I need some help

Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober
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I need some help

Postby Jeffkrop » Sat Jan 01, 2011 11:43 pm

So Im fresh out of Hazelden in Minnesota. I have 31 days in but my new years mail came and guess what. My 5 year old sons mom filed with the court saying that now that I'm a alcoholic I cant have my son for 3 months the time with a cop with him for 9 months. I would like to fight this based on the fact that I have a disease and going to AA to day and AA in 30 years Ill always have this disease.
I cant take this I have found some info but seen alot well in treatment can anyone help?

Also I have not eaten in 2 days and I need a drink bad how can someone 2 days out of treatment go on with this when he cant have his son and thats all I live for. I want to leave but I love him so I stay in Minnesota and work hard instead of going to school and finding out what I want to do for my life?

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Postby Dallas » Sun Jan 02, 2011 3:34 am

"Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn’t so." ~pg 99, Big Book.

How much do you care about your son? Think of the alcoholics you were just in rehab with. Would you go off and leave your son with one of them? I'm an alcoholic, too -- but I wouldn't leave my son with an alcoholic that was fresh out of rehab. Nor would I leave my dog with one. I love my dog.

Look in the mirror and try and figure out what your wife sees -- from her side of her eyes? You're fresh out of rehab. You haven't eaten in two days. You know that's bad for you. And, you need a drink and can't figure out how your not going to have one!

How about looking at the situation from a different angle. Like -- being grateful that your son has a mother that cares more about the health, safety and well-being of your son -- than she cares about whether you are happy with it or not.

I had a wife that became an ex after I got sober. I had kids, too! I was grateful that my kids mother cared more about their welfare than she gave a hoot about mine! She wasn't the one that was getting sober -- I was!

I'd rather tell you some truth that could help save your life and your kids life -- than have you like me. I've been sober for 24 yrs -- and I've been to more than a few funerals of guys like you -- that care more about your problem and your happiness -- than you care about the welfare of your kid. And, I'll tell you what -- that's not heart breaking at all -- in comparison to going to the funeral of one of those kids that died -- as a result of their father or mother's return to drinking!

My best suggestion for you? Get your butt back to Hazelden, tell them what's going on in your head -- and see if you can stay there longer. If you keep this up -- you won't be around in 30 yrs to even think about having "a disease" -- you won't even make it another 30 days w/ that kind of thinking! How do I know that? I'm an alcoholic like you! I failed at staying sober my first time around -- because I had that same kind of thinking. "It's got to be my way or the highway to hell!" And, the truth is: "MY way" is ALWAYS the highway to hell!

Why don't you -- become "willing to go to any lengths" to PROVE you can stay sober AND be a good and responsible dad that can take care of his kid -- by DOING it?

The answer is simple. Go along w/ the guidelines for as long as it takes and prove that you can do it -- or, just go ahead and have a drink -- and prove that your wife is right and you can't!

By the way: I don't know your wife. :lol: But, I do know a lot of other husbands and wives that are on the other side of the fence. :wink:

Now. Relax. Chill out. Calm down. And, first things first -- SAY SOBER!

Wishing you the best!


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Postby Jeffkrop » Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:23 am

thanks dallas I get what your tlking about I know that I wont make it like this I just cant seam to find a reason to stay sober. what is you know your a drunk but you just dont care. also this is not my wife its my ex and she will get what she needs.

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Postby Pebbles » Sun Jan 02, 2011 9:53 am

Hello there--
I know from experience, that when I started recovery I wanted things to be "fixed" right from the get-go, but that isn't how it works. I learned that I had to keep going to meetings where there were other people like me, find a sponsor, and start working the steps. I also had to remember, that I was beginning to live Life On Lifes Terms--I was no longer using alcohol to numb what I was feeling, and it felt foreign to me...but I Kept Coming Back.
Life does get better, it just takes Time(T his I M ust E arn). I had to remember that I had been drinking for 20 years, and when I finally surrendered, that was when life really started for me. So all I can say to you, is Keep Coming Back--it DOES work, if we work it!!!

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Postby Dallas » Sun Jan 02, 2011 9:58 am

I understand how tough it is to be newly sober. It was so hard that I know I'd never be able to survive it again. All of a sudden -- everything is a huge problem because often for years we were letting the problems build up on us and we didn't even have a clue that there was a problem. Then, suddenly, we not only have to face all the problems at once -- we have to do it sober! There is a lot of truth in the saying "If you had my problems you'd drink too!" :wink:

When we'd have problems before sobriety -- we'd have a couple of drinks -- relax, and navigate through the problem. Now, the trick is to find a way to relax that doesn't involve drinking -- and navigate through the problems. We're always going to have problems. That's just part of being alive and survival. But, the longer we stay sober and grab on to a different lifestyle change -- we'll end up having & creating less and less problems -- and when the big problems come -- we will have gained the experience needed to get us through the problem sober.

It's kind of like a baby being born inside a full grown man's body. The old guy has to move out of our body because the old guy can't stay sober. The baby inside us -- has never had a problem. So, it doesn't know what to do -- other than panic! Suddenly, we've got a little kid living inside us that's saying "WTF! Where did all this stuff come from? How am I going to handle this?"

So, it becomes a process of learning all over again. For me, I often felt like I was a foreigner in a foreign land. Like living on a different planet. I had to learn how to think sober, live sober, act sober, speak sober, hear sober -- and, work a full time day job, too -- with all the requirements that a normal grown up person would have! And, to make it through that period -- you'll be experiencing it too!

We become like little babys sitting in a high chair. The baby has a problem and the only thing the baby knows what to do is to beat on the high chair and yell and scream to try and get some attention to get help to solve a problem. And, that's normal for us! It isnt that we're bad people or that we're dumb or anything like that at all -- we're simply going through a phase and a process that's called "growing up as a sober person".

And, we might as well accept it and get used to it! Heck, at 24 yrs sober -- sometimes... I'll be in my high chair banging & yelling & screaming "I want my Maypo!" :lol: Then, I'll head out to a meeting or call some sober friends to tell them how the world is mistreating me! Sometimes, if they validate my thinking -- and start "poor -ing me" it makes it worse and lead me to "pour-ing me" another drink! For me -- I have a sponsor that I can call that can act like the grown up that I need. The parent that I need to help me learn how to get through it.

I wish when I was newly sober that I would have had a resoucre like Hazelden to call! They've helped thousands of thousands of people like us and they have the experience that we need to gain for ourselves. Not having that resource -- I had AA, and I had to learn to let AA be enough for me. But, it would have been great to have both!

The RIGHT thing that you're doing right now is: you're talking about it. You're being HONEST with what you are thinking and feeling and telling what's going on "as it is to you" Then, you're REACHING OUT and you're ASKING FOR HELP! Those things there are a huge deal for us to acuire the ability to do that! And, people can help us when we achieve that level of recovery!

So, you've got a head-start on me and many others of us that came in new and still tried to MANAGE everything on our own! :lol: We tried it that way -- and we failed. We can tell you how to fail! :lol: However, if we stay sober like you're doing and learn this stuff -- we can then reach out to the other new people and share w/ them how we succeeded, and how they can succeed too! :wink:

Stay w/ us Jeff. If you're lacking enough reason to stay sober -- think of all the thousands upon thousands of other guys/girls that are suffering just like you are! Many of them are not as well off as you now -- because they're still drinking or drunk. Make up your mind that you're not going to let this deal beat you -- that you'll grab on to this thing called sobriety -- and you'll get down w/ it -- and then be able to make a dent in being able to help those thousands of others that are out there! Someone has to be around for them when they reach out for help. And, if it isn't you -- that helps them, who will it be?

It may be no one is there for them and they just die drinking themselves to death. Think of their kids. You may be able to do something that will help their kids. You see, we "get back" what we "give away." And, Life will start looking out for you -- and for your kid, too!

So, hang out w/ us. Stick w/ us. And, become part of the solution that can make a difference for others. That's the kind of thinking that can get you through this!

Best wishes,


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Postby Toddy » Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:30 am

Iwas asked to be the speaker at a meeting in January last night, yikes!! rarely share this is scary. But last night in bed, stinking thinking or reflection on my life to date, what i could remember, brought me to a wonderful conclusion. AA has made it possible to rebuild myself, do the right things for a change. I was drunk for 35 years, think ill try the next 35 sober, thanks to AA I can do that.

104 days and counting


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Postby sunlight » Sun Jan 02, 2011 4:59 pm

I don't think I had a "reason" for getting sober. All I knew was that I couldn't go on anymore. Alcohol had me totally defeated.

When I came to AA I was told I could have a new life, but this new life involved staying sober. :shock:

Once I wrenched my will in the direction of staying sober and doing what was suggested, things started happening! Sometimes they happened so fast and other times were frustratingly slow. But I was amazed before I was halfway through. :wink:

I have gotten back nearly everything I had lost because of my drinking. But I had to learn to wait. I just got back something that I have been waiting nearly a decade for! If I had gotten it sooner, I wouldn't have been ready for it, and the situation would not have been as favorable as it is now. But patience is not my strong suit! :oops: So I keep busy doing the things I need to do to stay sober, and somehow things happen,with effort, but without obsessive interference from me.

Way to go Toddy! Loved the higher power joke. :lol:

Always good to see you, Pebbles. Glad you're in here with us! :D

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Postby Toast » Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:10 am

Good topic,

I just ran back to AA because i didnt want to die. After my last drunk when i woke up in the park staring at the stars, just like i did with my 1st drink 17 years before. But this time i honestly thought i was dying, i knew the pilot light inside me was going out. Then i thought i was going to meet my maker but was to embarrassed, disgusted in myself to go in that condition. So i thought if i'm going to live at all then stopping drinking is one of the many things i'm going to have to do.

And today i'm 17 years longer on the planet that i should've been, all thanks to AA, and life's pretty good.

Hope everyone has a safe and sober 2011! :lol:

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Postby Toast » Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:42 am

Food for thought.

A teenage daughter was always dragging her alcoholic mum along to one of our local meetings .The mum says she was determined to get sober for her lovely daughter. And she did, for a while. Until the day came when the daughter done something that didnt meet with mums approval, so to punish her daughter mum got drunk?

Unfortunately you all know the rest of this all too familiar story.

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Re: I need some help

Postby merckx » Mon Jan 03, 2011 9:24 am

Jeffkrop wrote:
Also I have not eaten in 2 days and I need a drink bad how can someone 2 days out of treatment go on with this when he cant have his son and thats all I live for.

A little perspective for you ... my son died last year. His delivery date was July 7th. We found out on Father's Day, June 20th that he died because of a cord accident. We know he died on Father's Day because my wife had felt him move the day before, at his baby shower, and in the evening before she went to bed.

My wife spent 14 hours in labor on June 21, from midnight until 2 pm. I held my wife's head and the back of her knee while she pushed out the body of my son. I held my son's lifeless body, I kissed him, and sang him the lullaby I planned on singing to him on the day of his birth. That day felt like the longest day of my life. It is fitting that June 21st was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. It has been 196 days since my son died and I have been sober for each one of them.

My sponsor said two things to me on the day of my son's birth:

1. You're lucky. Some people don't get to have a baby at all.

2. If you go take a drink you didn't take it because your son died. You took it because you were looking for an excuse to take a drink.

You made the comment, "My son is all I live for." That is a problem.

Everyday is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. How can I best serve thee - Thy will (not mine) be done. These are the thoughts that must go with us constantly. pg. 85

Jeff seek out the will of the God of your own understanding. Work the steps. Read the book (I'd check out Acceptance is the Answer). Participate in the fellowship. It worked for me and I believe it will work for you.

To leave you with a little bit of hope, there isn't a week that goes by that someone doesn't tell me how my son's death, and my choice to remain sober and put my faith in the God of my understanding, has affected their faith. When we came to A.A., God used the pain of other alcoholics to give us hope. If you choose to stay sober, there will come a day that your story, your pain, is used to give hope to another person who feels as hopeless as you do right now.

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