- Marriage and recovery

Marriage and recovery




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

Marriage and recovery

Postby lotusinbloom » Thu Feb 10, 2011 5:18 pm

I never realized how much my recovery affects my marriage. It certainly changes things. I feel like we are both on an emotional rollercoaster. The dynamics of the relationship have changed. He is no longer enabling me. I should be more supportive of him because he gave so much of himself to me for so long. This is hard to do because right now my focus is 100% on MY RECOVERY. Is that selfish?




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Postby lotusinbloom » Fri Feb 11, 2011 3:45 pm

anyone????
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Postby sunlight » Fri Feb 11, 2011 5:07 pm

Hi Lotus,

I don't have experience with this directly, but I work with women who are in your position.

The best thing I can suggest is for your husband to check out Al-Anon.
Most men I know won't do this; they think it's just for women. It's not! Some of the finest Al-Anons I know are men and they're even MORE manly by participating.

But men often will read Al-Anon literature, and this can be helpful too. Please check out the Al-Anon Family Services literature that's available. Maybe you could leave it "laying around" if you don't think he'd be open to suggestion.


There IS hope. You can be committed to your marriage and to sobriety and both can be beautiful. It does take work, but it's worth the effort. :wink:
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Postby Dallas » Fri Feb 11, 2011 8:17 pm

I've had some experience w/ it. It was a mix of good and bad. Good that I had feelings to feel for the very first time -- and a marriage that turned out to have some very threatening effects on my recovery. My recovery was good for the marriage but the marriage wasn't good for my recovery. I was in love like I had never experienced it. The marrage didn't last very long. I had made a commitment to going to any lengths to maintain my sobriety and to live sobriety -- before I had made the commitment to the marriage. I didn't get sober to live in misery. And, one of the most heart-breaking things to me was the realization that IF we could have joined in Unity -- to use the Steps & Traditions in our marriage -- it could have been a most heavenly experience. But, as they say... it takes two to Tango. She had changed her mind about her commitment to sobriety and recovery -- and she went nuts. It became impossible for me to stay in it -- if I wanted to stay sober and sane and happy, joyous and free.

I delayed commenting or sharing on this because I didn't have a positive experience to share.

On the other hand -- I have heard many positive stories from others.

I do wish the best for you -- just because....... and also because I understand how difficult that it can be.

Best wishes. Hopefully, we'll have some others w/ possive experiences that will pitch in here and share their stories.

Dallas
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Postby Dallas » Fri Feb 11, 2011 8:23 pm

note: My sobriety -- my recovery MUST come first -- if it doesn't, it won't be long before I have nothing in my life that will be good enough to hang on to.

re: Emotional roller coasters.... are a normal part of early recovery for nearly all of us. It takes time and effort and work that we have to do before the chill time sets in. We often become the Emotional Roller Coaster -- because we're overly sensitive.

Perhaps, you can remind yourself -- and also let him know, that... you're going to be an Emotional Roller Coaster for a while -- but, the ride won't last forever. :wink:
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Postby Then, and only then » Thu Mar 03, 2011 12:34 am

Not only I have experience in this, but also I am in it. This post being my very first one, I think it shows how much I am hurting! :cry:

I am 45 years old, married 21 years, sober 3 years. My wife and I have a beautiful 5 years old son. Just about every night, since the last Thanksgiving, I thought about getting out, in details. Then, the next morning, when I drop my son off at his school, I see hope.

Then, I tell myself, it is me, I can not do that to my son, it is not that bad, it will be better, and do it all over again. I almost feel like I am getting used to it. The fresh wound, bandage, another cut, bandage.....

I have a friend, one of us, who is 10 years older, he had 15 year sober, went out for 4, back in the rooms for the last 3.5 years. He has divorced when he first got sober, raised his 2 sons, succeed in his business, enjoyed the gift, then trashed it while he was out. He suggests to stay in this roller coaster, strongly suggests. I trust his judgement.


Besides, I do not know what is good for me. I dunno. Try reading step 12 on 12 x 12. It says something like we reapaired or we learned to accept what we can not in marriage. I am going to try the other half from now on. Learn to accept what I can not change, funny, I hear that somewhere. Best of luck and HP to you and me.
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Postby lotusinbloom » Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:26 am

Then, and only then wrote:Not only I have experience in this, but also I am in it. This post being my very first one, I think it shows how much I am hurting! :cry:

I am 45 years old, married 21 years, sober 3 years. My wife and I have a beautiful 5 years old son. Just about every night, since the last Thanksgiving, I thought about getting out, in details. Then, the next morning, when I drop my son off at his school, I see hope.

Then, I tell myself, it is me, I can not do that to my son, it is not that bad, it will be better, and do it all over again. I almost feel like I am getting used to it. The fresh wound, bandage, another cut, bandage.....

I have a friend, one of us, who is 10 years older, he had 15 year sober, went out for 4, back in the rooms for the last 3.5 years. He has divorced when he first got sober, raised his 2 sons, succeed in his business, enjoyed the gift, then trashed it while he was out. He suggests to stay in this roller coaster, strongly suggests. I trust his judgement.


Besides, I do not know what is good for me. I dunno. Try reading step 12 on 12 x 12. It says something like we reapaired or we learned to accept what we can not in marriage. I am going to try the other half from now on. Learn to accept what I can not change, funny, I hear that somewhere. Best of luck and HP to you and me.


Thanks so much for your reply. I too have been married 21 years. We have 2 children (1 in college and 1 in middle school). Good things have happened since my last post in terms of our relationship. He is attending Al-Anon meetings at least 4x a week. He is working on himself which is having great effects on US. I'm proud of him for doing this not only for me but more importantly, for HIM. When I left detox and rehab in early October it was realllllly tough. He had an affair while I was away.....it was horrible. He had a lot of resentment because he had been my "babysitter" for soooo long....I relapse a few times since then but have finally embraced the program as a way of life this time....I have turned over my will and my life to God and I understood him. For me, it is a matter of life and death. My recovery comes first right now. If I cannot do this, how in the hell can I keep my marriage together, you know? First things first. Again, thanks for your kind reply

deb
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Postby jgrabo » Fri Mar 04, 2011 5:01 pm

Not sure that I can help a lot but I will give you a little from my dealings with this. I am just over 2 years sober and I surely know of the rollercoaster of emotions at home, in the begining I thought that things would just naturally get better because I had stopped drinking. Nice thought but it doesn't work that way, the damage that we cause our families is greater that any others, at least in my case it was. I truely wanted to make my marriage better but really didn't know what to do so I asked and I asked! I went to people in the program that I knew had had similar experiences and they all pretty much said the same thing to me, worry about yourself for now thats all you can handle but don't withdraw from your family and gradually try to incorporate yourself into things they got used to doing with out you. For me this left a ton, my wife had really become the mother & father of my house, she paid all the bills or juggled money around to keep us afloat as much as possible. I spent about the 1st 14 months working on me and without realizing it at the same time things at home also changed, they are better and by no means are they great but they are better. I was recently asked by a close friend if mine and my wifes relationship are getting back to where it was before and my only response was I hope not. Here's how I look at it today, we are together today so I try to make today as good as I possibly can, tomorrow isn't here yet I'll deal with it tomorrow. I believe our relationship is right were my GOD wants it to be and who am I to question that. The rollercoaster sucks but hopefully in time you are going uphill more than downhill on the ride!! Not sure if this makes sense to you or anyone else!! It's one day at a time just like our Alcoholism!

Good Luck
John
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Postby lenny » Mon Mar 07, 2011 5:58 pm

hello all, its been awhile for me to post.but i can identify with the sobriety and marriage issue's.i just celebrated 2yrs,one day at a time,me and my wife have been married for 25yrs.and the last five were a living hell for both of us.I thought as i got better so would she!wrong.I have to remember i made her the way she is,and i have a program of recovery she doesn't.She will not go to al-anon.She has been to a few meetings with me,but yet she still doesn't understand why i have to work with people,go on comittments etc.My sponsor told me she doesn't have to change,i have to either accept whats going on or remove myself from the threat.She fully understands that my sobriety comes first and foremost.We have discussed me leaving for awhile but as of yet know decision has been made yet.Although i do not wish to end my marriage if it jeopardizes my sobriety im out.(but i must remember that she is spiritually sick as well,TOLERNCE is the key here.i do believe things will get better as time goe's on.so hang in there as long as you can.love lenny.
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Postby Then, and only then » Tue Mar 08, 2011 12:18 am

Dear lotus,

I am so sorry to hear and so happy for you. My wife went to Al-anon, but not any more. I hope your husband will keep going.

We haven't talked to each other about 2 months. It is killing me, but she seemed fine. Then about a month ago, I have realized she is used to this non-communication. She done it for the last 18 years!

I tried to change my meeting during lunch, and stayed home at night, playing with my 5 year old son, but it did not work. I love my son. He is the 2nd thing in my life, that is working.

I got contentment and reasonably happy feeling after the meeting. When I came home, I loose 3/4 of those. Yes! It is my fault. I did that. So what? After all the blames, some of the pay-backs, all the submissions, she and I still have 5 year old son, who is potentially oneofus.

It seems more I put in, the more I got hurt. So I exert myself more. Read her the Big Book on Tuesday nights, pray together.... All that. I am done. I can not do it. God, haviturway! You gona do your will anyways. Whatever you do, and I mean whatever, please do it quick.

I guess I got stuck with my problems again. Sorry. The best wishes for you and your family! :cry:
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