About Relationships:

[Debrinconcita]

I was married for the past 22yrs but he was so into drinking & using that he had like over 15 DUII's in the past 12yrs. I finally got sick & tired of it so now after 2 sons and 22yrs of Marriage we are done. NOW I have been in recovery for the past 4 yrs now? I don't know how to be with anyone sober? I don't even know where to start? It's maybe a chance I won't ever trust anyone ever again. I felt good when they said no relationships for the first year. I been clean & sober for alittle over 2 yrs from my last relapse. BUT, I don't plan on using every again. I Have Sober for almost 5 yrs now? I DON"T want to drink or use ever again. I still attend AA,NA, Recovery support groups, therapy and at 2 meetings a week no fail! I don't know if I want to be in a relationship anymore. The only one's I ever had were while drinking & drugs. (ONLY??) Confused and undecided?

[Hionlife]

Debrinconcita, When I read your post I decided I just had to post back.. .because in so many ways you are just like me. I have had one relationship in sobriety. And I didn't listen to the warnings about no relationships for a year. I was 13stepped at 6mos. And it felt like a "GOD thing" and it was great for a while...then it got progressively worse and at 8 yrs it ended and he died of this disease we have. Sooooo...for the last 3 years I have thrown myself into AA in as big of a way as I can. And have tried for the first time to really get to know me. I had never been alone before and had no idea what I liked or was like without the influence of what someone wanted me to be like. Well....gosh...I really like me now...and I have something to offer now. But I have also wondered if My heart would ever feel for another person again. I felt it had put up too many walls to ever be touched again.But that was just a thought lead by fear! I found in the last few months...that when you least expect it and when you are not even looking....there will be someone put in your path that has the ability to make you shed the steal enforced walls and feel again. Just keep working on you and loving yourself...and then when that does happen, you will be ready for it. I am not sure if that helps you at all...but that has been my experience. Relationships can be difficult for all Humans...but God did not create man to live alone. And when the time is right...good things happen! Stay Sober and Grateful and thanks for letting me share!

[merckx]

[quote="Debrinconcita"]I don't know if I want to be in a relationship anymore. The only one's I ever had were while drinking & drugs. (ONLY??)quote]

It sounds to be like you don't want to be in dsyfunctional and unhealthy relationships. I don't blame you. I don't want to be in dysfunctional or unhealthy relationships either. They kind of suck. (That was an understatement) On the other hand, healthy functional relationships are mostly pretty amazing with occasional kind of suck days.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to keep it simple and focus on today. Unless you have some kind of crazy movie plot thing going on in your life you don't have to start dating, fall in love, and get married or move in with someone today. I would be confused and undecided too if I was trying to figure out the rest of my life today.

Focus on today's relationships in whatever form they are in. Who is in your life today that is trustworthy? Work on trusting them. Who is in your life that is good for you to love, in whatever expression is appropriate for you right now? Learn to love them for who they are.

Healthy relationships are healthy relationships. While they take different forms, have different boundaries or rules/regulations, and they have different levels of intimacy, they still require the same things. For us to accept ourselves as we are (I'm OK), to accept others as they are (You're Ok), and to treat each other with love and mutual respect. The basic same principles that make my marriage work, make my friendships, family relationships, and business relationships work.

[Ellementary]

Thank you for this forum and the sharing here. Merckx, thank you especially for your response - it was very helpful for me today.

[Dallas]

And, thank you for sharing, too, Ellementary! Welcome to the site! It's great to hear from you.

Dallas

[DiggerinVA]

When it comes to when you are ready for relationships. The question really is how well you are working the program. Someone who puts the full program into their life can be ready very quickly. But others who hang out at meetings and really don't do the full program will probably never be ready.

After I had a year in I had one of the worst experiences I have ever had. It was with a women with about 5 years. It went south quickly.

The second went well while the person I was involved with worked the program. When she quit I got out after giving her several chances. The last was to let her live with me while she got a new place. She never restarted working the program. Well I understand she is doing the work again, I hope she does well.

So it is really where the person is in the program it has nothing to do with time. If you get involved make sure they have a good program.