- Hello my name is wounded and I am an alcoholic

Hello my name is wounded and I am an alcoholic




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Hello my name is wounded and I am an alcoholic

Postby WoundedButterfly » Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:00 pm

Been in the program (half heartedly) for about a year... Hoping to get some help here. I'm the problem. The program has already taught me so much. If i don't overcome this belief that i dont deserve anything good in my life I cant seem to go any further.
I have already pushed away a wonderful sponsor and a co-sponsor. Now a very sweet lady is trying to be my friend and she is a great friend. I don't want to lose her... I don't want to push her away. :(
I trust my higher power... I know to pray about it. But in the meantime I keep self-destructing. :evil:
thanks for your time and forgive me if i posted this in the wrong place I am new here and technologically handicapped to boot. :)
WoundedButterfly
 
Posts: 6
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Location: Indiana

Postby Toddy » Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:24 pm

Hi Butterfly, I recommend reading every post on this site Welcome
Toddy
 
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Location: Pennsylvania

thanks for the reply

Postby WoundedButterfly » Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:29 pm

Okay. Will try. Already added forum to favorites tool bar.
WoundedButterfly
 
Posts: 6
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Location: Indiana

Postby Dallas » Fri Jan 07, 2011 10:50 pm

Welcome to the forum WoundedButterfly! I'm really glad you showed up here, and joined and are participating. You see, when you share, especially when you share when your're having a difficulty -- you not only help yourself -- but, you end up helping all of us.

So... just for today, that I know of ... because you helped, you deserve help! :wink:

WoundedButterfly wrote:If i don't overcome this belief that i dont deserve anything good in my life I cant seem to go any further.


I understand! That was my problem and also the very same problem I've found in nearly every alcoholic that I've met! You're not alone. Most people go through life not even becoming aware that they have the difficulty -- and particularly, they haven't identified the problem. So, you've got a jump on most by knowing what the problem is!

Here's my experience...

I may have liked myself when I was a little kid. Then, through a series of "adventures & experiences" -- I began to let myself down. There were times that I felt like I failed. That something was wrong with me. I didn't perform as well as the other people that I was comparing myself with. I thought I should have performed better, faster, and more than I did and often more than I could do! Initially -- it was guilt that I felt. Then, when I continued refeeling my old guilt and failures (remorse) I continued to personalize every perfection that I felt like I should be able to achieve -- and I just began to feel like a total failure.

Did you know -- that it's hard to be happy, to laugh, to have fun, and to enjoy life when you feel like a failure that is less-than everyone else, and if other's knew the real me -- even my mother wouldn't like me any more! :lol: :lol:

It sucked! I wasn't happy. I felt like others didn't like me. I'd try to out perform some more -- to get their attention and prove that "I'm really a good person!" And, it was making me feel miserable.

Did I know any of that was going on? Absolutely NOT! I just knew that I felt lonely, angry, hurt, sad, separate from, uniquely different than. I later learned that I was afraid, too -- afraid other people would find out, if they didn't already know!

So... when I discovered alcohol, it changed the way I felt. I felt better! If you felt as bad as I felt you would have drank like I drank! But, still... I didn't know that was going on!

We can only see clearly and understand -- with hindsight! We can look back and see it -- but, we don't see it when we're in it!

Drinking made me feel wonderful! All the reasons that I didn't like myself, and felt undeserving of good -- seemed to go away for a little while after a few drinks. The feeling didn't last very long... so, I continued drinking more, or changing what I was drinking -- to try and figure out "hey? where'd that good feeling go? It's got to be here somewhere! I found it in the bottle -- so it must be in the bottle! Drink some more!" :lol:

Then, I'd have too much to drink... and do really stupid stuff! And, it just continued to pile up on me deeper and higher!

I couldn't stop drinking and stay stopped because it felt miserable to be in my skin living in my world! (Perception + Emotions). When I'd try to sober up or not drink -- I would become overwhelmed with "I'm a jerk! I'm an idiot! I suck! I'm gonna kick my butt! Because I'm a no good, rotten SOB! :lol: :lol: So... off to the bottle again I'd go! Over and over and over and over again!

Where did it end for me? I began hating myself -- "self-hatred" ... but, I couldn't see it then! I couldn't see it and understand it until I stayed sober and got into taking the 12 Steps.

For me, that's where I found the solution. By taking the Steps -- and following it up with actions and more actions.

I've met others who tell me that they didn't find the solution like I found it in the 12 Steps and I figure -- maybe they didn't do them like I did them.

I've also met many others who tell me -- that they found the same solution that I found, w, the 12 Steps, a Sponsor, and actions & more actions.

If you feel like you've reached the dead end -- that's good! That can motivate you to do some things for yourself -- that you might not do -- if you weren't feeling bad!

Perhaps you need to work more w/ your current sponsor, if you have one. Or, maybe it's time to find someone different than your current sponsor. Or, maybe you just want to try and fix it yourself, on your own w/ the tools. Which every way you choose to do it -- if it works -- then, it's the right way for you!

Keep coming back! I'd like to watch and witness you change! And, I'm here to help -- if I can!

Best wishes.

Dallas
Dallas
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Postby WoundedButterfly » Fri Jan 07, 2011 11:26 pm

Thank you for replying and sharing your story. To be completely honest it meant the world to see and feel that I am not alone. That I am worthy of your time.
I plan on reading and responding often. I also found some really helpful printable pdf's regarding working the steps.
God is good. I trust him.
I know I have to do the work. I also know doing it half heartedly is not going to cut it. What is happening though... is i am beginning to feel hope.
I think I will contact my old sponsor and seek out a new one as well. Since I am still new to the program the selflessness confuses and confounds me. But I dont understand how the fridge works either but that doesnt keep me from using it. :D
I look forward to talking to you in the future. Thanks again. Have a nice night.
Butterfly
WoundedButterfly
 
Posts: 6
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Location: Indiana

Postby sunlight » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:41 pm

Hi Beautiful Butterfly and welcome!

So many of the stories I hear in AA are about how we felt different. We felt unloved, unappreciated, unnoticed and unimportant. I was no exception. I remember in grade school my best friend telling me, "You're weird." Boy, did that hurt! And it was like I began to perceive everything and everyone as re-enforcing that statement. Hypersensitivity set in and I felt very insecure.
(I will omit re-telling the gruesome details of the horror story that my life became so that the moderators don't boot me out. :wink: )

I tried to be what people wanted me to be. That never worked cuz I was always exposed as a sham.
I played the victim for a long time too, looking for someone to rescue me. Sometimes they did, but they always threw me back!

Then I got angry and demanded to be recognized for the exceptional deity I was. :lol: :lol: :roll:

No matter what I did it was never enough to resolve the dichotomy inside me of "poor pitiful Pearl / Queen of the universe".

When I came to AA I was loved & accepted, but was also told I had work to do. They told me I had "stinking thinking" & that my mind was like a bad neighborhood - I didn't want to go there alone.
No argument there!

I believed they had my best interests at heart cuz they know what it is to be an alcoholic & to be trapped in insanity. I was told the steps were the way out of my dilemma.

I grasped onto the steps like they were my life preserver (they were!). I took them with all my mind, heart and strength cuz "half-measures availed us nothing."

As I took them, I began to experience that I was truly loved, appreciated and affirmed - but no more so than anyone else! :shock:
As I reached out to share and help others, I began to find my place in the world; small maybe, but necessary nonetheless.

If I take the steps half-heartedly, I get half-baked results. ( Love that cake analogy! :wink: )
If I take them with my whole heart, they change my life! :!:

Wounds go deep, but there is hope and healing. One day at a time. One step at a time.
sunlight
 
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Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:03 pm
Location: Denver Co

Thanks for replying

Postby WoundedButterfly » Tue Jan 11, 2011 2:25 pm

One of the most amazing things I am experiencing in this program (and I'm not quite sure how to describe it) is this.... That the replies I get are giving a voice to the feelings I couldn't describe and sometimes didn't even know I had.
It's like all this stuff has been swirling around wreaking havoc in my subconsciousness. I'm not even remotely aware of the way I feel... and then I start to realize I do not WANT to be aware of what I feel. I think part of being stuck in the program and doing it half heartedly is I started making progress.
But making that progress is leading to the unfolding of everything I have folded up and tucked away on purpose. It's also going against my strong belief that the unfolding will kill me. I'm not to the point where I can believe I will not literally die if "it" all comes out.
WoundedButterfly
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:28 pm
Location: Indiana

Postby sparklek » Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:30 pm

Wounded Butterfly,
Coming to AA was the end of my isolation and lonliness. The more I opened up and let others in here, especially seeing as how what I was doing alone was not working for me, the more "a part of" I felt with the AA and the world around me. I no longer felt like the only person that had all these swirling thoughts and feelings. I recently read the story "Window of Opportunity" about a young alcoholic who resisted the fellowship early on and I really identified. The stories helped me alot when I was new and they still do. Keep coming back. It gets better :)
sparklek
 
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jan 11, 2011 9:34 pm

WoundedButterfly -- I understand! I had lived for so long trying to be numb & unaware of what I was feeling, for so long, I didn't know what names to put on the feelings that I had. It took some time but it got better!

sparklek, ditto! Isolation and Loner could have been nicknames for me. I had walls built around me that were so thick with a "swear forever commitment" to keep them up and everyone else out -- that I didn't even realize what a prison I was living in!

I think my deal was fear & hurt feelings. All the way back to being a kid, I realized I had been so overly sensitive. When I felt things I really felt them! Extremes. And, when my feelings would get hurt it was unbearable. It would scare me because I didn't know how to cope w/ hurt feelings. I had no problems w/ physical pains but emotional pain or heart breaks, or feelings that someone or something that I cared for or loved -- would be leaving me -- terrified me. So, I'd do my best to keep a distance from people -- to not get hitched to them or attached to them. And, the emotional pains -- I eventually began to use anger & rage to try and numb the feelings.... reversing it to "I don't even care!" I cared alright! The problem was... I seemed to care too much! That was one of the relief's that alcohol would momentarily bring to me. A few minutes of not being afraid of feeling. A few minutes of feeling that everything was going to ber alright. It was like an escape from weaknesses and the world that I lived in.

Thanks to both of you for sharing! Your sharing does me a lot of good!

Dallas
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Postby WoundedButterfly » Wed Jan 12, 2011 2:46 am

Thank you again... everybody... for replying. I am really feeling like I have my feet back under me. I am ready to do this program with all my heart and all my strength.
I'm overwhelmed at trying to respond to everything everyone says... so if I don't respond it doesn't mean I don't care, or am unappreciative. I do care and can relate. I am definitely learning. Just a little hard to use my keyboard and not hit the wrong buttons. I am a little support overload and information overload at the minute. Keep it coming! Please don't stop. Just please understand I'm sorta keeping my mouth shut and my ears open.
For today, I have hope.
Sending muchlove to all!
WoundedButterfly
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:28 pm
Location: Indiana

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