

I learned when I came through the doors of AA that there is one thing that I have to change, and that thing is EVERYTHING. If I keep doing what I always did, I'll keep getting what I always got. I had to admit to my inner most self, that I was an alcoholic. There are no "if's ands or buts" about it. That is the "core of honesty" that you hear being talked about in meetings. The moment that I have any reservations, there is a crack that the disease can wiggle through to "get me". This is a matter of life or death, for me. It may not be a quick physical death, but it can be a slow, painful, awful death inside. I know that this program is a gift from God to me-if I don't like a gift that someone gives me, I can give it back. Well, if I give this gift from God back, I will die--either spiritually, or physically. I learned that to stay sober, I can't just go to meetings, and think that will keep me sober. Going to meetings is the fellowship--if I want to stay sober, I have to do the work. The work is, working the steps, working with sponsees, service work. I also hang out with other people that are doing the work, because I am who I hang out with.

[paulypaul]

Very well put, actually words I agree with that I have'nt heard in a long time. But I'm in a dangerous spot. A week or so after a bad binge (but imidiately after the binge have decided I need to do something like go to a meeting or find a forum like this) I find myself in a place where I think I have control again but at the same time think I may not. And then make that right turn into the liquor store. My mind is a dangerous place.

[Pebbles]

My best thinking got me here.....

[Dallas]

Pauly, it sounds as though your head is still struggling with accepting that you're alcoholic -- if you are one -- and it's keeping it from getting down into your heart.

On the home page of this site you'll find a link to two tests that may be of help to you to decide for your self. www.step12.com

Look somewhere in the middle of the page for the link -- if you don't see it, you'll find it repeated at the bottom of the page.

I hope that helps.

Alcoholic means that I -- can not control the second drink. If I have the first drink -- I will have a second drink. My alcoholism demands it. That's the "physical aspect" of alcoholism. The first drink doesn't metabolize in the body of an alcoholic -- the same way it metabolizes in the body of a non-alcoholic. A non-alcoholic can take a first drink and not have the second drink. They might not even finish the first drink!

How many times have you ever put down the first drink -- and didn't finish it? How many times did you ever have the first drink -- and not have the second drink?

I didn't understand those questions when I was asked the questions. I thought that often, I never finished the first drink and almost never had the second drink!

You see... my mind was warped as a result of my alcohol-ism. I was rationalizing the answer with "the second and third drink were always just part of the first drink -- because I was never finished with my first drink!

If the physical aspect were all that there was to being alcoholic -- many more of us alcoholics would be sober today! But, the physical aspect is only half of the alcoholic picture.

The other half is: The mental aspect. My head tells me "It's okay Dallas! You haven't had a drink in 24 yrs now! Surely you can control just one drink!" Or, it will say "Go ahead! This is a special occasion! You deserve it!" Or... even more dangerously... My head won't say anything to me at all! Nothing. Not a do and not a don't. And, suddenly... I could find myself sitting at a bar, or wherever... and discover that I was way beyond having the first one... and probably ordering another round for me and for the rest of the bar, all because "Hey! I don't drink! I'm a sober member of AA! This drink is yours -- it's for you! Gulp!" (That actually happened to me, at five months sober -- on my very first trip into AA!). And, I continued drinking "her drink" for two weeks -- as I was announcing, sluridly, to all of Mexico... "I don't drink! This isn't my drink! I'm a sober member of AA!"

Sound insidious??? Agreed. It is insidious. And, it's called by another name other than just crazy and insane... it's called "alcohol-ism."

Now. There is a reason, that alcoholism is called alcohol-ism. The fact is: Once an alcoholic -- always alcoholic -- regardless if I'm drinking or sober! It will never become alcohol-wasm.

Best wishes.

Dallas